The Old Man and the Lisa
In Marge We Trust
Homer's Enemy
Reverend Lovejoy: [putting letters on the church bulletin board. He talks to Marge] Can you believe this? They give you five Q's and only two U's. What a world!

Agnes: Seymour, I'm tired. Tell them we're going next.
Skinner: Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.
Agnes: And you never will be!

Reverend Lovejoy: The Lord will hear your lamentations and bring solace to your ills.
Moe: The Lord or Marge Simpson!
Lenny: Amen to that!
Reverend Lovejoy: Um, could we please NOT yell out things in the church.

Akira: [reading the Mr. Sparkle box] He identifies himself as "a magnet for foodstuffs." He boasts that he will "banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts."

[Homer falls asleep during Lovejoy's sermon and smacks his head]
Homer: DAMN IT!
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I seem to have lost my place... so I'll start over.
Moe: Aw, for the love of crumb cake!
Reverend Lovejoy: Our sermon today is on constancy.

[Ned Flanders calls Reverend Lovejoy with an "emergency."]
Ned: I think I swallowed a toothpick!

Kearney: I'm sleepy. Let's go to school.

Marge: You've got to get him out of there.
Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society.
Bart: They're going to kill him?
Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin.

Marge: Oh, my goodness! Kids! Homer! We're late for church. [pulls off the blanket, revealing her church clothes] I'm glad I dressed last night.
Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well, in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.

Reverend Lovejoy: Lovejoy here.
Principal Skinner: (on phone) Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.
Reverend Lovejoy: All right.
Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face," I didn't even know he had a problem!

[While Homer, Bart, and Lisa are at the dump]
Homer: Okay, who's up for some scrounging? [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated into a bowl-like shape] Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.
Lisa: I found a Malibu Stacey with no head. [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso] Aah! [drops Stacey]
Homer: [laughs, then a raccoon emerges from the basketball and attacks Homer] Aah! Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!

(It is a flashback to the '70s. Ned Flanders goes into Reverend Lovejoy's office)
Ned Flanders: Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something has happened.
Reverend Lovejoy: Well sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here for.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump", but my hip slipped and my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!

[When Bart and Lisa find a box that has a face which looks like Homer on it]
Lisa: What the heck is that?
Bart: Maybe it's a box from the future.
Lisa: It looks Japanese.
Homer: What's going on? Wha... why am I on a Japanese box? [babbles worriedly]

Moe: Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this?
Marge: Oh, well, this is um, the uh ... The Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't even know where to begin here.
Marge: Okay ... um, why don't you start from the top?
Moe: All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.
Marge: Aw, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.
Moe: Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me. Wow, you're good, thanks. [hangs up]
[The phone rings; Moe calls back]
Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background] Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!

Marge: Homer! Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table? It came from the dump.
Homer: But Marge, I'm obsessed with it. Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it?
Bart: Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you. They're probably watching us right now.
Marge: That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now. [The family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]

[Marge the "Listen Lady" helps out Lenny]
Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now, he's coming over for dinner.
Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.
Lenny: No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big, delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
Lenny: Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'till he don't know what's what.

Reverend Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. [looks heaven-ward] What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius: [comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light] The real question is: What have you done to keep them?
Reverend Lovejoy: [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.
St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here. [the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows]

[Reverend Lovejoy is playing sadly with his train set]
Reverend Lovejoy: Attention, HO-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty. If the passengers will look to their right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Lisa: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

Reverend Lovejoy: [walks into the room] Yes, Marge?
Marge: Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble.
Reverend Lovejoy: [exasperated] What happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip?
Marge: No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help?
[Reverend Lovejoy looks out the basement window. As if on cue, a bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be heard. The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has accidentally backed into the keyboard]
Marge: Eh? [stands up] Sorry.

[At Donny's Discount Gas Station]
Marge: Donny?
Donny: What?
Marge: Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
Donny: I see lots of stuff.
Lisa: Did you see that?
Donny: Yes. [points to the zoo across the street]

[Flanders is being surrounded by baboons]
Flanders: Help! What do I do?
Lisa: Play dead!
Homer: No! Run around in circles!
Bart: No, act like a lion!
Marge: Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned, knock that monkey down!

Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!

Bart: Wow.
Lisa: Oh, those poor monkeys.
Marge: They started it.

Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.
Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.

[At church]
Reverend Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of great apes rose up at me, but biff! Bam! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me, and that's when I got mad...
Homer: Now, that's religion.

Season 7 Season 8 Quotes Season 9
Treehouse of Horror VIIYou Only Move TwiceThe Homer They FallBurns, Baby BurnsBart After DarkA Milhouse DividedLisa's Date with DensityHurricane NeddyEl Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)The Springfield FilesThe Twisted World of Marge SimpsonMountain of MadnessSimpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-ciousThe Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie ShowHomer's PhobiaBrother from Another SeriesMy Sister, My SitterHomer vs. the Eighteenth AmendmentGrade School ConfidentialThe Canine MutinyThe Old Man and the LisaIn Marge We TrustHomer's EnemyThe Simpsons Spin-Off ShowcaseThe Secret War of Lisa Simpson
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