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- Bart: I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. No one can prove anything.
- Mr. Largo: Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'tis Of Thee!"
- Lisa: But, Mr. Largo, that's what "My Country" is all about.
- Mr. Largo: What?
- Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up his...
- Mr. Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of these unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.
- Marge: It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow.
- Bart: In the red trunks, with the record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee! Woo-woo-woo! And, in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats, oh, correction: humiliating defeats - all of them by knockout...
- Homer: Must you do this every time?
- Bart: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson.
- (game starts, and Bart's character punches Homer's)
- Homer: D'oh! Stupid joystick!
- Bart: Woho, three second folks a new record.
- Homer: Hey no I'm not down - get up you, get up - okay here we go.
- Bart: Yo chump, back again?
- Homer: D'oh. Get out of the way, why is he not ducking (gets hit by Bart again) D'oh! Wait a minute, I can't be my - get out of the way stupid!
- Marge: Homer-
- Homer: Not now Marge. D'oh! Get out of the corner.
- Bart: Is Jock there?
- Moe: Who?
- Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
- Moe: Hold on. [calling out] Jock Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jock Strap!
- Bleeding Gums Murphy: My friends call me "Bleeding Gums."
- Lisa: Eugh! How'd you get a name like that?
- Bleeding Gums: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
- Lisa: Yeah.
- Bleeding Gums: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.
- Bleeding Gums: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.
- Bleeding Gums: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
- Marge: Lisa, get away from that jazzman! [to Bleeding Gums] Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.
- [Lisa is singing a blues song she wrote.]
- I got a bratty brother
- He bugs me every day
- And this morning my own mother
- She gave my last cupcake away
- My dad acts like he belongs
- He belongs in the zoo
- I'm the saddest kid in grade number two
- Bart: Sorry Dad, women and children first. [slams door]
- Homer: What? [keeps pounding door as Bart laughs.]
- Bart: I'm gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is getting boring, man!
- Homer: [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh heh heh.
- [as the game begins, Bart lunges, but Homer ducks out of the way and returns with a jab, knocking Bart onto the ropes. Homer wallops Bart.]
- Bart: Whoa!
- Homer: Kid, tonight's not your night!
- Bart: Alright man, you've asked for it! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
- Homer: [Bart attempting to punch his video game opponent] Ha ha, blocked it! Ha ha, you missed me!
- [both grunt]
- Homer: Ha ha! I got you! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I got you! I got you! And the crowd is on its feet, as "Hurricane" Homer moves in for the kill!
- Marge: Boys, I'd like your attention, please.
- Homer: Quiet Marge! This is my big moment! Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his misery. Wow, you're in luck Bart! Here comes my right!
- [Marge unplugs the video game]
- Homer: [shrieks] OH NO!!! My game! My game! I could've beat the boy! Marge, how could you?! I was so close!
- Marge: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game.
- Bart: You're right Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.
- [Homer collapses and sobs]