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Moe Baby Blues |
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- Marge: (gasps) Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American-Mexican Standoff!!
- Marge: You guys are the world's worst cops!
- Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.
- Bart: (to Homer) You could be my father figure.
- Homer: No way! I'm not getting my fingerprints on that trainwreck! If I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3. I gotta get her back!
- Bart: I can help you!
- Homer: Pipe down, Amtrak!
- Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
- Lisa: 'Cause I always know when you say 'Pick a number between one and ten', it's always seven.
- Homer: That's because there was seven apostles.
- Marge: No, there were twelve.
- Homer: Oh, that's a big step...Still it wasn't that funny.
- Moe: That's odd. It's 11:50 in the morning and the bar is empty.
- Kent Brockman: I'm live at the Springfield Botanical Gardens. We're minutes from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower which occurs every 100 years.
- Moe: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends. Where are they getting their beer? (watches Carl grab a Duff from a cooler) A cooler? I've been replaced by a cooler? And who can blame them?
- Moe: It's so nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say.
- Moe: (to Apu's son who is playing close to Maggie) Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B'Gosh! She don't want what you're shoveling!
- Apu: Mr. Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter.
- Moe: (to Apu) Yeah, sure he was, Nahasa-pasa-I'm-raisin'-a-pervert.
- Marge: (opening Maggie's birthday present) Ooh, a rattle! Thank you, Selma!
- Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
- Selma: (growls) Get a neck, Frankenstein!
- Moe: Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house?
- Marge: All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade.
- Chief Wiggum: Scum, freezebag! Heh, I mean "freeze, scumbag." You can't write stuff like that! See, that's why sitcoms are dying.
- Fat Tony: (While crying with his gang, the Castellaneta Family, and President of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League, touched by Maggie's innocence) I ain’t cried like this since I paid to see "Godfather III."
- Don Castellaneta: (After Fat Tony’s gang left for the restroom) Those fellows should really consider sippy cups.
- (Then they noticed Maggie coming in)
- Castellaneta Family member: Look, Boss. It’s a baby.
- Don Castellaneta: (Happily) Ah, a bambino! (Then he gets confused) Or is it a bambina? (Shrugs) I no speak any language so good.
- Fat Tony: Tonight, I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta Family.
- Louie: I don’t know, Boss. My passion for whacking is waning.
- Fat Tony: (Pulling a knife and orange out) Perhaps this will cheer you up.
- (He cuts a piece of the orange peel, puts it in his mouth, and imitates Don Corleone’s orange peel trick, which Maggie, watching from her bedroom window, got delighted upon seeing this. Legs, Louie, and Johnny Tightlips then laugh their heads off at this)
- Louie: That’s better! I could whack my own mother now.
- Fat Tony: (Discarding the orange peel) I’m glad you brought that up.
- Louie: (Shocked) Kill my mother?! (Sadly) But she makes such good pasta sauce.
- Johnny Tightlips: It comes from a can.
- Louie: She’s a corpse.
- (Fat Tony’s gang and the Castellaneta Family were about to get into a gunfight at Luigi’s, unaware of Maggie about to be caught in the middle)
- President: (Approaching, as if trying to stop this) Now hold on there. I’m the President of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League.
- (Then he angrily pulls two of his guns out from both sides underneath his business suit and points them at both Fat Tony’s gang and the Castellaneta Family, akimbo-style)
- President: (Angrily) And this really burns my cannoli!