(Barney is imaging Principal Skinner as a giant beer can)
: Barney I'll clean you up good, giant beer can!
(Bart is collecting golf balls in at the Springfield
: Wow! I'm just twenty balls away from a cellphone! Bart
: So it's Greenskeeper Willie you! Ye're the one who's been poachin' on me territory!
Bart: Groundskeeper Willie? Greenskeeper Willie: Weekends and summers, I'm Greenskeeper Willie! Yer ball-scavengin' days are over. And those orphaned golf balls belong to me! (snatches away the basket of golf balls) Pimple gold... I'm rich! Now I won't have to pleasure a country club wife... to get me steak dinner! (exits)
(Bart prank calls
Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.
Bart: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt? (Bar patrons laugh.)
(Bart's found cell phone rings)
Bart: Hello? Bart Simpson.
: This is Denis Leary, you little puke! When I find you, I'm gonna tear your heart out with two fingers! I know how to do it, too. I learned it for my show. Denis Leary Bart: Which one? The one that got canceled, or the one that's gonna get canceled?
Bart: I'm never gonna have a cell phone. : And I'm never gonna go to Machu Pichu. In this family, you get used to disappointment. Lisa
: I can't believe I'm out of gas. I put in one dollar of gas and I've only driven ninety cents. Principal Skinner : You had to drive with the windows open, didn't you, Rockefeller? Agnes Skinner
Bart: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?
(Bart is at Lisa's tea party)
Bart: I don't know why I agreed to this.
Lisa: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea. Bart: Oh, you're right.
Lisa: (seeing what her parents are up to) Tracking software? (gasps) You're spying on Bart!
: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care. Marge
: (Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement) That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. (Laughs) Soon, you'll be mine. Moe
FBI Agent #1: (observing Moe via spy camera) Keep talking, creepo. FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.
Dr. Hibbert gives Bart money after retrieving his golf ball.)
Bart: A dollar? What for?
Dr. Hibbert: It's the least I could do. These balls cost five dollars new.
Bart: So I can get a dollar for every ball I find? Then if a cell phone costs $100, how many balls do I need? Dr. Hibbert: (speaking aside to Dr. Riviera, his caddie) This is why my kids go to private school. (Laughs)
Marge: Bart, how did you get a cell phone? Bart: The same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.
Marge: Sweetie, we can't afford to get you a cell phone. As it is, I'm buying frozen peas in installments.
(Bart then calls
Australian Bartender: I got a Drew P. Weiner here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Weiner. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Weiner.
Australian Patron: Better put it down then, mate. (The patrons laugh and the bartender is upset.)
Bart: Viagra… 5 dollars a pill? Whatever it is, it’s going into Skinner’s coffee. (
Later) Skinner: ( after drinking the Viagra-laced coffee) What is in this coffee?
(Bart then calls
Swedish Bartender: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Maifren-Sergei? First name Olaf. Attenchion everyone: All of my friends are gay. (Patrons laugh)
Swedish Bartender: Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futality of human endeavour.
Constipated Gorilla/ : No longer must we live in shame, let the decree go forth, EVERYBODY POOPS!" Denis Leary
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