- Kearney: Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.
- Kent Brockman: I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader. [He walks into a shack.]
- Homer: [Thinking] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
- [Camera shows Bart]
- Homer: D'oh! [His hair falls off and stomach expands]
- Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- [The lottery numbers are read off.]
- Homer: [holding his lottery ticket.]
- Radio: Seventeen.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Radio: Thirty-two.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Radio: Five.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Radio: Eight.
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Radio: Forty-seven.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Bart: I dreamt it was the last day of school!
- Homer: Well, it is!
- Bart: How do I know this isn't some beautiful dream, too?
- [Homer whacks Bart on the head with a newspaper.]
- Bart: Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional.
- Marge: Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
- Homer: Sure do. When you're 18, you're out the door!
- Miss Hoover: Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.
- Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a 'C' average, I can't go to Kamp Krusty!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Have a 'D'-lightful summer.
- Teacher: [when the bells ring] Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!
- [The class waits expectantly.]
- Teacher: We won!
- Class: [running out of the building, cheering] Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
- Principal Skinner: [watching the children rock a car] Hm...I haven't seen such unfeathered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. Well, William, another school year gone by...
- Groundskeeper Willie: And may I say a job well done, sir!
- Principal Skinner: Well, back to work, then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back! [winks, puts on shades and leaves]
- Groundskeeper Willie: [salutes] Aye, sir! [mutters under his breath when Skinner is gone] Eh, ya silk-wearin' buttercup...
- Bart: Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- Homer: 'A+'!? You don't think much of me, do you, boy?
- Bart: No, sir.
- Homer: You know a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy.
- Bart: So I won't get to go to camp?
- Homer: Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades and you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?
- Bart: You mean I can go?
- Homer: Yeah. I didn't want you hangin' around all summer anyway.
- Bart: Oh, Dad! You're the best father a boy could ever have.
- Homer: Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands...could you reach under the mower and pull out that skate?
- Marge: It's our last family dinner for six weeks. But I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
- [The others ignore her and continue to eat.]
- Marge: [crying] Oh, I'm going to miss this.
- Bart: Hey, hands off my pickle!
- Homer: I don't see your name on it, boy!
- Bart: No, but-- [licks the pickle]
- Homer: Oh, yeah? [dunks the pickle in his milk] Checkmate!
- Bart: Always thinking two moves ahead.
- Marge: Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember, leaves of three, let it be.
- Homer: Leaves of four, eat some more! [Laughs]
- [The bus departs for Kamp Krusty with the kids on board.]
- Bart: Don't look in my closet! In fact, stay out of my room all together.
- Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!
- Mr. Black: I'll take any questions you might have ... you? And then, um ... one more.
- Milhouse: Can we call you Uncle Blackie?
- Mr. Black: No. Last question.
- [The kids sit around a campfire of burning tires, roasting pine cones while the camp counselors (the school bullies) supervise.]
- Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
- Dolph: Shut up and eat your pine cone!
- [At the dock, Lisa hesitates to get into a battered-looking canoe bobbing around in rough waves.]
- Lisa: Uh...are you sure that's safe?
- Kearney: Well, it ain't gettin' any safer!
- [The canoe breaks apart and sinks.]
- [At dinnertime ... ]
- Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
- Dolph: Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference!
- Kids enter a rustic camp cabin
- Lisa: This is a liitle more rustic than I expected.
- Bart: I'm not worried, Lis. You know why? [Bart wipes off grime to reveal a Krusty sticker] Because of this...the Krusty Brand Seal of Approval! You can only find it on products that meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Klown.
- [Camera pans into seal, then pans away on identical seal in another room in a city far away from Kamp Krusty, presumably Springfield. Seal is now on a Krusty alarm clock. Krusty touches the clock and there is a noticable sizzle.]
- Krusty: Oww!
- Man: Oops! I should've warned you that clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.
- Krusty: That's okay.
- [The camera pans to other defective merchandise such as a Krusty wall clock that says "hoo hoo ha ha" at an accelerated pace]
- Krusty: Uh.. all this stuff is fine! Now I'm off to Wimbledon!
- Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
- Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
- Lisa: I meant soon.
- Bart: So did I.
- Lisa: [writing home] Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty.
- Marge: [reading Lisa's letter] She complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.
- Bart: [holding on for his life in a wind storm] Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job.
- Mr. Black: Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown!
- Bart: [delusional] See, I told you Krusty would come just like I said! [chuckles] He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies!
- [Instead of the real Krusty, it's a disheveled and crudely disguised Barney Gumble.]
- Mr. Black: Now, I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
- Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!
- Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance.
- Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.
- Bart: [angry] That's not Krusty the Clown!!
- [The other kids gasp.]
- Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [laughs nervously]
- Barney: Yeah, Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! [belches]
- Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! WE WANT KRUSTY!
- [The other kids join in and chant with Bart.]
- Bart and Kids: WE WANT KRUSTY! WE WANT KRUSTY!
- Barney: Yeah! We want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!
- [A full-scale revolt breaks out, and Bart frees the fat-camp kids.]
- Bart: My chunky brothers! Gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!
- [The fat-camp kids chow down in the cafeteria kitchen. Martin feeds directly from the gruel tub.]
- Martin: Ahh! Sweet nourishing gruel!
- [On TV, Kent Brockman reports about the chaos at Kamp Krusty.]
- Kent Brockman: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been to Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. A group of school-aged Spartacuses have taken the camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.
- Bart: I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. [covers microphone with his hand] Can I say 'crappy' on TV?
- Kent: Yes, on this network you can.
- [The real Krusty the Clown arrives at camp, but the kids don't believe it's really him.]
- Krusty: I'm no fake! I'm the real Krusty!
- Lisa: Oh, yeah!? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?
- Krusty: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
- Bart: Krusty! This camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
- Krusty: Oh, my God!!
- Bart: Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
- Krusty: Was it a nice hat?
- Bart: Oh, yeah.
- Krusty: Oh, my God!! Well, I'm gonna make it all up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life.
- Krusty: Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on Earth: Tijuana!
- Homer: Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?
- Otto: All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti-O's and daytime TV!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Here are your grades.
- (She hands Bart his report card. He looks at it and notices he got an F- in all subjects)
- Bart: Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a C average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.
- (She takes Bart's report card and changes his grade to a C average. Then she hands it back to him.)
- Bart: Much obliged, doll.
- (He smacks Krabappel's butt and she starts giggling)
- Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.