|| Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
- Lisa: This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake.
- Marge: I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way!
- Marge: (to Homer) I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not!
- Kent: In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.
- Camera Man: Aaaaaaand cut.
- Kent: I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a really great story for me!
- Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
- Bart: Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day... the birth of Santa?
- (Bart has just told the family the truth about the missing tree and presents)
- Lisa: Why, you little...(strangles him)
- Homer: Lisa, no! (pulls her off Bart) Your hands are too weak! (strangles Bart, who is then kicked by Lisa)
- Marge: Stop it! Stop it! (goes to break up them up)
- Lisa: I'm killing him!
- Homer: No, I'm killing him first! You wait your turn!
- Kent: Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
- Homer: Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking, but one thing's for sure… you do exist.
- Kent: Strong words, strong bewildering words.
- (At the Springfield Retirement Castle, the old folks are dancing in joy)
- Homer: Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable! What the hell's going on?
- Abe: Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer!
- Jasper: (laughing) I can't feel nothing below my chin!
- Homer: Is this car $15,000?
- Salesman: (rubs off the $12,000 price tag) It is now, and because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund---no, four hundred and ninety bucks!
- Homer: What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
- Bart: I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—ow!
- Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry. I jammed you with my pen.
- Bart: Ow! You're still doing it!
- Salesman: I know.
- Krusty: Fifteen thousand Missoulians? Holy shlamola! Whaddya gonna do with all that kablingy?
- Marge: [gasps] What happened?
- Bart gasps to see the family glance down at the empty space where the tree and presents had been.
- Homer: [mutters] Where's Christmas? Lisa! Where's Christmas?
- Lisa: Bart, what were you doing outside?
- Bart: I-I don't know how to tell you this, but I came down a little early and...um....well...uh... [starts to cry] I saw a burglar and...he was....he took all our stuff, including the tree!
- Marge: We were robbed?! [Bart continues to cry; Homer gasps] How could somebody...
- Bart: I know! [sobbing] [The rest of the family comes down to comfort him.]
- Homer: [begins to cry] Can...we...skip...church? [sobbing]
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