- 1 Season 1
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3
- 4 Season 4
- 5 Season 5
- 6 Season 6
- 7 Season 7
- 8 Season 8
- 9 Season 9
- 10 Season 10
- 11 Season 11
- 12 Season 12
- 13 Season 13
- 14 Season 14
- 15 Season 15
- 16 Season 16
- 17 Season 17
- 18 Season 18
- 19 The Simpsons Movie
- 20 Season 19
- 21 Season 20
- 22 Season 21
- 23 Season 22
- 24 Season 23
- 25 Season 24
- 26 Season 25
- 27 Season 26
- 28 Season 27
- 29 Season 28
- 30 Season 29
- 31 Season 30
- 32 Season 31
- 33 In non-Simpsons media
|#||Airdate/Episode Title||Screenshot||Chalkboard Gag/Note|
|1||December 17, 1989
"Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire"
|2||January 14, 1990
"Bart the Genius"
|I will not waste chalk.|
|3||January 21, 1990
|I will not skateboard in the halls.|
|4||January 28, 1990
"There's No Disgrace Like Home"
|I will not burp in class.|
|5||February 4, 1990
"Bart the General"
|6||February 11, 1990
|I will not instigate revolution.|
|7||February 18, 1990
"The Call of the Simpsons"
|I will not draw naked ladies in class.|
|8||February 25, 1990
"The Telltale Head"
|I did not see Elvis.|
This was a reference to a rumor that Elvis Presley was not dead; this gag accidentally appeared during the airport scene in Home Alone.
|9||March 18, 1990
"Life on the Fast Lane"
|10||March 25, 1990
"Homer's Night Out"
|I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".|
|11||April 15, 1990
"The Crepes of Wrath"
|Garlic gum is not funny.|
|12||April 29, 1990
"Krusty Gets Busted"
|They are laughing at me, not with me.|
|13||May 13, 1990
"Some Enchanted Evening"
|I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. This was originally going to be the first chalkboard gag.|
|#||Airdate/Episode Title||Screenshot||Chalkboard Gag/Note|
|14||October 11, 1990
"Bart Gets an "F""
|I will not encourage others to fly.|
|(And during the episode: I will not fake my way through life.)|
|15||October 18, 1990
"Simpson and Delilah"
|Tar is not a plaything.|
|16||October 25, 1990
"Treehouse of Horror"
|17||November 1, 1990
"Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish"
Alternate 1992 rerun version:
|18||November 8, 1990
|I will not trade pants with others.|
|19||November 15, 1990
"Dead Putting Society"
|I am not a 32 year old woman.|
This was originally intended to be the gag for the episode that aired on October 25, 1990, as that was the 33rd birthday of Nancy Cartwright (the actress who voices Bart).
|20||November 22, 1990
"Bart vs. Thanksgiving"
|I will not do that thing with my tongue.|
|21||December 6, 1990
"Bart the Daredevil"
|I will not drive the principal's car.|
|22||December 20, 1990
"Itchy & Scratchy & Marge"
|I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.|
|23||January 10, 1991
"Bart Gets Hit by a Car"
|I will not sell school property.|
|24||January 24, 1991
"One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"
|I will not cut corners.|
This is written only for six lines. The remaining lines are all "ditto" quotation marks. Thus, Bart is actually cutting corners.
|25||January 31, 1991
"The Way We Was"
|I will not get very far with this attitude.|
|26||February 7, 1991
"Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment"
|I will not make flatulent noises in class.|
|27||February 14, 1991
|I will not belch the national anthem.|
|28||February 21, 1991
"Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
|I will not sell land in Florida.|
|29||March 7, 1991
"Bart's Dog Gets an F"
|I will not sell school property.|
Same as Bart Gets Hit by a Car
|30||March 28, 1991
|I will not grease the monkey bars.|
|31||April 11, 1991
"Brush with Greatness"
|I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.|
|32||April 25, 1991
|33||May 2, 1991
"The War of the Simpsons"
|I will not do anything bad ever again.|
|34||May 9, 1991
"Three Men and a Comic Book"
|I will not show off.|
Bart is actually trying to show off, writing it in Blackletter.
|35||July 11, 1991
|I will not sleep through my education.|
|#||Airdate/Episode Title||Screenshot||Chalkboard Gag/Note|
|36||September 19, 1991
"Stark Raving Dad"
|I am not a dentist.|
|37||September 26, 1991
"Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"
|Spitwads are not free speech.|
|38||October 3, 1991
"When Flanders Failed"
|Nobody likes sun burn slappers.|
|39||October 10, 1991
"Bart the Murderer"
|High explosives and school don't mix.|
|Also during the episode: "I will not bribe Principal Skinner".|
|40||October 17, 1991
|I will not squeak chalk.|
Bart makes the chalk squeak as he writes this.
|41||October 24, 1991
"Like Father, Like Clown"
|I will finish what I stay|
Bart only writes one line and doesn't finish, as the text should read: "I will finish what I start".
|42||October 31, 1991
"Treehouse of Horror II"
|43||November 7, 1991
|"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.|
|44||November 14, 1991
"Saturdays of Thunder"
|I will not fake rabies.|
|45||November 21, 1991
|Underwear should be worn on the inside.|
|46||December 5, 1991
"Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"
|The Christmas Pageant does not stink.|
|47||December 26, 1991
"I Married Marge"
|I will not torment the emotionally frail.|
|48||January 9, 1992
|I will not carve gods.|
|49||January 23, 1992
"Lisa the Greek"
|50||February 6, 1992
|I will not spank others.|
|51||February 13, 1992
"Bart the Lover"
|52||February 20, 1992
"Homer at the Bat"
|I will not aim for the head.|
However, in this episode, Homer got hit in the head by a baseball due to getting distracted by Mr. Burns' signing to Homer during a game.
|53||February 27, 1992
|I will not barf unless I'm sick.|
|Also during the episode: I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.|
|54||March 12, 1992
"Dog of Death"
|I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.|
|55||March 26, 1992
|I will not conduct my own fire drills.|
|56||April 9, 1992
|Funny noises are not funny.|
|57||April 23, 1992
"The Otto Show"
|I will not spin the turtle.|
|58||May 7, 1992
"Bart's Friend Falls in Love"
|I will not snap bras.|
|59||August 27, 1992
"Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"
|I will not fake seizures.|
|#||Airdate/Episode Title||Screenshot||Chalkboard Gag/Note|
|60||September 24, 1992
|This punishment is not boring and pointless.|
|61||October 1, 1992
"A Streetcar Named Marge"
|My name is not "Dr. Death".|
|62||October 8, 1992
"Homer the Heretic"
|I will not defame New Orleans.|
This was due to complaints regarding the song, "New Orleans" from the previous episode.
|63||October 15, 1992
"Lisa the Beauty Queen"
|I will not prescribe medication.|
|64||October 29, 1992
"Treehouse of Horror III"
|65||November 3, 1992
"Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie"
|I will not bury the new kid.|
|(And during the episode, Marge writes I will try to raise a better child.)|
|66||November 5, 1992
"Marge Gets a Job"
|I will not teach others to fly.|
|67||November 12, 1992
"New Kid on the Block"
|I will not bring sheep to class.|
|68||November 19, 1992
|A burp is not an answer.|
|69||December 3, 1992
"Lisa's First Word"
|Teacher is not a leper.|
|70||December 17, 1992
"Homer's Triple Bypass"
|Coffee is not for kids.|
Each line becomes less legible and more scrawled, as coffee can sometimes make a person drowsy after a while.
|71||January 14, 1993
"Marge vs. the Monorail"
|I will not eat things for money.|
However, Bart actually ate things for money 21 seasons later in "Diggs".
|72||January 21, 1993
|I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call.|
|73||February 4, 1993
"Brother from the Same Planet"
|The principal's toupée is not a frisbee.|
|74||February 11, 1993
"I Love Lisa"
|I will not call the principal "spud head".|
|75||February 18, 1993
|Goldfish don't bounce.|
|76||March 11, 1993
"Last Exit to Springfield"
|Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.|
|77||April 1, 1993
"So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"
|No one is interested in my underpants.|
|78||April 15, 1993
|I will not sell miracle cures.|
|79||April 29, 1993
|I will return the seeing-eye dog.|
|80||May 6, 1993
"Marge in Chains"
|I do not have diplomatic immunity.|
|81||May 13, 1993
"Krusty Gets Kancelled"
|I will not charge admission to the bathroom.|
|#||Airdate/Episode Title||Screenshot||Chalkboard Gag/Note|
|82||September 30, 1993
Homer's Barbershop Quartet
|I will never win an Emmy.|
In fact, nine Emmy Awards had been won by the show and cast by this episode's airing date.
|83||October 7, 1993
|The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.|
|84||October 14, 1993
Homer Goes to College
|85||October 21, 1993
|86||October 28, 1993
Treehouse of Horror IV
|87||November 4, 1993
Marge on the Lam
|88||November 11, 1993
Bart's Inner Child
|89||November 18, 1993
Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood
|90||December 9, 1993
The Last Temptation of Homer
|All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.|
|91||December 16, 1993
$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)
|I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.|
However, it actually happens later in Trash of the Titans.
|92||January 6, 1994
Homer the Vigilante
|I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.|
|93||February 3, 1994
Bart Gets Famous
|My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.|
|94||February 10, 1994
Homer and Apu
|I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.|
|95||February 17, 1994
Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
|96||February 24, 1994
Deep Space Homer
|97||March 17, 1994
Homer Loves Flanders
|I am not delightfully saucy.|
|98||March 31, 1994
Bart Gets an Elephant
|Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.|
|99||April 14, 1994
|The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".|
|100||April 28, 1994
Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song
|I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.|
In fact, this was the 100th episode of The Simpsons as a whole.
|101||May 5, 1994
The Boy Who Knew Too Much
|There are plenty of businesses like show business.|
|102||May 12, 1994
Lady Bouvier's Lover
|I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.|
|103||May 19, 1994
Secrets of a Successful Marriage
|Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.|
|104||September 4, 1994||Beans are neither fruit nor musical.
(This takes us back to "Whacking Day")
|Bart of Darkness|
|105||September 11, 1994||No one is interested in my underpants.
(same as episode 77)
|106||September 25, 1994||I will not use abbrev.
(However, Bart does abbreviate the word "Abbreviations", writing it as "abbrev".)
|Another Simpsons Clip Show|
|107||October 2, 1994||I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.||Itchy & Scratchy Land|
|108||October 9, 1994||no gag||Sideshow Bob Roberts|
|109||October 30, 1994||no gag||Treehouse of Horror V|
|110||November 6, 1994||I will not send lard through the mail.||Bart's Girlfriend|
|111||November 13, 1994||I will not dissect things unless instructed.||Lisa on Ice|
|112||November 27, 1994||I will not whittle hall passes out of soap.||Homer Badman|
|113||December 4, 1994||My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
(same as Bart Gets Famous)
|Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy|
|114||December 18, 1994||Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.||Fear of Flying|
|115||January 8, 1995||Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal.||Homer the Great|
|116||January 22, 1995||"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice.||And Maggie Makes Three|
|117||February 5, 1995||Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.
(Bart would later make the same confusion about cursive in You Only Move Twice )
|118||February 12, 1995||Next time it could be me on the scaffolding.||Homie the Clown|
|119||February 19, 1995||I will not hang donuts on my person.
("my person" refers to the fact that Bart probably hanged donuts on himself)
|Bart vs. Australia|
|120||February 26, 1995||I will remember to take my medication.||Homer vs. Patty and Selma|
|121||March 5, 1995||no gag||A Star is Burns|
|122||March 19, 1995||.||I will not strut around like I own the place.||Lisa's Wedding|
|123||April 9, 1995||The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.||Two Dozen and One Greyhounds|
|124||April 16, 1995||I do not have power of attorney over first graders.||The PTA Disbands|
|125||April 30, 1995||Nerve gas is not a toy.||'Round Springfield|
|126||May 7, 1995||I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface.||The Springfield Connection|
|127||May 14, 1995||The First Amendment does not cover burping.||Lemon of Troy|
|128||May 21, 1995||This is not a clue... or is it?
(Also seen in The Simpsons Road Rage)
|Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)|
|129||September 17, 1995||I will not complain about the solution when I hear it.||Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)|
|130||September 24, 1995||"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism.||Radioactive Man|
|131||October 1, 1995||No one wants to hear from my armpits.||Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily|
|132||October 8, 1995||I am not a lean mean spitting machine.||Bart Sells His Soul|
|133||October 15, 1995||The boys' room is not a water park.||Lisa the Vegetarian|
|134||October 29, 1995||no gag||Treehouse of Horror VI|
|135||November 5, 1995||Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.||King-Size Homer|
|136||November 19, 1995||no gag||Mother Simpson|
|137||November 26, 1995||Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.||Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming|
|138||December 3, 1995||I will only do this once a year.
("The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular" is a clip show)
|The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular|
|139||December 17, 1995||I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.||Marge Be Not Proud|
|140||January 7, 1996||I am not certified to remove asbestos.||Team Homer|
|141||January 14, 1996||no gag||Two Bad Neighbors|
|142||February 4, 1996||no gag||Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield|
|143||February 11, 1996||no gag||Bart the Fink|
|144||February 18, 1996||no gag||Lisa the Iconoclast|
|145||February 25, 1996||no gag||Homer the Smithers|
|146||March 17, 1996||no gag||The Day the Violence Died|
|147||March 24, 1996||no gag||A Fish Called Selma|
|148||March 31, 1996||no gag||Bart on the Road|
|149||April 14, 1996||no gag||22 Short Films About Springfield|
|150||April 28, 1996||no gag||Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"|
|151||May 5, 1996||no gag||Much Apu About Nothing|
|152||May 19, 1996||no gag||Homerpalooza|
|153||May 19, 1996||no gag||Summer of 4 Ft. 2|
|154||October 27, 1996||no gag||Treehouse of Horror VII|
|155||November 3, 1996||I did not learn everything I need to know from kindergarten.(Also appears in episode 176)||You Only Move Twice|
|156||November 10, 1996||I am not my long-lost twin.||The Homer They Fall|
|157||November 17, 1996||no gag||Burns, Baby Burns|
|158||November 24, 1996||no gag||Bart After Dark|
|159||December 1, 1996||no gag||A Milhouse Divided|
|160||December 15, 1996||no gag
(But during the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." She then asks herself, "How does Bart do this every week?")
|Lisa's Date with Density|
|161||December 29, 1996||no gag||Hurricane Neddy|
|162||January 5, 1997||no gag||El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)|
|163||January 12, 1997||The truth is not out there.
("The Springfield Files" is an episode parodying X-Files, and this gag is one of the references to it)
|The Springfield Files|
|164||January 19, 1997||I am not licensed to do anything.
(James Bond reference)
|The Twisted World of Marge Simpson|
|165||February 2, 1997||no gag||Mountain of Madness|
|166||February 7, 1997||I will not hide the teacher's Prozac.||Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious|
|167||February 9, 1997||no gag||The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show|
|168||February 16, 1997||no gag||Homer's Phobia|
|169||February 23, 1997||no gag||Brother from Another Series|
|170||March 2, 1997||no gag||My Sister, My Sitter|
|171||March 16, 1997||no gag||Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment|
|172||April 6, 1997||no gag||Grade School Confidential|
|173||April 13, 1997||A fire drill does not demand a fire.||The Canine Mutiny|
|174||April 20, 1997||no gag||The Old Man and the Lisa|
|175||April 27, 1997||no gag||In Marge We Trust|
|176||May 4, 1997||I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten.||Homer's Enemy|
|177||May 11, 1997||no gag||The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase|
|178||May 18, 1997||no gag||The Secret War of Lisa Simpson|
|179||September 21, 1997||no gag||The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson|
|180||September 28, 1997||no gag||The Principal and the Pauper|
|181||October 19, 1997||I no longer want my MTV.
(reference to the lyrics of the Dire Straits song Money for Nothing (song), and a possible jab at MTV's declining quality due to lack of music videos and music-related programming)
|182||October 26, 1997||no gag||Treehouse of Horror VIII|
|183||November 2, 1997||Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story.||The Cartridge Family|
|184||November 9, 1997||I did not invent Irish dancing.||Bart Star|
|185||November 16, 1997||no gag||The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons|
|186||November 23, 1997||I will not tease Fatty.||Lisa the Skeptic|
|187||December 7, 1997||There was no Roman god named "Fartacus".||Realty Bites|
|188||December 21, 1997||Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related.||Miracle on Evergreen Terrace|
|189||January 4, 1998||no gag||All Singing, All Dancing|
|190||January 11, 1998||no gag||Bart Carny|
|191||February 8, 1998||Shooting paintballs is not an art form.||The Joy of Sect|
|192||February 15, 1998||no gag||Das Bus|
|193||February 22, 1998||Pain is not the cleanser.
(However, Ned Flanders shouted "Pain is the cleanser!" as he yanked his mustache 7 seasons later in Home Away from Homer)
|The Last Temptation of Krust|
|194||March 1, 1998||Silly string is not a nasal spray.||Dumbbell Indemnity|
|195||March 8, 1998||no gag||Lisa the Simpson|
|196||March 22, 1998||I was told not to do this.||This Little Wiggy|
|197||March 29, 1998||My butt does not deserve a website.||Simpson Tide|
|198||April 5, 1998||I will not demand what I'm worth.
(This is a reference to "The Voice" cast's recent demands for higher pay)
|The Trouble with Trillions|
|199||April 19, 1998||no gag||Girly Edition|
|200||April 26, 1998||I will not mess with the opening credits.
(This was actually the couch gag for this episode; the rest of the family runs into the classroom to find Bart already there writing on the board)
|Trash of the Titans|
|201||May 3, 1998||no gag||King of the Hill|
|202||May 10, 1998||I am not the new Dalai Lama.||Lost Our Lisa|
|203||May 17, 1998||I was not the inspiration for "Kramer."
(This episode aired three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld")
|Natural Born Kissers|
|204||August 23, 1998||no gag||Lard of the Dance|
|205||September 20, 1998||I will not file frivolous lawsuits.||The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace|
|206||September 27, 1998||no gag||Bart the Mother|
|207||October 25, 1998||The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
(This is written in blood with a paintbrush)
|Treehouse of Horror IX|
|208||November 8, 1998||"butt.com" is not my e-mail address.
(This was changed to "butt.butt" in later airings since butt.com was revealed to be a real website; Butt.com still appeared in non-US airings, however)
|When You Dish Upon a Star|
|209||November 15, 1998||No one cares what my definition of "is" is.||D'oh-in' in the Wind|
|210||November 22, 1998||I will not scream for ice cream.||Lisa Gets an "A"|
|211||December 6, 1998||I am not a licensed hairstylist.||Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"|
|212||December 20, 1998||"The President did it" is not an excuse.
(This aired a day after impeachment proceedings started against Bill Clinton)
|Mayored to the Mob|
|213||January 10, 1999||My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld.||Viva Ned Flanders|
|214||January 17, 1999||Sherri does not "got back".||Wild Barts Can't Be Broken|
|215||January 31, 1999||I will not do "the dirty bird."
(This episode aired the night of Super Bowl XXXIII, in which the Atlanta Falcons, for whom "The Dirty Bird" was a signature dance/celebration, played)
|Sunday, Cruddy Sunday|
|216||February 7, 1999||No one wants to hear about my sciatica.||Homer to the Max|
|217||February 14, 1999||Hillbillies are people too.||I'm with Cupid|
|218||February 21, 1999||Grammar is not a time of waste.||Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"|
|219||February 28, 1999||I do not have diplomatic immunity. (Same as 9F20)||Make Room for Lisa|
|220||March 28, 1999||It does not suck to be you.
(Reference to a Prozzäk song)
|221||April 4, 1999||I cannot absolve sins.
(And during the episode in Lisa's dream, Bart carves "I will not deface." in hieroglyphics. (actually "Eye well knot d-face"))
|Simpsons Bible Stories|
|222||April 11, 1999||A trained ape could not teach gym.||Mom and Pop Art|
|223||April 25, 1999||Loose teeth don't need my help.||The Old Man and the "C" Student|
|224||May 2, 1999||I have neither been there nor done that.||Monty Can't Buy Me Love|
|225||May 9, 1999||No one wants to hear from my armpits.
(Same as Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
|They Saved Lisa's Brain|
|226||May 16, 1999||I'm so very tired. (At this point, Bart had been doing these gags for ten seasons)||Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo|
|227||September 26, 1999||Fridays are not "pants optional".
(In Australia, Hamish and Andy (a comedy duo) have decided that Friday should be pants off Friday)
|228||October 3, 1999||Pork is not a verb.
(the irony is that "pork" is a verb, albeit a vulgar slang term, meaning "to have sexual intercourse with")
|Brother's Little Helper|
|229||October 24, 1999||I am not the last Don. (possible reference to the 1997 TV minseries of the same name, which starred Joe Mantegna, the voice of Fat Tony)||Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?|
|230||October 31, 1999||no gag||Treehouse of Horror X|
|231||November 7, 1999||I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize.||E-I-E-I-D'oh|
|232||November 14, 1999||I won't not use no double negatives.
(since three negatives are used, so the sentence is true)
|Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder|
|233||November 21, 1999||Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
(same as King-Size Homer)
|234||November 28, 1999||I can't see dead people. (The Sixth Sense reference) (However, in Flanders' Ladder, He is able to receive visits from ghosts in a coma)||Take My Wife, Sleaze|
|235||December 19, 1999||I will not sell my kidney on eBay.
(this is impossible now, since eBay prohibits the sale of organs)
(and during the episode, Lisa writes I will not do math in class.)
|Grift of the Magi|
|236||January 9, 2000||I will not create art from dung.||Little Big Mom|
|237||January 16, 2000||I will stop phoning it in.||Faith Off|
|238||January 23, 2000||Class clown is not a paid position.||The Mansion Family|
|239||February 6, 2000||Substitute teachers are not scabs.||Saddlesore Galactica|
|240||February 13, 2000||My suspension was not "mutual".||Alone Again, Natura-Diddily|
|241||February 20, 2000||A belch is not an oral report.||Missionary: Impossible|
|242||February 27, 2000||Dodgeball stops at the gym door.||Pygmoelian|
|243||March 19, 2000||Non-flammable is not a challenge.||Bart to the Future|
|244||April 9, 2000||I was not touched "there" by an angel.||Days of Wine and D'oh'ses|
|245||April 30, 2000||I am not here on a fartball scholarship.||Kill the Alligator and Run|
|246||May 7, 2000||I will not dance on anyone's grave.||Last Tap Dance in Springfield|
|247||May 14, 2000||I cannot hire a substitute student.||It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge|
|248||May 21, 2000||I will not obey the voices in my head.||Behind the Laughter|
|249||November 1, 2000||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XI|
|250||November 5, 2000||I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.
(aired two days before the 2000 U.S. presidential election)
|A Tale of Two Springfields|
|251||November 12, 2000||I will not surprise the incontinent.||Insane Clown Poppy|
|252||November 19, 2000||I am not the acting president.
(aired during the legal contest over the results of the 2000 presidential election)
|Lisa the Tree Hugger|
|253||November 26, 2000||I was not the sixth Beatle.||Homer vs. Dignity|
|254||December 3, 2000||I will only provide a urine sample when asked.||The Computer Wore Menace Shoes|
|255||December 10, 2000||The nurse is not dealing.||The Great Money Caper|
|256||December 17, 2000||Science class should not end in tragedy.
(And during the episode, Skinner writes I ain't not a dorkus.)
|Skinner's Sense of Snow|
|257||January 7, 2001||Network TV is not dead.||HOMЯ|
|258||January 14, 2001||I will not "let the dogs out". (reference to Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out")||Pokey Mom|
|259||February 4, 2001||I will not hide the teacher's medication.||Worst Episode Ever|
|260||February 11, 2001||I will not publish the principal's credit report.||Tennis the Menace|
|261||February 18, 2001||The hamster did not have a "full life".||Day of the Jackanapes|
|262||February 25, 2001||I will not buy a presidential pardon.
(Reference to the Bill Clinton pardons controversy, involving 140 pardons he issued on his last day in office)
|New Kids on the Blecch|
|263||March 4, 2001||"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap.||Hungry, Hungry Homer|
|264||March 11, 2001||I will not scare the vice president.
(reference to VP Cheney's heart condition)
|Bye Bye Nerdie|
|265||April 1, 2001||I will not flush evidence.||Simpson Safari|
|266||April 29, 2001||Fire is not the cleanser.||Trilogy of Error|
|267||May 6, 2001||Genetics is not an excuse.||I'm Goin' to Praiseland|
|268||May 13, 2001||Today is not Mothra's Day.
(this episode aired on Mother's Day)
|Children of a Lesser Clod|
|269||May 20, 2001||I should not be twenty-one by now.
(reference to the fact that Bart has been the age of ten for over eleven years)
|Simpsons Tall Tales|
|270||November 6, 2001||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XII|
|271||November 11, 2001||Nobody reads these anymore.||The Parent Rap|
|272||November 18, 2001||A burp in a jar is not a science project.||Homer the Moe|
|273||December 2, 2001||Fun does not have a size.||A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love|
|274||December 9, 2001||I am not Charlie Brown on acid. (reference to how critics described "South Park")||The Blunder Years|
|275||December 16, 2001||I do not have a cereal named after me.||She of Little Faith|
|276||January 6, 2002||no gag||Brawl in the Family|
|277||January 20, 2002||no gag||Sweets and Sour Marge|
|278||January 27, 2002||no gag||Jaws Wired Shut|
|279||February 10, 2002||I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers. (reference to his Butterfinger commercials and how, after a blatant jab two episodes earlier, the ads had been canceled)||Half-Decent Proposal|
|280||February 17, 2002||The Giving Tree is not a chump.||The Bart Wants What It Wants|
|281||February 24, 2002||Making Milhouse cry is not a science project.||The Lastest Gun in the West|
|282||March 10, 2002||no gag||The Old Man and the Key|
|283||March 17, 2002||Vampire is not a career choice.||Tales from the Public Domain|
|284||March 31, 2002||no gag||Blame It on Lisa|
|285||April 7, 2002||no gag||Weekend at Burnsie's|
|286||April 21, 2002||no gag||Gump Roast|
|287||April 28, 2002||no gag||I Am Furious (Yellow)|
|288||May 5, 2002||I will never lie about being cancelled again. (reference to Matt Groening spreading a rumor that The Simpsons was going to end its run after this season)||The Sweetest Apu|
|289||May 12, 2002||no gag||Little Girl in the Big Ten|
|290||November 3, 2002||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XIII|
|291||November 10, 2002||no gag||How I Spent My Strummer Vacation|
|292||November 17, 2002||Fish do not like coffee.||Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade|
|293||November 24, 2002||no gag||Large Marge|
|294||December 1, 2002||Milhouse did not test cootie positive.||Helter Shelter|
|295||December 15, 2002||no gag||The Great Louse Detective|
|296||January 5, 2003||no gag||Special Edna|
|297||January 12, 2003||no gag||The Dad Who Knew Too Little|
|298||February 2, 2003||This school does not need a "regime change".
(reference to the then-upcoming War In Iraq)
|The Strong Arms of the Ma|
|299||February 9, 2003||SpongeBob
is not a contraceptive.
|300||February 16, 2003||I will not (Bart then destroys the chalkboard with an axe and runs out the school laughing)||Barting Over|
|301||February 16, 2003||no gag||I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can|
|302||March 2, 2003||no gag||A Star Is Born-Again|
|303||March 9, 2003||no gag||Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington|
|304||March 16, 2003||no gag||C.E. D'oh|
|305||March 30, 2003||no gag||'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky|
|306||April 13, 2003||no gag||Three Gays of the Condo|
|307||April 27, 2003||no gag||Dude, Where's My Ranch?|
|308||May 4, 2003||My pen is not a booger launcher.||Old Yeller-Belly|
|309||May 11, 2003||no gag||Brake My Wife, Please|
|310||May 18, 2003||Sandwiches should not contain sand.||The Bart of War|
|311||May 18, 2003||no gag||Moe Baby Blues|
|312||May 19, 2003||no gag||The Frying Game|
|313||May 22, 2003||no gag||Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge|
|314||November 2, 2003||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XIV|
|315||November 9, 2003||no gag||My Mother the Carjacker|
|316||November 16, 2003||no gag||The President Wore Pearls|
|317||November 23, 2003||no gag||The Regina Monologues|
|318||November 30, 2003||no gag||The Fat and the Furriest|
|319||December 7, 2003||Over forty & single is not funny.||Today, I Am a Clown|
|320||December 14, 2003||no gag||'Tis the Fifteenth Season|
|321||January 4, 2004||no gag||Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays|
|322||January 11, 2004||no gag||I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot|
|323||January 25, 2004||no gag||Diatribe of a Mad Housewife|
|324||February 8, 2004||no gag||Margical History Tour|
|325||February 15, 2004||no gag||Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore|
|326||February 22, 2004||no gag||Smart and Smarter|
|327||March 14, 2004||I will not speculate on how hot my teacher used to be.||The Ziff Who Came to Dinner|
|328||March 21, 2004||no gag||Co-Dependent's Day|
|329||March 28, 2004||no gag||The Wandering Juvie|
|330||April 18, 2004||no gag||My Big Fat Geek Wedding|
|331||April 25, 2004||no gag||Catch 'Em if You Can|
|332||May 2, 2004||no gag||Simple Simpson|
|333||May 9, 2004||no gag||The Way We Weren't|
|334||May 16, 2004||no gag||Bart-Mangled Banner|
|335||May 23, 2004||no gag||Fraudcast News|
|336||November 7, 2004||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XV|
|337||November 14, 2004||no gag||All's Fair in Oven War|
|338||November 21, 2004||no gag||Sleeping with the Enemy|
|339||December 5, 2004||Poking a dead raccoon is not research.||She Used to Be My Girl|
|340||December 12, 2004||no gag||Fat Man and Little Boy|
|341||January 16, 2005||no gag||Midnight Rx|
|342||January 30, 2005||no gag||Mommie Beerest|
|343||February 6, 2005||no gag||Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass|
|344||February 13, 2005||no gag||Pranksta Rap|
|345||February 20, 2005||no gag||There's Something About Marrying|
|346||March 6, 2005||Beer in a milk carton is not milk.||On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister|
|347||March 13, 2005||no gag||Goo Goo Gai Pan|
|348||March 20, 2005||no gag||Mobile Homer|
|349||April 3, 2005||no gag||The Seven-Beer Snitch|
|350||April 17, 2005||no gag||Don't Fear the Roofer|
|351||May 1, 2005||no gag||Future-Drama|
|352||May 1, 2005||no gag
(However, during the episode, the chalkboard gag is replaced with Bart buying snacks from the vending machine)
|The Heartbroke Kid|
|353||May 8, 2005||no gag||A Star is Torn|
|354||May 8, 2005||no gag||Thank God It's Doomsday|
|355||May 15, 2005||A booger is not a bookmark.||Home Away from Homer|
|356||May 15, 2005||no gag||The Father, the Son and the Holy Guest Star|
|357||September 11, 2005||Does any kid still do this anymore?
(refers to the diminishing frequency of the chalkboard gag, as well as the real-life punishment)
|The Bonfire of the Manatees|
|358||September 18, 2005||no gag||The Girl Who Slept Too Little|
|359||September 25, 2005||no gag||Milhouse of Sand and Fog|
|360||November 6, 2005||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XVI|
|361||November 13, 2005||no gag||Marge's Son Poisoning|
|362||November 20, 2005||no gag||See Homer Run|
|363||November 27, 2005||no gag||The Last of the Red Hat Mamas|
|364||December 11, 2005||no gag||The Italian Bob|
|365||December 18, 2005||no gag||Simpsons Christmas Stories|
|366||January 8, 2006||I am not smarter than the president.||Homer's Paternity Coot|
|367||January 29, 2006||Teacher
was not dumped—it was mutual.
|We're on the Road to D'oh-where|
|368||February 26, 2006||no gag||My Fair Laddy|
|369||March 12, 2006||no gag||The Seemingly Never-Ending Story|
|370||March 19, 2006||no gag||Bart Has Two Mommies|
|371||March 26, 2006||I will not laminate dog doo.
(The first airing of this episode included a special live action opening that has I will not eat things for money)
|Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife|
|372||April 2, 2006||I will not flip the classroom upside down.
(the classroom is flipped upside down)
|Million Dollar Abie|
|373||April 9, 2006||no gag||Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore|
|374||April 23, 2006||no gag||The Wettest Stories Ever Told|
|375||April 30, 2006||no gag||Girls Just Want to Have Sums|
|376||May 7, 2006||I will not leak the plot of the movie.||Regarding Margie|
|377||May 14, 2006||Je ne parle pas français. ("I do not speak French.")
(However, Bart does in fact learn to speak French in The Crepes of Wrath)
|The Monkey Suit|
|378||May 21, 2006||Have a great summer, everyone.
(last episode of the season)
|Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play|
|379||September 10, 2006||no gag||The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer|
|380||September 17, 2006||no gag||Jazzy and the Pussycats|
|381||September 24, 2006||no gag
(But during the episode, Skinner writes A baby beat me up. when Bart begins torturing Skinner by taking advantage of his peanut allergy)
|Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em|
|382||November 5, 2006||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XVII|
|383||November 12, 2006||We are not all naked under our clothes.||G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)|
|384||November 19, 2006||no gag||Moe'N'a Lisa|
|385||November 26, 2006||no gag||Ice Cream of Margie (with the Light Blue Hair)|
|386||December 10, 2006||no gag||The Haw-Hawed Couple|
|387||December 17, 2006||Frankincense is not a monster.||Kill Gil, Volumes I & II|
|388||January 7, 2007||no gag||The Wife Aquatic|
|389||January 28, 2007||no gag||Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times|
|390||February 11, 2007||no gag
(But during the episode, Bart writes So long suckers.)
|Little Big Girl|
|391||February 18, 2007||no gag||Springfield Up|
|392||March 4, 2007||no gag||Yokel Chords|
|393||March 11, 2007||no gag||Rome-Old and Julie-Eh|
|394||March 25, 2007||Global warming did not eat my homework.||Homerazzi|
|395||April 22, 2007||no gag||Marge Gamer|
|396||April 29, 2007||no gag||The Boys of Bummer|
|397||May 6, 2007||I will not look up what teacher makes.||Crook and Ladder|
|398||May 13, 2007||Pearls are not oyster barf.||Stop or My Dog Will Shoot!|
|399||May 20, 2007||no gag (special 24-style opening)||24 Minutes|
|400||May 20, 2007||no gag
(normal opening replaced with a black screen that has "20 years ago", followed by a full showing of the Tracy Ullman Show short Family Portrait)
|You Kent Always Say What You Want|
|1||July 27, 2007||I will not illegally download this movie.||The Simpsons Movie|
|401||September 23, 2007||I will not wait 20 years to make another movie.
(This is a reference to a possibility of another Simpsons feature film being in development hell)
|He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs|
|402||September 30, 2007||The Wall Street Journal is better than ever.||The Homer of Seville|
|403||October 7, 2007||no gag||Midnight Towboy|
|404||October 14, 2007||I am not an FDIC-insured bank.||I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings|
|405||November 4, 2007||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XVIII|
|406||November 11, 2007||There is no such thing as an iPoddy.
(this episode has some added laughing from Bart while he runs out of the classroom)
|Little Orphan Millie|
|407||November 18, 2007||The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens.||Husbands and Knives|
|408||November 25, 2007||no gag||Funeral for a Fiend|
|409||December 16, 2007||The capital of Montana is not "Hannah".
(Reference to the hit Disney Channel show Hannah Montana)
|Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind|
|410||January 6, 2008||Teacher
did not pay too much for her condo.
|E. Pluribus Wiggum|
|411||January 27, 2008||no gag||That '90s Show|
|412||February 17, 2008||no gag||Love, Springfieldian Style|
|413||March 2, 2008||The art teacher is fat, not pregnant.||The Debarted|
|414||March 9, 2008||no gag||Dial "N" for Nerder|
|415||March 30, 2008||no gag||Smoke on the Daughter|
|416||April 13, 2008||no gag||Papa Don't Leech|
|417||April 27, 2008||A person's a person, no matter how Ralph.
(This parodies the quote "A person's a person, no matter how small" from Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!)
|418||May 4, 2008||no gag||Any Given Sundance|
|419||May 11, 2008||This punishment is not medieval.
(in a medieval writing style)
|420||May 18, 2008||no gag||All About Lisa|
|421||September 28, 2008||no gag||Sex, Pies, and Idiot Scrapes|
|422||October 5, 2008||Teacher's diet is working.||Lost Verizon|
|423||October 19, 2008||There is no such month as Rocktober.||Double, Double, Boy in Trouble|
|424||November 2, 2008||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XIX|
|425||November 9, 2008||I did not see my teacher siphoning gas.||Dangerous Curves|
|426||November 16, 2008||no gag||Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words|
|427||November 30, 2008||Prosperity is just around the corner.
(And in the couch gag, Bart writes I will not bring the chalkboard home.)
|Mypods and Boomsticks|
|428||December 7, 2008||Jesus
is not mad his birthday is on Christmas.
|The Burns and the Bees|
|429||January 25, 2009||I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard.
(Last chalkboard gag to be in 4:3 standard definition)
|Lisa the Drama Queen|
|430||February 15, 2009||HDTV is worth every cent.
(First chalkboard gag to be in 16:9 high definition)
|Take My Life, Please|
|431||March 1, 2009||"March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school.||How the Test Was Won|
|432||March 8, 2009||I will not have fun with educational toys.||No Loan Again, Naturally|
|433||March 15, 2009||No gag||Gone Maggie Gone|
|434||March 22, 2009||Four leaf clovers are not mutant freaks.||In the Name of the Grandfather|
|435||March 29, 2009||My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds.||Wedding for Disaster|
|436||April 5, 2009||No gag||Eeny Teeny Maya, Moe|
|437||April 19, 2009||I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone.||The Good, the Sad and the Drugly|
|438||April 26, 2009||I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy.||Father Knows Worst|
|439||May 3, 2009||no gag||Waverly Hills, 9-0-2-1-D'oh|
|440||May 10, 2009||no gag||Four Great Women and a Manicure|
|441||May 17, 2009||It's 'Facebook', not 'Assbook'.||Coming to Homerica|
|442||September 27, 2009||The class hamster isn't just sleeping.||Homer the Whopper|
|443||October 4, 2009||Chalkboarding is not torture.||Bart Gets a 'Z'|
|444||October 11, 2009||I am not allergic to long division.||The Great Wife Hope|
|445||October 18, 2009||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XX|
|446||November 15, 2009||I do not have the hots for my mom. (this would be considered incest, and is most likely referring to (and referencing) the episode Tennis the Menace).||The Devil Wears Nada|
|447||November 22, 2009||Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass.||Pranks and Greens|
|448||November 29, 2009||Teachers' unions are not ruining this country.||Rednecks and Broomsticks|
|449||December 13, 2009||no gag||O Brother, Where Bart Thou?|
|450||January 3, 2010||no gag||Thursdays with Abie|
|451||January 10, 2010||The world may end in 2012, but this show won't.||Once Upon a Time in Springfield|
|452||January 31, 2010||no gag||Million Dollar Maybe|
|453||February 14, 2010||no gag||Boy Meets Curl|
|454||February 21, 2010||no gag||The Color Yellow|
|455||March 14, 2010||no gag||Postcards From the Wedge|
|456||March 21, 2010||World War II could not beat up World War I.||Stealing First Base|
|457||March 28, 2010||no gag||The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed|
|458||April 11, 2010||Hot dogs are not bookmarks.||American History X-cellent|
|459||April 18, 2010||This counts as gym and art class.||Chief of Hearts|
|460||April 25, 2010||Original airing: South Park, we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared.
(reference to the South Park creators having death threats)
Online version: Je ne suis pas français (I am not French)
|The Squirt and the Whale|
|461||May 2, 2010||no gag||To Surveil With Love|
|462||May 9, 2010||Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present.||Moe Letter Blues|
|463||May 16, 2010||Batman is not 'nothing' without his utility belt.||The Bob Next Door|
|464||May 23, 2010||End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us.||Judge Me Tender|
|465||September 26, 2010||When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio. (reference to Inception)||Elementary School Musical|
|466||October 3, 2010||I did not see teacher applying for welfare.||Loan-a Lisa|
|467||October 10, 2010||I must not write all over the walls.
(Bart wrote all over the classroom)
|468||November 7, 2010||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXI|
|469||November 14, 2010||no gag||Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life|
|470||November 21, 2010||no gag||The Fool Monty|
|471||November 28, 2010||A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is as good as A Charlie Brown Christmas.||How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window?|
|472||December 5, 2010||no gag||The Fight Before Christmas|
|473||December 12, 2010||Candy canes are not elf bones.||Donnie Fatso|
|474||January 9, 2011||January is not Bart History Month.||Moms I'd Like to Forget|
|475||January 16, 2011||no gag||Flaming Moe|
|476||January 23, 2011||Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King.||Homer the Father|
|477||February 13, 2011||I will not make fun of Cupid's dink.||The Blue and the Gray|
|478||February 20, 2011||no gag||Angry Dad: The Movie|
|479||March 6, 2011||I'm not here on a Spitball scholar.||The Scorpion's Tale|
|480||March 13, 2011||"Daylight Savings” is not a failed bank.||A Midsummer's Nice Dream|
|481||March 27, 2011||I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket.||Love is a Many Strangled Thing|
|482||April 10, 2011||no gag||The Great Simpsina|
|483||May 1, 2011||no gag||The Real Housewives of Fat Tony|
|484||May 8, 2011||I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother".||Homer Scissorhands|
|485||May 15, 2011||Guinea pigs should not be used as "Guinea Pigs".
(on Hulu, it's It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall., which references to the said guest star's name being incorrectly spelled in the end credits in the previous episode)
|486||May 22, 2011||no gag||The Ned-liest Catch|
|487||September 25, 2011||no gag||The Falcon and the D'ohman|
|488||October 2, 2011||It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election.||Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts|
|489||October 30, 2011||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXII|
|490||November 6, 2011||It's November 6th -- How come we're not airing a Halloween show?
(reference to the Treehouse of Horror series, which usually airs after Halloween)
|491||November 13, 2011||no gag||The Food Wife|
|492||November 20, 2011||no gag||The Book Job|
|493||November 27, 2011||no gag||The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants|
|494||December 4, 2011||"Caucus" is not a dirty word.||The Ten-Per-Cent Solution|
|495||December 11, 2011||Cafeteria trays are not toboggans.||Holidays of Future Passed|
|496||January 8, 2012||Tintin did not suck suck.||Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson|
|497||January 15, 2012||We do need no education.||The D'oh-cial Network|
|498||January 29, 2012||There's no proven link between raisins and boogers.||Moe Goes from Rags to Riches|
|499||February 12, 2012||I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart.||The Daughter Also Rises|
|500||February 19, 2012||Bart's earned a day off.
(written by Milhouse)
(and during the episode, Bart spray-paints I *Heart* the breakdown of society., and leaves with a motorcycle instead of a skateboard)
|At Long Last Leave|
|501||March 4, 2012||no gag||Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart|
|502||March 11, 2012||no gag||How I Wet Your Mother|
|503||March 18, 2012||no gag||Them, Robot|
|504||April 15, 2012||The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours.||Beware My Cheating Bart|
|505||April 29, 2012||no gag||A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again|
|506||May 6, 2012||no gag||The Spy Who Learned Me|
|507||May 13, 2012||Call your mother during the commercials.||Ned 'N Edna's Blend|
|508||May 20, 2012||no gag||Lisa Goes Gaga|
|509||September 30, 2012||I will not wear white after Labor Day.
(Bart is actually wearing the white suit)
|510||October 7, 2012||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXIII|
|511||November 4, 2012||no gag||Adventures in Baby-Getting|
|512||November 11, 2012||I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission.
(reference to Rove's panicked appearance on Fox News Channel's preceding election night coverage following the re-election of President Obama)
|Gone Abie Gone|
|513||November 18, 2012||I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in.
(another joke about that Springfield city is almost in every state)
|514||November 25, 2012||20 more shoplifting days till Christmas.||A Tree Grows in Springfield|
|515||December 9, 2012||no gag||The Day the Earth Stood Cool|
|516||December 16,2012||no gag||To Cur, with Love|
|517||January 6, 2013||The teacher did not get fat during the holidays.||Homer Goes to Prep School|
|518||January 13,2013||I will obey Oscar campaign rules from now on.||A Test Before Trying|
|519||January 27,2013||no gag||Changing of the Guardian|
|520||February 10,2013||I wasn't nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word".||Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing|
|521||February 17, 2013||I will not tweet as the principal's toilet.||Hardly Kirk-ing|
|522||March 3, 2013||no gag||Gorgeous Grampa|
|523||March 10, 2013||I'm sorry I broke the blackboard.
(written on a whiteboard)
|524||March 17, 2013||Jesus' last words were not 'TGIF'.||Dark Knight Court|
|525||April 14, 2013||no gag||What Animated Women Want|
|526||April 28, 2013||no gag||Pulpit Friction|
|527||May 5, 2013||no gag||Whiskey Business|
|528||May 12, 2013||This school is not falling apart.
(the blackboard collapses as Bart leaves)
|The Fabulous Faker Boy|
|529||May 19, 2013||no gag||The Saga of Carl|
|530||May 19, 2013||no gag||Dangers on a Train|
|531||September 29, 2013||
25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment.
(possibly a reference to that there has been 25 years of chalkboard gags)
|532||October 6, 2013||All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.||Treehouse of Horror XXIV|
|533||November 3, 2013||We'll really miss you, Mrs. K.
(written only once and Bart is sad; a reference to Mrs. Krabappel's voice actress, Marcia Wallace, passing away nine days before this episode aired)
|Four Regrettings and a Funeral|
|534||November 10, 2013||My school schedule does not include a bye week.
During the episode: I will not drop a stitch
|535||November 17, 2013||Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember.||Labor Pains|
|536||November 24, 2013||no gag||The Kid is All Right|
|537||December 8, 2013||I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom.||Yellow Subterfuge|
|538||December 15, 2013||I will not call my teacher 'Prancer' and 'Vixen'.||White Christmas Blues|
|539||January 5, 2014||no gag||Steal This Episode|
|540||January 12, 2014||Judas Priest is not 'death metal'.
(On premiere; later airings have If you haven't broken your Christmas presents yet, you're not trying.)
|Married to the Blob|
|541||January 26, 2014||no gag||Specs and the City|
|542||March 9, 2014||No gag, instead a bracket-style tournament of characters with Homer and Jasper Beardly in the finals||Diggs|
|543||March 9, 2014||no gag||The Man Who Grew Too Much|
|544||March 16, 2014||My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's.||The Winter of His Content|
|545||March 23, 2014||no gag||The War of Art|
|546||March 30, 2014||no gag||You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee|
|547||April 6, 2014||no gag||Luca$|
|548||April 13, 2014||no gag||Days of Future Future|
|549||April 27, 2014||April showers do not bring Matt Lauers.
(Hulu showings have You can't play April Fools jokes on April 27th.)
|What to Expect When Bart's Expecting|
|550||May 4, 2014||no gag||Brick Like Me|
|551||May 11, 2014||no gag||Pay Pal|
|552||May 18, 2014||no gag||The Yellow Badge of Cowardge|
|553||September 28, 2014||Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately, my dad doesn't die.
(reference to the controversy of the marketing for the episode, where it implied that a major character in the show would die in the premiere, with some spotlights implying that Homer would die, when it was instead Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky who dies)
|Clown in the Dumps|
|554||October 5, 2014||no gag||The Wreck of the Relationship|
|555||October 12, 2014||no gag||Super Franchise Me|
|556||October 19, 2014||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXV|
|557||November 2, 2014||no gag||Opposites A-Frack|
|558||November 9, 2014||no gag||Simpsorama|
|559||November 16, 2014||no gag||Blazed and Confused|
|560||November 23, 2014||no gag||Covercraft|
|561||December 7, 2014||Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken.||I Won't Be Home for Christmas|
|562||January 4, 2015||no gag||The Man Who Came to Be Dinner|
|563||January 11, 2015||Snowmen don't have carrot penises.||Bart's New Friend|
|564||January 25, 2015||no gag||The Musk Who Fell To Earth|
|565||February 8, 2015||no gag||Walking Big & Tall|
|566||February 15, 2015||
Pixel art is not real art.
(the screen appears pixelated during the gag)
|My Fare Lady|
|567||March 1, 2015||no gag||The Princess Guide|
|568||March 8, 2015||no gag||Sky Police|
|569||March 15, 2015||no gag||Waiting for Duffman|
|570||April 19, 2015||no gag||Peeping Mom|
|571||April 26, 2015||I will not pay my sister to do my punishment.
(Lisa writes this while Bart is watching her)
|The Kids Are All Fight|
|572||May 3, 2015||no gag||Let's Go Fly a Coot|
|573||May 10, 2015||no gag||Bull-E|
|574||May 17, 2015||no gag (but during the episode, Bart starts writing I will not before the chalkboard is taken away and replaced with an electronic one. Putting the chalk in his pocket, Bart writes I will not fight the future. with his finger once, then copies it multiple times over and inverts the screen)||Mathlete's Feat|
|575||September 27, 2015||no gag||Every Man's Dream|
|576||October 4, 2015||no gag||Cue Detective|
|577||October 11, 2015||no gag||Puffless|
|578||October 18, 2015||no gag||Halloween of Horror|
|579||October 25, 2015||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXVI|
|580||November 8, 2015||no gag||Friend with Benefit|
|581||November 22, 2015||no gag||Lisa with an "S"|
|582||December 6, 2015||no gag||Paths of Glory|
|583||December 13, 2015||no gag||Barthood|
|584||January 3, 2016||no gag||The Girl Code|
|585||January 10, 2016||no gag||Teenage Mutant Milk-caused Hurdles|
|586||January 17, 2016||no gag||Much Apu About Something|
|587||February 14, 2016||Hershey Kisses do not drop from Cupid's butt.||Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4|
|588||February 21, 2016||no gag||Gal of Constant Sorrow|
|589||March 6, 2016||no gag||Lisa the Veterinarian|
|590||March 13, 2016||no gag||The Marge-ian Chronicles|
|591||April 3, 2016||If Villanova doesn't win we lose everything.||The Burns Cage|
|592||April 10, 2016||Never lose a bet to Bart Simpson.
(written by Principal Skinner while Bart watches)
|How Lisa Got Her Marge Back|
|593||April 24, 2016||Dad swears he'll get his taxes in soon.||Fland Canyon|
|594||May 8, 2016||Dirty clothes are not a Mother's day gift.||To Courier with Love|
|595||May 15, 2016||no gag||Simprovised|
|596||May 22, 2016||Milhouse does not live below the puberty line.||Orange is the New Yellow|
|597||September 25, 2016||This arm needs Tommy John surgery.||Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus|
|598||October 2, 2016||I will stop losing 50% of my NFL lead-in.||Friends and Family|
|599||October 9, 2016||no gag||The Town|
|600||October 16, 2016||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXVII|
|601||October 23, 2016||The first episode of the second 600.||Trust But Clarify|
|602||November 6, 2016||no gag||There Will Be Buds|
|603||November 13, 2016||Being right sucks.
(reference to The Simpsons correctly predicting the results of the 2016 election in Bart to the Future)
|Havana Wild Weekend|
|604||November 20, 2016||I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping.
(FXX's "The Simpsons 600 Marathon" would begin the following week)
|605||December 4, 2016||no gag||The Last Traction Hero|
|606||December 11, 2016||no gag||The Nightmare After Krustmas|
|607||January 8, 2017||no gag||Pork and Burns|
|608/609||January 15, 2017||no gag||The Great Phatsby|
|610||February 12, 2017||If we're so good at predicting, how come my dad bet on Atlanta?
(reference to the New England Patriots' comeback win in Super Bowl LI)
|611||February 19, 2017||no gag||The Cad and the Hat|
|612||March 5, 2017||We're the only house where the Christmas tree is still up.||Kamp Krustier|
|613||March 12, 2017||no gag||22 For 30|
|614||March 19, 2017||Studying is not 'appropriating nerd culture'.
(And during the episode, two instances occurred: Lisa writes Everybody's a winner. and later, Bart writes I did nothing wrong this week.)
|A Father's Watch|
|615||April 2, 2017||no gag||The Caper Chase|
|616||April 30, 2017||no gag
(but during the episode, Grampa writes I just wrote one and I'm already tired.)
|Looking for Mr. Goodbart|
|617||May 7, 2017||no gag||Moho House|
|618||May 21, 2017||Thank you for 28 great years...Taylor Swift.||Dogtown|
|619||October 1, 2017||no gag||The Serfsons|
|620||October 8, 2017||no gag||Springfield Splendor|
|621||October 15, 2017||It's unfair to judge a president on his first 300 days.||Whistler's Father|
|622||October 22, 2017||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXVIII|
|623||November 5, 2017||Hooligan is not a profession.
(And during the episode, Bart writes I will not five times using multiple chalks at once)
|Grampy Can Ya Hear Me|
|624||November 12, 2017||I will not ask my guidance counselor why he couldn't get a better job.||The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used To Be|
|625||November 19, 2017||We do not live in our own pee.||Singin' In The Lane|
|626||December 3, 2017||no gag||Mr. Lisa's Opus|
|627||December 10, 2017||Snow angels are not frozen hobos.||Gone Boy|
|628||January 7, 2018||no gag||Haw-Haw Land|
|629||January 14, 2018||Strangling is not an effective parenting tool. (Homer is seen doing it while Bart smugly watches)||Frink Gets Testy|
|630||March 18, 2018||no gag||Homer Is Where the Art Isn't|
|631||March 18, 2018||no gag||3 Scenes Plus a Tag from a Marriage|
|632||April 1, 2018||This is the last episode. (Bart flips the chalkboard over to reveal another punishment saying April Fool.)||Fears of a Clown|
|633||April 8, 2018||April showers do not date the President.||No Good Read Goes Unpunished|
|634||April 15, 2018||no gag||King Leer|
|635||April 22, 2018||I will not bet with Bart on the Final Four.(written by Homer while Bart watches)||Lisa Gets the Blues|
|636||April 29, 2018||no gag||Forgive and Regret|
|637||May 6, 2018||no gag||Left Behind|
|638||May 13, 2018||no gag||Throw Grampa from the Dane|
|639||May 20, 2018||no gag||Flanders' Ladder|
|640||September 30, 2018||no gag||Bart's Not Dead|
|641||October 7, 2018||no gag||Heartbreak Hotel|
|642||October 14, 2018||no gag||My Way or the Highway to Heaven|
|643||October 21, 2018||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXIX|
|644||November 4, 2018||no gag||Baby You Can't Drive My Car|
|645||November 11, 2018||In-episode (on the street):
I will not order pregnant rats
|From Russia Without Love|
|646||November 18, 2018||no gag||Werking Mom|
|647||November 25, 2018||no gag||Krusty the Clown|
|648||December 2, 2018||My pre-Christmas behavior really helps the coal industry||Daddicus Finch|
|649||December 9, 2018||The fat man who works one night a year is my dad||'Tis the 30th Season|
|650||January 6, 2019||My new year's resolution was to quit school||Mad About the Toy|
|651||January 13, 2019||no gag||The Girl on The Bus|
|652||February 10, 2019||no gag||I'm Dancing As Fat As I Can|
|653||February 17, 2019||no gag||The Clown Stays in the Picture|
|654||March 3, 2019||Chili fries do not go in like a lamb and out like a lion||101 Mitigations|
|655||March 10, 2019||No gag, instead a bracket-style tournament of characters with Krusty and Apu in the finals||I Want You (She's So Heavy)|
|656||March 17, 2019||no gag||E My Sports|
|657||March 24, 2019||no gag||Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy|
|658||March 31, 2019||I am not a grandmother||Girl's in the Band|
|659||April 7, 2019||I will not write "audit please" on Homer's tax return.||I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh|
|660||April 28, 2019||Bart writes "Haw Haw!" on it, but then hits the blackboard, which rotates to reveal Nelson taped to the other side.||D'oh Canada|
|661||May 5, 2019||no gag||Woo-hoo Dunnit?|
|662||May 12, 2019||no gag
During the episode, Bart writes I will not shirk my responsibilities.
|Crystal Blue-Haired Persuasion|
|663||September 29, 2019||no gag||The Winter of His Content|
|664||October 6, 2019||no gag||Go Big or Go Homer|
|665||October 13, 2019||no gag||The Fat Blue Line|
|666||October 20, 2019||no gag||Treehouse of Horror XXX|
|667||November 3, 2019||no gag||Gorillas on the Mast|
|668||November 10, 2019||Daylight savings isn't something I can spend||Marge the Lumberjill|
|669||November 17, 2019||no gag||Livin La Pura Vida|
|670||November 24, 2019||no gag||Thanksgiving of Horror|
|671||December 1, 2019||Idle hands are the Devil's tools.
(written by Todd Flanders using both of his hands)
|Todd, Todd, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?|
|672||December 15, 2019||no gag||Bobby, It's Cold Outside|
|673||January 5, 2020||Teacher spent new year's eve at home by choice||Hail to the Teeth|
|674||February 16, 2020||no gag||The Miseducation of Lisa Simpson|
|675||February 23, 2020||no gag||Frinkcoin|
|676||March 1, 2020||no gag||Bart the Bad Guy|
|677||March 8, 2020||no gag||Screenless|
|678||March 15, 2020||Bart is at a Doctor's appointment.
(Written by Lisa)
|Better Off Ned (episode)|
|679||March 22, 2020||no gag||Highway to Well|
|680||April 19, 2020||School online
(One line is already written and Bart is absent; a reference to the COVID-19 pandemic) ("I must not write on mountain", written by Bart on the snowy mountain during the couch gag)
|The Incredible Lightness of Being a Baby|
|681||April 26, 2020||How did the boy get me to do this?
(Written by Homer while Bart watches)
|Warrin' Priests (Part One)|
|682||May 3, 2020||TBA||Warrin' Priests (Part Two)|
|683||May 10, 2020||no gag||The Hateful Eight-Year-Olds|
|684||May 17, 2020||no gag||Way of the Dog|
In non-Simpsons media
|Original show||Airdate||Screenshot||Gag||Episode title||Character who wrote the gag|
|The FairlyOdd||November 21, 2003||This is the sincerest form of flattery.||Channel Chasers||Timmy Turner|
|South Park||April 12, 2006||I hate Family Guy.||Cartoon Wars Part II||Bart Simpson|
|Invader Zim||December 24, 2011||Zim
is not an alien.
|Family Guy||September 28, 2014||I will not think about Bart anymore.||The Simpsons Guy||Stewie Griffin|
|Histeria!||Unknown||I do not need a megaphone!||The Thomas Jefferson Program||Loud Kiddington|
|Phineas and Ferb||July 12, 2013||"Animals are People Too!"||La Candace-Cabra||Major Monogram|
|Power Rangers Ninja Storm||July 26, 2003||"My Uncle Lothor's Evil Empire"||Sensei Switcheroo||Marah & Kapri|
|Kid vs. Kat||May 14, 2011||"I will not break priceless space artifacts"||Coop D'Etat||Coop|