Homer: You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
Marge: So much, needless brutality. I don’t know if I’m having any impact at all.
(In the cartoon, it’s baseball-themed game. Itchy and Scratchy are hitting each other with bats when a squirrel, resembling Marge, sees them.)
Squirrel: Don't do that! Don't do that! Hey, don't do that!
(Itchy and Scratchy look at the squirrel and Itchy knocks the squirrel's head off. Itchy and Scratchy shake hands as a result. Back to Homer and Marge.)
Homer: (laughs) Take that, you dumb squirrel! (laughs) Where do they get their ideas?
(Homer and Marge visit the Statue of David exhibit)
Homer: Well, there he is. Michelangelo's Dave.
Marge gives her signature annoyed grunt
Homer: Marge, what is wrong?
Marge: It just bothers me no end that the kids could be seeing one of the most notable works of art in the history of the world but they would rather be at home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other!
Homer: Do not worry Marge, soon every girl and boy at Springfield Elementary School will be seeing this statue.
Marge: How will that be?
Homer: They are forcing them to!
(Kent Brockman comments on the Statue of David)
Kent: Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down?
(Helen Lovejoy and Maude Flanders arrive at Marge's doorstep)
Helen: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination! (Shows Marge a newspaper with the Statue of David on the cover)
Marge: Hmm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Helen: (Gasps) It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude: (Gasps) I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.
(Homer watches TV)
TV Announcer: It's a tool that every home handy man needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
Homer: (Very interested) One thousand dollars!
TV Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet.
Homer: Oh, sorry.
Itchy and Scratchy's new temporary opening: They love, and share. They share and love and share. Love, love, love, Share, share, share. The Itchy & Scratchy Show!
Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
[Maggie picks up a pencil and points it toward Homer]
Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby!
Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
[After Marge forbids Bart and Lisa to watch "Itchy and Scratchy"]
Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
Bart: Really? What kind of robots?
Homer: [calling in sick for work] You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. I told you! My baby beat me up! No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
Marge: What do we want?
Crowd: Substantially less violence in children's programming!
Marge: When do we want it?
Kent Brockman: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of Smartline. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not, what kind of stupid question is that?"
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.
Marge: I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn'
Roger Meyers, Jr.: (reading the letters) I don't believe this. I will never watch your show by any of your products, or brake if I see you crossing the street? Wow that's cold. (the camera moves onto to a whole bunch of letters sent by angry parents). Dear Sleezmergant. Oh come on! That hurts. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.