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Hurricane Neddy |
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- Lisa: Dad, wake up!
- Homer: What?
- Lisa: I think a hurricane is coming!
- Homer: Oh Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
- Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away.
- Kent Brockman: And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
- Marge: That's true... but he shouldn't say it.
- Apu: Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store, seventy people at a time.
- Kirk Van Houten: Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff!
- Apu: No, no, no, do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged.
- Lisa: Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out of here! This storm is making people crazy. [two old hands feel around Lisa's spiky hair]
- Mrs. Glick: The last pineapple! And plenty ripe, too! [picks up Lisa and puts her in a cart]
- Lisa: But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid!
- Mrs. Glick: That's what the pumpkin said.
- Ralph: Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!
- Evacuator: Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate.
- Grampa: I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home, and I'll die in this nursing home.
- Evacuator: Is there any chance of you changing your mind?
- Grampa: Sure, let's go.
- Ned: [to Homer] Need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker. [the Flanders house is covered with tents] Oh, it'll be fun! We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.
- Marge: Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm? [looks through a box] Oooh, a Rubik's Cube! Let's all work it together.
- Lisa: Okay, start with diagonal colors.
- [Marge turns the cube]
- Homer: Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it.
- Marge: My main finger?
- [the family begins to talking at the same time]
- Bart: [simultaneously] Orange to orange!...
- Lisa: [simultaneously] Now you have to turn it back, Mom...
- Homer: [simultaneously] You gotta start backwards!
- Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, Mom!
- Lisa: [simultaneously] No, not so fast! No, ignore the red!
- Bart: [simultaneously] No, no, no!
- Homer: [simultaneously] Alternate corners!
- Marge: One at a time!
- Bart: Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!
- Marge: Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!
- Marge: Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends! So, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to...
- Lisa: Wait! Listen, everybody. The hurricane's over.
- Homer: He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!
- Marge: Remarkable. There doesn't seem to be any damage at all. It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.
- Ned: It's all gone. Everything gone-diddily-on. Maude? Rod? Todd?
- Todd: I'm right here, Daddy.
- Maude: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.
- Ned: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.
- Homer: Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.
- Maude: Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.
- Kent Brockman: Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear that the Bowl-A-Rama is back in business at its new location teetering over the Carter-Nixon tunnel.
- Ned: I'm not a bad man. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher, just to stay on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it!
- Ned: Reverend Lovejoy, with all that's happened to us today, I kind of feel like Job.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed.
- Ned: But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
- Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, short answer, "yes" with an "if." Long answer, "no" with a "but."
- Todd: We got new clothes from the donation bin! [wearing a Butthole Surfers shirt] I'm a surfer!
- Rod: [wearing a t-shirt with "I'm With Stupid" on it and a pointed finger] Look, Daddy, Todd is stupid and I'm with him. [walks to Maude] And now Mommy's stupid! [chuckles]
- Maude: Neddy, I know this has been a terrible day. But, by golly, first thing tomorrow morning, we're going to open up the Leftorium and before you know it, we'll be back on our feet.
- Kent Brockman: (on TV) Down here at Springfield Mall, a crowd appeared to have turned its rage… on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
- Marge: Ned, Maude! You've got to go back to your house. Something incredible has happened.
- Ned: (sarcastically) Oh, what happened now? Did the rubble burn down?
- Homer: [about the Flanders' newly built house] Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheelbarrow full of love!
- Apu: And a cement-mixer full of hope, and some cement.
- Ned: I don't know how I can possibly repay you! But if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield! [pan over to a spunky man with a smile on his face in suspenders and a red bowtie]
- Guy: No, no! Not me, friends. He's talking about himself. But thanks for looking!
- Ned: [gets his sweater caught in a nail] Ooh, looks like a loose nail.
- Homer: Yeah, one out of twenty five ain't bad! [hammers in a nail]
- Ned: Was that, uh, was that toilet always next to the refrigerator?
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ned, you ever try lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs?
- Ned: Floor feels a little gritty here.
- Moe: Yeah we ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!
- Homer: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? [the rebuilt house collapses] Aw, shoot...
- Ned: Now, calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shoddilyddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostilitydidildilidilly... Aw, hell-diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?
- Ned: (to Bart) Ooh, okay, duuuuuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaaaan! Here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?!"
- Ned: You ugly, hate-filled man!
- Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was the third thing you said?
- Ned: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
- Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
- Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
- Receptionist: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
- Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
- Receptionist: As you wish.
- Ned: (getting dragged off while screaming) Nooooooooooooo0!
- Dr. Foster: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Foster here. … Ned Flanders? You're sure? … No, no, no, I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. (hangs up) Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital, uh, where are my shoes?
- Mrs. Foster: I think they're in the den.
- Dr. Foster: The den? May God have mercy on us all.
- Young Ned: [barging in] Whee! I'm Dick Tracy! [hits the other kids] Bang! Take that Pruneface! Now I'm Pruneface, take that Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy, take that Dick...
- Dr. Foster: Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!
- Dr. Foster: [to a young Ned] Get down from that bookshelf, please. Most of those books haven't been discredited yet!
- Dr. Foster: Would you please tell your son to stop?
- Flanders Dad: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [banging on the desk] "boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss!" We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks!
- Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
- Flanders Mom: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.
- Homer: Y'ello? Yes? Mental hospital? Well, I don't know any Ned Flanders.
- Marge: The man who lived next door until his house blew down?
- Homer: Oh, him!
- Jay Sherman: It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!
- Doctor: Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.
- Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others.
- Ned: Well howdy, Homer! [partition slides up] Ooh, thanks for dropping by!
- Dr. Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. [into microphone] Proceed to level 2 antagonism. [slides down partition]
- Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
- Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Heh heh. [partition slides up] Ooh! Thanks for dropping by!
- Dr. Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. [into microphone] Maximum hostility factor. [slides down partition]
- Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?
- Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
- Ned: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that?
- Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans hate things.
- Ned: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East.
- Dr. Foster: I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that?
- Doctor: Um, did you like it?
- Homer: Come on, Flanders, there's gotta be something you hate. What about mosquito bites?
- Ned: Mmm mmm! Sure are fun to scratch! Mmm! Satisfying!
- Homer: What about, uhhhhh, florescent lights?
- Ned: Oooh, they hum like angels! You're never lonely if you've got a florescent light!
- Ned: I don't like the service at the post office. You know, it's all "rush rush! get'cha in, get'cha out!" Then they've got those machines in the lobby, they're even faster, no help there. You might even say, I hate the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks.
- Ned: Thanks, everyone! I'm all better now. No more storing up the anger till I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, yo-ou're gonna hear about it! All right?
- [the crowd cheers]
- Dr. Foster: Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
- Ned: And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car.