[Frankie the Squealer gets beaten up for being a squealer]
Louie: Had enough, squealer?
Frankie the Squealer: Did you know Fat Tony's real first name is Marion?
Legs: You just don't get it, do you?
Fat Tony: Now some unpleasant news. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.
Legs: We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
Frankie the Squealer: Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealing! It makes me feel big!
[Krusty describes his meeting with Sophie's mother]
Krusty: Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was the fact that Arab women weren't biting. Whatever it was, it was magic!
Sophie's Mother: I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam!
Krusty: You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!
[Bart gets an autograph from Krusty]
Bart: "K to C"?
Krusty: Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day!
[During an awkward silence]
Homer: (singing) Owimo-weh Owimo-weh Owimo-weh. (A la 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Tokens')
Fat Tony: Don't do that.
Krusty: I tried the "got your nose" bit on her. Didn't fool her for a second!
Homer: My uncle still has my nose.
Legs: Johnny Tight Lips where'd they hit ya?
Johnny Tight Lips: I ain't sayin' nothin'.
Legs: Then what do I tell the doctor?
Johnny Tight Lips: Tell him to suck a lemon.
Homer: Well, I won't lie.. Fatherhood isn't easy. Like motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh man that would be sweet!
Krusty: I think I'll go someplace friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny!
[During an episode of "Dawson's Creek"]
Lisa: I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson's gonna be bummed.
[After Homer destroys Lisa’s room with fireworks]
Homer: Oh, Lisa, this must be a rough time for you. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?
Lisa: You've ruined all my stuff.
Homer: Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you. Hey, pretend it's your birthday!
Lisa: It is my birthday!
Bart: That's the spirit!
[When Bart looks at the “books for Dummies” section]
Bart: Finally books for today's busy idiot. "Network Programming for Dummies", "Christianity for Dummies", ... "Moby Dick"? [reads the book]: "Call me Ishmael, Dummy.” [The Dummies author is standing nearby him] How did you write all these books?
Dummies Author: Duh, I don't know. [holds up a dollar-sign bag] Me got to go to bank now.
Krusty: You probably think I'm perfect, don't you?
Sophie: I don't.
Krusty: Well, I lost your violin to a bet in a poker game.
Krusty: Don't worry; I got you an even better instrument.
Sophie: Dad, that's a ukulele.
Krusty: It's the thinking man's violin. Check it out. [takes the ukulele back, strums it, and sings] I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii.
Sophie: I want my violin.
Krusty: But, honey, I ... [stammers]
Sophie: I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait, time out. Four aces is not a gamble.
Sophie: Mom was right. I was better off not knowing you.
Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat all you want, any time you want.
Marge: And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick: Err…you might! It's a free country!
[During “The Future of Reading” event]
Kent Brockman: Alright, does anyone have a question for our panel that's not about how much money they make? [the audience’s hands go down]
Lenny: [at the microphone] Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is the B-2 bomber more detectible when it rains?
Kent Brockman: Oh, what do you think, Tom Clancy?
Tom Clancy Well, the B-2…
Lenny: No, no, no, I was asking Maya Angelou!
Maya Angelou: The ebony fighter awakens, dabbled with the dewy beads of morn.
Moe: Maya Angelou is black?
Maya Angelou: It is a Mach-5 child, forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.
Lenny: Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure!
[Lisa’s turn at the microphone during the “Future of Reading” Event]
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved "The Joy Luck Club". It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.
Amy Tan: No, that's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
Amy Tan: Please just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. [Lisa sits back down and Homer scooches over into another seat away from her]
Sophie: My name is Sophie.
Krusty: Hey, good luck with that.
Sophie: I'm your daughter.
Sophie: [hugs Krusty] I finally found my daddy!
Krusty: Oh... I think I just seltzered myself. [John Updike chuckles at him] Shut up, Updike!
Krusty: [to Sophie] Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy, but I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. [gives Sophie a Krusty key chain]
Sophie: No, I'm sure you're my father. You met my mom during the Gulf War.
Krusty: Was you mother an Israeli flight attendant?
Krusty: Cokie Roberts?
Sophie: No, she was a soldier: chestnut brown hair, kind-of shy, 32 confirmed kills...
Krusty: [to Sophie] Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
Sophie: All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown, so I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.
[During dinner at the Simpsons’ house]
Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but jeez, a kid!
Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
Homer: Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So, how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playing the field? Ooh, yeah, really? All those guys? [Everyone gapes at him] Amen.
Homer: [while talking to Krusty] Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink. Because overthinking is um...what were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!
Sophie: [to Krusty] It's nice that you don't always have to be "on."
Krusty: I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell ya, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
Sophie: Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset. [takes out and plays a violin]
Krusty: Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play that when I was a boy. It's beautiful!
Sophie: Do you play?
Krusty: No, I guess musical talent skips a generation... like diabetes. Might want to watch out for that, too.
Krusty: [rushes into the Simpsons’ house] Ya gotta help me! My daughter found out I'm a jerk!
Marge: Oh, Krusty, I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
Homer: Marge, may I play Devil's Advocate for a moment?
Marge: Sure, go ahead.
[Scene shows Homer playing the Devil's Advocate pinball machine at the arcade and Krustywaits for him to finish]
Homer: Now, what were we talking about?
Krusty: My daughter's violin!
Homer: Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back?
Krusty: Really? You'd help me take on the mob?
Homer: For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.
Krusty: Every mob family in the country's here: the Cuomos, the Travoltas, the Lasordas, the Boyardees....
Legs: Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.
Louie: Nah. For me, it's solar or nothing.
[When Krusty gets Sophie’s violin back]
Sophie: You did it! You got it back! Thanks, Dad.
Krusty: "Dad.” That still sounds weird to me, but I'm glad we're friends again.
Sophie: [opens up the violin case] And you've lined the case with money! Small bills, unmarked, and nonsequential!
Krusty: Holy simoleans! There must be five grand in there! Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you, you lucky little hamantaschen.
[While Homer is being chased by the Mafia]
Frankie the Squealer: That's him! Homer Simpson! He's the squealer!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry. [the gunfire stops] Sorry you’re such jerks! Ha ha! [the gunfire begins again; he screams]
Marge: Look Maggie, Christopher Walken is reading "Goodnight Moon"!
Christopher Walken: Goodnight room, goodnight moon, goodnight cow, jumping, over the moon...
[The kids around him retreat, frightened.]
Christopher Walken: Please childrens, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again, about the scooching.
[The kids are still scared but get closer to him slowly.]