Homer and Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac,
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track,
Homer and Marge: Michael Jackson still was black, those were the days!
Homer: [to Bart] Hey there, meat-head. What are you doing?
Bart: Ah I thought I'd check out the Warner Bros. Network.
(On TV, a frog in a straw boater dances among a WB shield with the W on top and B on bottom)
Michigan J. Frog: (singing) We're proud to present on the WB, another bad show that no one will seeeeeeeee! Ahh, I need a drink.
TV Announcer: It's the TV movie of the year! "The Krusty the Clown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail, and Laughter!" Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown!
Fyvush Finkel: (as Krusty) Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce.
Chin Ho: Chan Ho is over there! I am Chin Ho!
Fyvush Finkel: (as Krusty) Whoever you are! Just pass it along, kid!
[While Lisa's practicing her saxophone]
Homer: Lisa, knock off that racket!
Lisa: But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day!
Homer: I'll practice you!
Lisa: You'll practice me...what does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of a threat?
Lisa: Look Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me!
Bart: Oh yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am ten. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. [thinks for a moment] Gimme that sax!
Bart: I said gimme it!
Lisa: I said NO!
Bart: Gimme it!
[Bart yanks the sax from Lisa's hands, and Lisa watches in slow-motion terror as it flies out her window and into the street. It lands with a clatter, and is immediately crushed by car, a truck driven by Hans Moleman, and a few jumps from Nelson, who says, "Ha, ha!". The tricycle-riding man from "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" falling down on it.]
Homer: Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves.
Homer: Don't worry, son, if that really bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves!
[Maggie looks at Homer and clutches the power drill]
Homer: It all happened in 1990! Back then, "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" was currently known as "Prince". Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches, and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school.
Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me.
Grampa: (from Homer's memory) Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly, if a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: (angrily) Lousy traumatic childhood!
Marge: Ooh, there's the bus! Goodbye sweetheart! [hugs Bart]
Bart: School will be fun!
Principal Skinner: Welcome kindergarteners, I'm Principal Sinner...Skinner! [The kids laugh.] Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.
Principal Skinner: Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunchlady Doris, who'll serve you healthy, nutritious meals.
Lunchlady Doris: Yeah, right.
Principal Skinner: Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and Jimbo, the school bully, who will administer noogies and nipple twisters.
Jimbo: I look forward to wailing on all of you.
Class: [singing] There was a farmer, had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O!
Bart: B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)! And Bingo was his name-O!
Bart's Kindergarten Teacher: [observing with clipboard] Added extra clap; not college material.
[Bart skips through the grass, humming happily.]
Groundskeeper Willie: Hey! Wee bairn! Hie yer hits from me heath!
[Bart stares at Willie blankly before continuing to skip.]
Groundskeeper Willie: Can't ye understand English?!? [throws his rake on the ground in frustration and points to a sign, which reads "ACH! KEEP OFF THE GRASS"]
[Homer, Marge, and Apu sing]
Homer: Bart was feeling mighty blue..
Marge: It's a shame what school can do..
Apu: [sticks his head in the front window] For no reason here's Apu
Homer, Marge, and Apu: Those were the days!
Homer: And that my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school.
Bart: [relaxes on couch] Very nice.
Lisa: Yeah. Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone!
Homer: [thinks for a second] D'oh!
Marge: Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. Could you try it for a while?
Homer: No problem. I'll just give her a sip of beer. Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time! [in baby talk] Yes, it's Miller time!
Homer: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child. 'Til I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
(Flashback to when Homer wrapped his wagon around the tree when he was young.)
Barney: Let's never drink again!
(Back to the present.)
Homer: And we never did. (sips his beer.)
Lisa: Mom, can you tell me a story about how I got my saxophone and not have it turn into a story about Bart?!
Marge: Well sure, honey. Bart had just completed his first day of school, and Bart...
Bart: Hey, she's just giving the public what it wants: Bart by the barrelfull!
Bart: A, B, C … uh, line?
Bart's Kindergarten Teacher: D!
Bart: D, E … line?
Bart's Kindergarten Teacher: F, Bart. And believe me; you'll be seeing plenty of them.
Marge: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
Homer: Ooooh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge: Homer, stop, will you please look at the drawing?
Homer: Oh alright, what a … [sees it] Aahhh! Burn it! Send it to hell!
Marge: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
Homer: [cringing] Get it away!
Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?
Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man something is seriously wrong!
Grampa: [in a baseball uniform] I'll play catch with you, son!
Homer: Get the hell out!
Grampa: I'm gone.
Dr. Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge: Bart's gay?
Dr. Pryor: Bart? Whoops, wrong file.
(Scene shows a file with Van Houten, Milhouse on it.)
[Dr. Pryor sees Lisa put together a puzzle of the Taj Mahal]
Dr. Pryor: Hm, Lisa, how old are you?
Lisa: I am three and three eighths!
Dr. Pryor: Hm. Lisa, if I have five apples, and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left?
Lisa: Two apples!
Homer: Wait a minute! [counts on his fingers] She's right!
Dr. Pryor: Heh, very good. Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted.
Marge: That's wonderful! But still, can't you do anything for Bart?
Homer: Marge, he's five, his life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future!
Lisa: Wave of the future!
[When Marge and Homer are trying to get Lisa into a prestigious preschool]
Headmaster: I can assure you our preschool is of the highest quality. Over 75% of our graduates go on to 1st grade!
Homer: Well, our little girl has a gift, and we're willing to do what it takes to help her.
Headmaster: Very good. Once we receive your $6,000 tuition check, she's in.
Homer: I'll give you 50 bucks.
Headmaster: Our fee is non-negotiable.
Marge: Look, I knew private school would be expensive, but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.
Headmaster: Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group.
Homer: [in a Mexican accent] Excellente! Muchos gracias seniorata!
Homer: [in a Chinese accent] Ah-so...
Homer: Our family was suffering through its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
Bart: Uh, Homer? It's five years later, and I'm still miserable at school.
Lisa: And my gifts are still going to waste!
Marge: And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream until my lungs explode!! [The rest of the family stares at Marge for a moment. She regains her composure after a deep breath.] I'll go start dinner now. [goes into the kitchen]
Homer: You do that.
[When Grampa comes over]
Homer: Dad, what are you doing here?
Grampa: Looking for my teeth! [Santa's Little Helper has Grampa's false teeth in his mouth.] Gimme those! [takes the teeth] Better wash these off. Aw, the hell with it.[puts them in his mouth anyway]
Grampa: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"! [sings] Oh... I'm...the...[falls asleep standing up]
[During Springfield's unseasonable heat wave; Homer is watching TV while in his underwear]
Kent Brockman: [on TV] And so Springfield's heat wave continues, with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date, set way back four billion years ago, when the earth was just a ball of molten lava!
Homer: Oh... so hot...
Marge: Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?
[Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]
Marge: Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!
Homer: Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have Foosball, do they?
[Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]
Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?
Edward Munch's "The Scream" Painting: Meeeeeee!
[end of Homer's daydream]
Marge: Mmm, it doesn't matter. All these things cost money and we don't have it. Unless...
Marge: Well, there is that $200 we've been saving for the new air conditioner.
Homer: Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years! And our stop-gap solution is getting cranky! [The "stop-gap solution" is a white cat with a fan on its tail, blowing air onto a block of ice, who lets out an angry meow]
Marge: I cannot believe this! I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life, and you aren't helping a bit!
Homer: Marge, name one successful person in life who ever lived without air conditioning.
Homer: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.
Marge: But Balzac is the name!
Homer: [interrupts] "If if's and but's were candy and nuts..." eh, how does the rest of that go?
[Homer steals Flanders' air conditioner]
Ned: Uh, Homer?
Homer: What, Flanders?
Ned: [polite tone] Well sir, I hate to be a suspicious-allouicious on you, [switches to angry tone] but did you steal my air conditioner?!
[Scene shows Flanders' house with a hole torn out of the side in the window where his air conditioner used to be which leads to a fence that's been knocked over along with footprints in the dirt, leading to Homer's window where his air conditioner is]
Homer: Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of "let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? [gets hit on the head with a rock].
Todd: Got him, dad!
Marge: So, just when things looked their worst…
Grampa: I realized I could make money selling my medication to deadheads!
Marge: Grampa, what are you talking about?
Grampa: Uhhh … nothing.
[Bart meets Milhouse in kindergarten]
Milhouse: Uh, hi.
Milhouse: I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.
Bart: I wish I was interesting like you.
[Bart is standing on a bench in front of a bunch of kids]
Bart: [fart noise] Doodie! [fart noise] Booger!
[the kids laugh]
Jimbo: That is killer material!
Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate i got in 'Nam. Now I want you to knock off that potty talk right now.
Bart: The principal said potty!
Principal Skinner: You listen to me, son. You've just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life. Now, what do you say?
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Principal Skinner: All right, I'll ea...eat your shorts?!
Bart: Yeah, eat my shorts! [singing to "Batman" theme] Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!
Principal Skinner: Buttman? [pulls Bart away]
Nelson: Ah, he's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms!
The Kid Who Eats Worms [while eating worms]: My 15 minutes of fame are over! [swallows worms]
Homer: Well, Moe, this is it. Today's the day I get my new air conditioner!
Moe: Congratulations. Who's the little chick?
Lisa: I'm Lisa!
Homer: She has a gift.
Lisa: You have thirteen pickled eggs in that jar. And one cockroach.
Moe: Who are you, sweetheart, the Health Inspector?
Health Inspector: No, but I am.
Moe: Here, have a margarita.
[Health Inspector finds a syringe in his margarita.]
Moe: Uh, that's a parasol.
Homer: So, what do you like, Lisa? Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Oboe-mo-boe?
[The first inscription on Lisa's new sax]
Music Store Owner: Would you like an inscription, sir?
Homer: Yeah. To Lisa: never forget your daddy loves...[drops the sax]...d'oh!
Bart: Wow, so that's how Lisa got her sax!
Homer: Next, I'll tell you the origin of Maggie's pacifier!
Marge: What origin? We got it for $1.95 down at the Safeway!
Lisa: Well, I really liked that story. But it still doesn't fix this.
Marge: You know, Homer, I think we have some money in the air conditioner account again, hmm?
Homer: Oh, but Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig...
Apu: [from the front window] Don't forget the smell!
Homer: Will you get off my front lawn?
Apu: Why don't you come and make me?
Homer: Why? Oh, I give up.
[The inscription on Lisa's new saxophone]
Lisa: [reads] Dear Lisa: May Your New Saxophone Bring You Years Of... D'oh!
Marge: You're a good father.
Homer: I learned from the master.
[Grampa is playing "peek-a-boo" with Maggie.]
Grampa: Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? I'm not kidding, I can't see, my retinas have detached again!
[Marge and Homer laugh]
Apu: He is blind as a bat! [the three laugh harder]