Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns!
Homer's Brain: D'oh!
Bart: Who's gonna change Maggie?
Homer: We're going to let her roam free in the backyard and nature will take its course.
Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says 'Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!
Dr. Nick: Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative!
Arnie Pye: Route 401 is going around and around and around and around and around. And look out at the corner of 12th and Main, because I'm gonna be sick.
Bart: Dad! We're running out of clean clothes!
Lisa: It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever!
Homer: Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes. (comes down the stairs in a wedding dress humming *Here Comes the Bride* to himself)
Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
Dr. Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Why, the only cure is bedrest. Anything I give you would be a placebo.
Woman: [frantic] Where can we get these placebos?
Man: (points at truck) Maybe, there's some in this truck!
(Crowd knock over truck and a box of killer bees from it break out and attack the crowd. A man, thinking the bee is a vaccine, takes it and swallows it)
Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!
Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.
Lisa: Mom, could you bring me more O.J.?
Bart: Mom, could you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine?
Marge: There's no such thing!
Homer: Marge, the boy is wasting TV time. Come change the channel and pat my head!
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Lisa: You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow!
Lionel Hutz: Uh, was he the black guy on the Mod Squad?
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer: Now, kids, while your mother's gone, I don't want to have to wash any dishes, so from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet.
Homer: Apu, I'd like you to drop the charges against my wife.
Apu: No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice!
Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I- uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace "kinda" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."
Milhouse: (looks at his lunchbox) Alright, baloney and cheese! What have you got, Bart?
Bart: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson: Hah-hah! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart: So's yours.
Nelson: Oh yeah. Let's play.
Marge: Knock, knock. I'm Marge Simpson, your new cellmate.
Phillips: I'm Phillips. They called me that because I killed my husband with a Phillips-head screwdriver.
Helen Lovejoy: From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.
(Lionel Hutz tries to give Judge Snyder a fake verdict)
Judge Snyder: This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong!
Bart: MrHutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you.
Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Could you imagine a world without lawyers?
(Hutz has a vision of a world without lawyers in his head with multicultural people walking and holding hands in a circle happily)