Abe: I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy!
Dr. Egoyan: As you surrender your body, what musical and visual orientations would you like to experience?
Abe: I want to hear the Glenn Miller Orchestra and see cops beating up hippies!
NFL Commissioner: (looking at street signs) The names on this map say Main Street and Evergreen Terrace, but all I can see are Two Point Conversion Avenue and Off-Season Knee Surgery Boulevard.
Homer: You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family!
Lenny: Hey Abe! Thanks for losing us our football team!
Mayor Quimby: Thanks to you, we have a $100,000,000 stadium we can only use for... farmers' markets
Maggie: (in baby talk with subtitles) Bald mommy is sure to fail!
Abe: If I knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
Lyrics to "Springfield Blows":
L.A. makes great movies
And awesome TV shows
Springfield don't make nothin
Cause Springfield blows
Springfield blows(3 times)
Yes, Springfield blows
Lisa: No wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel, pseudo-sport!
Homer: Lisa's right! It is a cool, super sport!
Homer: I've come up with our team — the Springfield Meltdowns! And here is our stadium, sponsored by corporate naming. It's the Duff BeerKrustyburgerBuzz Cola Costington's Department Store Kwik-E-Mart Stupid Flanders Park! So, Homer do good?
Marge: Homer do great! (they kiss) Uh, maybe Homer brush teeth first.
Young Abe: (at an HUAC meeting) I would like to name the following friends of mine as members of the Communist party.
Speaker: You're just here to test the microphone.
Young Abe: Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom DiMaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Josef Stalin... (gets removed by security guards)
Sideshow Mel: "Touchdown Avenue"? Delightful!
Jimbo: Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend?
Sideshow Mel: Oh! Isn't your mother a well-known whore?
Jimbo: (gasp) You win this round, Mel.
Dr. Egoyan: (waiting for Grandpa to die) One more minute.
Wiggum: Freeze! The voters just overturned the assisted suicide law!
Dr. Egoyan: (getting handcuffed) I'll kill you all!...when the law is reversed.
Wiggum: I'd like to see you try!...when the law is reversed.
Souvenir Jacket Guy: We should make the stadium a bull fighting ring. If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild. If Grandpa dies, the crowd goes wild. Either way, we make a fortune.
Lenny: (after Grandpa opens the outer gate) I don't know what he's doing and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
