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A Star is Burns
Lisa's Wedding
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
(Ned Flanders plays a knight who has just felled his opponent in the Joust. After knocking his opponent off his horse, Ned raises his face shield)
Ned: ZOUNDS! I did the knight-tily smite-tily! You know, "Zounds" in an old English term meaning "God's Wounds", but "Smite-tily", well, that's pure Flanders!

[Lisa and Hugh get a ride in a taxi from the Otto Cab Company, driven by Joe Quimby, whose corruption has finally caught up to him as he has been withdrawn from office]
Lisa: Hey, I remember you! Mayor Quimby, right?
Mayor Quimby: I, uh, er, uh, uh, no. Look at this license: Mohammed Jafar.
[Quimby's transistor goes off and he answers it. Otto Mann, now with short hair and wearing a business suit, is on other end]
Otto: Quimby, after this fare, get your indicted ass out to the convention center.
Quimby: [to himself] I cut the ribbon at that convention center.

Bart: There's more to me than just demolition. I also crush cars into cubes. And in my spare time, I promote local tough man contests. Basically I'm getting out all my aggression till I go to law school.

Moe: Oh, a British boy. You know we saved your ass in World War II.
Hugh: Yeah, well we saved your ass in World War III.
Moe: That's true.

Fortune Teller: I've been waiting for you, Lisa.
Lisa: How did you know my name?
Fortune Teller: Your nametag... Would you like to know your future?
Lisa: Heh, sorry, I don't believe in fortune telling. I should go.
Fortune Teller: What's your hurry? Bart and Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.
Lisa: Wow, you can see into the... present.

Chief Wiggum: Behold the mighty Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...and the body...of a rabbit!
(The bunny jumps out of its pen and starts to hop away)
Lisa: [while chasing the bunny] Here, bunny bunny. Here, bunny.
Chief Wiggum: [correcting her] "Here, esquilax."

Fortune Teller [to Lisa]: Now we'll see what the future holds. [turns over a card from what looks like a Tarot deck]
Lisa: [gulps] The "Death" card?
Fortune Teller: No, that's good: it means transition, change.
Lisa: [relieved] Oh. [the fortune teller turns over another card] Oh, that's cute.
Fortune Teller: [gasps] "The Happy Squirrel"!
Lisa: That's bad?
Fortune Teller: Possibly. The cards are vague and mysterious.

Hugh: I've never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey.
Lisa: He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs.

Lisa: And I love that painting. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... 17th century?
Mrs. Parkfield: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred.
Eldred: [fishing in an empty fishbowl] I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

Lisa: Hi, Mom.
Marge: Lisa! Hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer", and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".
Lisa: Guess what? Hugh and I are getting married!
Marge: All right! Lisa, that's wonderful. If only your father were still with us...but he left for work a few minutes ago.

[Milhouse recalling his last date with Lisa]
Lisa: It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married. [Milhouse cries]
[Flashback ends]
Milhouse: I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.

Homer: Oh, I gotta call everyone and tell them the good news. [picks up the phone which says: "In use"] What the... oh. Maggie! I need to use the phone! [Scene shows Maggie upstairs on the phone, rolling her eyes] Will that girl ever shut up?

[When Smithers gets his invitation to Lisa's wedding]
Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. [pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall] Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys?
Professor Frink: Well, we're up to 15!
Scientists: Yay!

Principal Skinner: [to Miss Hoover] We've been invited to the wedding of our only graduate to read at an adult level.
Miss Hoover: Mmm, it must be Lisa Simpson, because of course Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion.
[The camera pans down below the earth]
Martin: [dressed up as The Phantom] Not quite perished, my lady love, although some days I wish I had. [starts playing "A Fifth of Beethoven" on an organ]

Marge: Bart! Homer! Maggie! Company eating rules!

Homer: So, Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes?'s a good one: pull my finger!
Hugh: [chuckles] Yes, we have that one in England, too, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: [in a threatening tone] I said pull my finger.

Lisa: Um, mom? We've got my wedding dress fitting this afternoon. Maggie if you're not doing anything why don't you come with us?
[Maggie, who is eating, begins to say something]
Marge: Maggie don't talk with your mouth full!
[Maggie rolls her eyes]

Kent Brockman: [on the CNNBCBS network] And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested... [a list scrolls by onscreen] while Heather Locklear-Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.

Marge: [while watching TV] You know, Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice.

Bart: Wow, Lisa, looking at you makes me want to get married for a third time. I met a really nice exotic dancer the other night at Hugh's bachelor party.
Lisa: Hugh didn't have a bachelor party.
Bart: We had one in his honor. [Lisa stares at him] I had one in his honor. [Lisa continues to stare at him] I went to a strip club.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, take me home! I'm not fully defrosted.
Smithers: Nonsense! Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go. [Mr. Burns' bottom half breaks off]
Mr. Burns: Ow!
Smithers: Oh, no. We've got a little situation here.
Mr. Burns: I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.

Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.

Hugh: [to Lisa] I must say, you were right. This has been quite trying. You know, I've attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as cautionary example...nothing works. Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England and we won't have to deal with them.
Lisa: Are you saying we won't see my family again?
Hugh: Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born.
Lisa: I can't believe I'm hearing this. I don't want to cut my family out of my life.
Hugh: Really? But Lisa, you're better than this place: you're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt.
Lisa: That's a horrible thing to say!
Hugh: Well, come on, you complain about them more than anyone.
Lisa: Maybe, but I still love them! And I don't think you understand that. [walks out, leaving the ring in Hugh's hand]

Reverend Lovejoy: And now, to sing "Amazing Grace", Miss Maggie Simpson.
[Maggie gets on stage and stands at the mic, looking a little worried]
Dr. Hibbert: (to Krusty) He-he, she's quite the hellion but she does have an incredible voice.
[Maggie clears her throat. She smiles and pauses for a second, and then inhales as she is about to sing]
Hugh: Stop everything! The wedding has been called off.
Nelson Sr.: Ha-ha!
Nelson Jr.: Ha-ha!
(Krusty groans)
Reverend Lovejoy: (As Maggie walks off stage) This is very sad news. And it would never have happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.
Lunchlady Doris: Who wants cake?

Fortune Teller: [to Lisa] The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.
Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future?
Fortune Teller: No...but try to look surprised.
Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.
Fortune Teller: Oh, you'll have a true love, but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.

Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.
Lisa: Hi, Dad! [hugs him]
Homer: I ate seven pounds of fudge!
Lisa: Wow!
Homer: The man at the stand said it was a record.
Lisa: Wow! What else did you do, Dad?
Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then, I rode them again...

Season 5 Season 6 Quotes Season 7
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