Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please."
Bart: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70, and they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. [pause] Well, good night.
Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is the time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Brodka: If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
Brodka: Hey, kid: one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce? Well, do you understand?
Bart: Everything except "capisce."
Gavin's Mom: Gavin, don't you already have this game?
Gavin: No, Mom, you idiot! I have "Bloodstorm", and "Bone Squad", and "Bloodstorm II", stupid.
Gavin's Mom: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a "Bonestorm".
Gavin: Get two. I'm not sharing with Katelyn!
[The employee gets two copies of the same game]
Bart: That must be the happiest kid in the world.
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark!
Gavin's Mom: [after seeing Bart get escorted by the security guard] That boy's parents made some terrible mistakes!
Gavin: Shut up, Mom!
Bart: Ohh, I'll never get that game!
Marge: [walking into Bart's bedroom] Tuck-in time! [singing] All aboard the sleepy train to visit Mother Goose. Barty's stop is Snoozyland to rest his sweet caboose.
Bart: Mom, I'm not a little kid any more! Tuck-in time is lame.
Marge: Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.
Bart: Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame.
Marge: Well, life is a box of chocolates--
Bart: Mom, no! Mom--!
Marge: You never know--
Bart: [annoyed, places a pail on top of his head and starts banging it, then he pauses for a second and looks out from it]
Marge: --what you're going to get--
Bart: [still annoyed by his mother's words, resumes pounding]
Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: [sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction: you wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative $59. [opens up cash register] Oh, oh, please, take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours. [Bart reaches for it] Eh, eh, eh. It seems we are unfamiliar with sarcasm. I shall close the register at this point [closes the register] and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart: Oh, then may I please rent it? Please?
Comic Book Guy: No, you may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge."
[Bart arrives at Milhouse's house to find out he's playing "Bonestorm."]
Milhouse: This is great...and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse."
[The screen says: "WELCOME THRILLHO"]
Bart: Say, cool dude, can I play, too?
Milhouse: Uh-uh, it's only a one-player game.
Bart: Then how come it says "Second player score"?
Milhouse: [pause] Mom! Bart's swearing!
[Cut to Luann pushing Bart out of the house]
Bart: Hey what the hell? Hey, damn it! I wasn't swearing!
Luann: No, no, no! Get out right now!
[As Bart thinks about taking the "Bonestorm" video game]
Luigi: Go ahead-a, Bart, take-a the Bonestorm.
Mario: The store, she's so rich. She'll-a never notice.
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game going to help your putting?
Sonic The Hedgehog: Just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Take it!
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness." I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at "Foot Locker" of Beverly Hills.
Homer: [pushing "play" on the answering machine] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.
Answering Machine: [singing] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada.
Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
Marge: Bart, get your suit on.
Bart: What for?
Marge: We're getting our Christmas picture taken.
Bart: Ehh, you lucked out, Marge, my man, 'cause I'm in a smiling mood today.
Marge: [laughs] Well, good! So get ready, and before you know it, we'll be at the Try-N-Save.
Bart: [pauses] Try-N-Save? [Steam appears to be blowing from his ears]
Marge: Ah, my teapots are ready. [Removes the teapot from behind him]
[As Bart is nervously getting dressed, he imagines Det. Brodka on the other side of the mirror]
Det. Brodka: If you ever step foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Juvenile Hall!
Bart: So we're just going to do this photo and get out, right? Badda bing, badda boom.
Lisa: I want to look at the pets, and write things on the typewriters, and see if the new dictionaries are in!
Homer: I want to price some flip flops, and smell the new tires, and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice!
Marge: Sure! We're going to have a great day. Badda bing, badda boom, right, Bart?
Marge: Oh, wait! Wait, I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. [takes Maggie's pacifier out and Maggie starts to cry]
Photographer: Don't worry, momma: I can put a smile on baby's face. [grabs a balloon] OK, sugarplum, it's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. [breathes from the balloon] Hello, I... oh, it's just air.
[As the family photo is being taken, it shows Brodka's hand yanking Bart from the picture, while Homer, Marge and Lisa are smiling pleasantly. He takes Bart to one side and is angered over him violating the ban]
Det. Brodka: I thought I told you. Don't Return For Busted Merchandise.
Homer:[taking Bart from Brodka] What are you doing to my son?!
Det. Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th commandment: Thou Shall Not Steal.
Homer: [scolding Bart] Stealing!How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [makes some sound effects and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh, yeah: stay out of my booze.
Bart: Mom, I'm really sorry.
Marge: [in an emotionless tone] I know you are.
Bart: Is there anything I can do?
Marge: I don't know. [pause] Why don't you go to bed?
[While Bart and Lisa are brushing their teeth]
Bart: Man, I thought Mom was going to scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice.
Lisa: I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop; it absorbs everything that touches it, like this bathroom rug.
Bart: [looks at the rug] Really? You think this might be one of those forever-type things?
Lisa: [with her mouth full of toothpaste] I don't know.
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment: First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Marge: [to Bart] There you are. You can help me spray the cookies! [Bart nervously looks at her] Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket?
Marge: Oh, Bart, not again. Give it to me!
Bart: I told you, I don't have anything! [runs off]
Marge: You can't hide from me in this house, Bart! I spend 23 hours a day here!
Homer: [blocking Bart's path; laughs] Get 'im, Ma.
Marge: There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over. [he hands her a framed picture] Oh, Bart, I can't believe you did this. [the picture is Bart smiling; a receipt says "Paid in full"]
Bart: I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.
Marge: Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get. [covers Bart in kisses] I love you so much, my little bitty Barty!