Homer: Listen, lady, you can't take a daughter from a mother unless you're a bigger star and this is a third-world country.
Laney: Marge, I know this sounds nuts, but I never had the joy you have. A child to hug me at the end of the day or-or a chance to pass along what I know. I'm going out on tour, and she's got all the makings of a star: talent, smarts and a star-shaped head.
Marge: Perhaps you didn't hear me. Here's your coat.
(Marge and Bart are trying to talk with Lisa via Skype)
Marge: Are you sure you set it up right?
Marge: Then why aren't we skyping?
Bart: I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.
Marge: My daughter is not drugged-out!
Bart: Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discotheques.
Marge: How do you know about all-night discoteques?
Bart: We have Disco Stu in this town, mom. He's a resource. Use him!! (Skype tone plays)
Marge: How are you, sweetie?
Lisa: (with a hoarse voice) I'm good, I'm good.
Marge: What happened to your voice?
Lisa: I don't know. Late rehearsals, cheap root beer... (coughs, making her voice go back to normal) But I'm great! We're heading to New York!! (her hair curls and she blows it back to normal)
Marge: Who's watching you?
Lisa: Sonny and Stix. (points the camera towards them)
Marge: Do I hear syncopation? Lisa, Lisa, I was thinking maybe you could come home a little early and...
Lisa: I'm sorry, I gotta go! Our take five is over, and jazz is all about following the rules, you know. (to someone else) Come on, guys. Don't I get a puff? (Marge gasps and Lisa is given a bag of cheese puffs) I really have the munchies! Bye!! (turns off the skype call)
Marge: We've got to get her back. (to Bart) Pack your things! We're heading for New York!!
Bart: We should get a place there, We go so often.
(the family' Station Wagon breaks on a rural road)
Homer: Damn it! Lousy electric car.
Bart: Dad, just because it got hit by lightning that time doesn't make it electric!
Homer: Shut up, boy!
(Lenny and Homer have just arrived at the poker night at Moe's)
Lenny: The maestro is here! (trips and falls through an open window)
Homer: Hey, Who's the lady?
Moe: What? Are you kidding? This is Laney Fontaine, Broadway legend! She started opposite Al Pacino's "Does a tiger wears a necktie"!
Laney: Now I date Moe! He's got everything I look for in a man: a current liquor license.
Moe: (chuckles) Well, it and you are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things I know.
Bart: And mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid will turn out, just look at all of them! (Marge groans)
Laney: (singing in one of the rehearsals) Don't know why, there's no sun up in the... in the... in the...
Chazz: How about "in the sky"!? The sky!! You ought to know, sweetheart. You were there when God created it!
Laney: Eh, go shave a coconut. (everyone gasps)
Chazz: I turned down Transformers on Broadway for this!? I was a Megatron-sized fool! Kristen Chenoweth was set to play Sam Witwicky's mother! This is how mad I am!! Fade to black!!
Assistant: You can't be serious.
Chazz: I said fade!! (the lights go out, fading to black) Everyone, meet me back here in however long it takes to wake up from five Valium. On the dot!
(Homer takes Jacob Flanders to 744 Evergreen Terrace)
Homer: See how gaudy his house is? A brass doorknocker? Who lives here, Caligula!?
Jacob: 'Tis troublin'. (Ned opens the door and goes talk to them)
Ned: Cousin Jacob, all the way from Pensyl-diddly-vania!
Jacob: I see thou art still using the Devil's "diddly"!
Ned: Well, I must confess, I-I do over-diddly.
Jacob: And I see your house is lit by Edison's witch lights!
Ned: Homer, you've shown me that I'm guilty of the sin of pride, and that just makes me love you more. (Ned and Jacob hug Homer)
Homer: Oh, God! I'm stuck in a Flandwich!
Ned: With side orders of love and forgiveness!
(Lisa and Laney stop at a roadside inn to sleep)
Laney: Good night, kid.
Lisa: Would you read to me before I go to bed? (Shows a book to Laney)
Laney: Anne of Green Gables!? I did the audiobook on this! If chapter ten sounds like it was Peter Falk, it's because it was.
Lisa: So... I guess you don't want to read it again.
Laney: How about I give you some showbiz advice? Every piece of advice someone gives you will turn out to be wrong. Particularly wrong are people like me who seem knowledgeable. (realizes that Lisa is already asleep) Aw, she's already out. (lies down beside Lisa, but the phone rings)
Moe: You watching Channel Six right now? Hurry up! Hurry up! Aw! Nah, too late. The cops cleaned it up.