A Tale of Two Springfields
Insane Clown Poppy
Lisa the Tree Hugger
[Frankie the Squealer gets beaten up for being a squealer]
Louie: Had enough, squealer?
Frankie the Squealer: Did you know Fat Tony's real first name is Marion?
Legs: You just don't get it, do you?

Fat Tony: Now some unpleasant news. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.
Legs: We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
Frankie the Squealer: Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealing! It makes me feel big!

[Krusty describes his meeting with Sophie's mother]
Krusty: Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was the fact that Arab women weren't biting. Whatever it was, it was magic!

Sophie's Mother: I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam!
Krusty: You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!

[Bart gets an autograph from Krusty]
Bart: "K to C"?
Krusty: Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day!

[During an awkward silence]
Homer: (singing) Owimo-weh Owimo-weh Owimo-weh. (A la 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Tokens')
Fat Tony: Don't do that.

Krusty: I tried the "got your nose" bit on her. Didn't fool her for a second!
Homer: My uncle still has my nose.

Louie: Johnny Tightlips where'd they hit ya?
Johnny Tightlips: I ain't sayin' nothin'.
Louie: Then what do I tell the doctor?
Johnny Tightlips: Tell him to suck a lemon.

Homer: Well, I won't lie.. Fatherhood isn't easy. Like motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh man that would be sweet!

Krusty: I think I'll go someplace friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny!

[During an episode of "Dawson's Creek"]
Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson's gonna be bummed.

[After Homer destroys Lisa’s room with fireworks]
Homer: Oh, Lisa, this must be a rough time for you. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?
Lisa: You've ruined all my stuff.
Homer: Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you. Hey, pretend it's your birthday!
Lisa: It is my birthday!
Bart: That's the spirit!

[When Bart looks at the “books for Dummies” section]
Bart: Finally books for today's busy idiot. "Network Programming for Dummies", "Christianity for Dummies", ... "Moby Dick"? [reads the book]: "Call me Ishmael, Dummy.” [The Dummies author is standing nearby him] How did you write all these books?
Dummies Author: Duh, I don't know. [holds up a dollar-sign bag] Me got to go to bank now.

Krusty: You probably think I'm perfect, don't you?
Sophie: I don't.
Krusty: Well, I lost your violin to a bet in a poker game.
Sophie: What!
Krusty: Don't worry; I got you an even better instrument.
Sophie: Dad, that's a ukulele.
Krusty: It's the thinking man's violin. Check it out. [takes the ukulele back, strums it, and sings] I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii.
Sophie: I want my violin.
Krusty: But, honey, I ... [stammers]
Sophie: I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait, time out. Four aces is not a gamble.
Sophie: Mom was right. I was better off not knowing you.

Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat all you want, any time you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick: Err…you might! It's a free country!

[During “The Future of Reading” event]
Kent Brockman: Alright, does anyone have a question for our panel that's not about how much money they make? [the audience’s hands go down]
Lenny: [at the microphone] Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is the B-2 bomber more detectible when it rains?
Kent Brockman: Oh, what do you think, Tom Clancy?
Tom Clancy Well, the B-2…
Lenny: No, no, no, I was asking Maya Angelou!
Maya Angelou: The ebony fighter awakens, dabbled with the dewy beads of morn.
Moe: Maya Angelou is black?
Maya Angelou: It is a Mach-5 child, forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.
Lenny: Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure!

[Lisa’s turn at the microphone during the “Future of Reading” Event]
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved "The Joy Luck Club". It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.
Amy Tan: No, that's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
Lisa: But..
Amy Tan: Please just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. [Lisa sits back down and Homer scooches over into another seat away from her]

Krusty: Name?
Sophie: My name is Sophie.
Krusty: Hey, good luck with that.
Sophie: I'm your daughter.
Krusty: Whaaaaaaa...?!
Sophie: [hugs Krusty] I finally found my daddy!
Krusty: Oh... I think I just seltzered myself. [John Updike chuckles at him] Shut up, Updike!

Krusty: [to Sophie] Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy, but I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. [gives Sophie a Krusty key chain]
Sophie: No, I'm sure you're my father. You met my mom during the Gulf War.
Krusty: Was you mother an Israeli flight attendant?
Sophie: No....
Krusty: Cokie Roberts?
Sophie: No, she was a soldier: chestnut brown hair, kind-of shy, 32 confirmed kills...

Krusty: [to Sophie] Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
Sophie: All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown, so I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.

[During dinner at the Simpsons’ house]
Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but jeez, a kid!
Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
Homer: Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So, how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playing the field? Ooh, yeah, really? All those guys? [Everyone gapes at him] Amen.

Homer: [while talking to Krusty] Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink. Because overthinking is um...what were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!

Sophie: [to Krusty] It's nice that you don't always have to be "on."
Krusty: I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell ya, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
Sophie: Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset. [takes out and plays a violin]
Krusty: Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play that when I was a boy. It's beautiful!
Sophie: Do you play?
Krusty: No, I guess musical talent skips a generation... like diabetes. Might want to watch out for that, too.

Krusty: [rushes into the Simpsons’ house] Ya gotta help me! My daughter found out I'm a jerk!
Marge: Oh, Krusty, I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
Homer: Marge, may I play Devil's Advocate for a moment?
Marge: Sure, go ahead.
[Scene shows Homer playing the Devil's Advocate pinball machine at the arcade and Krusty waits for him to finish]
Homer: Now, what were we talking about?
Krusty: My daughter's violin!
Homer: Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back?
Krusty: Really? You'd help me take on the mob?
Homer: For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.

Krusty: Every mob family in the country's here: the Cuomos, the Travoltas, the Lasordas, the Boyardees....

Louie: Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.
Legs: Nah. For me, it's solar or nothing.

[When Krusty gets Sophie’s violin back]
Sophie: You did it! You got it back! Thanks, Dad.
Krusty: "Dad.” That still sounds weird to me, but I'm glad we're friends again.
Sophie: [opens up the violin case] And you've lined the case with money! Small bills, unmarked, and nonsequential!
Krusty: Holy simoleans! There must be five grand in there! Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you, you lucky little hamantaschen.

[While Homer is being chased by the Mafia]
Frankie the Squealer: That's him! Homer Simpson! He's the squealer!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry. [the gunfire stops] Sorry you’re such jerks! Ha ha! [the gunfire begins again; he screams]
- -
Marge: Look Maggie, Christopher Walken is reading "Goodnight Moon"!
Christopher Walken: Goodnight room, goodnight moon, goodnight cow, jumping, over the moon...
[The kids around him retreat, frightened.]
Christopher Walken: Please childrens, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again, about the scooching.
[The kids are still scared but get closer to him slowly.]
Christopher Walken: You in the red, chop chop.
[He smiles.]

Season 11 Season 12 Quotes Season 13
Treehouse of Horror XIA Tale of Two SpringfieldsInsane Clown PoppyLisa the Tree HuggerHomer vs. DignityThe Computer Wore Menace ShoesThe Great Money CaperSkinner's Sense of SnowHOMЯPokey MomWorst Episode EverTennis the MenaceDay of the JackanapesNew Kids on the BlecchHungry, Hungry HomerBye Bye NerdieSimpson SafariTrilogy of ErrorI'm Goin' to PraiselandChildren of a Lesser ClodSimpsons Tall Tales
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.

Fandom may earn an affiliate commission on sales made from links on this page.

Stream the best stories.

Fandom may earn an affiliate commission on sales made from links on this page.

Get Disney+