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Much Apu About Nothing |
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- Homer: Ah, not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
- Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
- Homer: Thank you, honey.
- Lisa: By your logic, I could claim this rock keeps tigers away.
- Homer: Oh, how does it work?
- Lisa: It doesn't work.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: It's just a stupid rock!
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
- Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
- Lisa reluctantly accepts Homer's money.
- Professor Frink: Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive - don't touch it! - but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times as large, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
- Apu: Could it be used for dating?
- Professor Frink: Well, theoretically, yes. But the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest.
- Homer: Let's all calm down. Everyone's gonna be just fine, as long as I've got enough beers. (realizes the family is out of beer) Alright, that does it. If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house, I gotta go out and buy some beer.
- Kent Brockman: A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment.
- The police has tranquilized a bear as well as Barney Gumble.
- Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
- Orville Simpson: See son that's were we are going to live, maybe not today, or maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
- Abraham Simpson: That day we sailed to America.
- Orville Simpson: There it is, our new home.
- Abraham: Whee hee, I love America.
- Yuma: Abe, supper's on.
- Homer: I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24 I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about. You know what, Apu? I am really, really gonna miss you.
- Homer: You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Darn it, Apu! I'm not gonna let them kick you out! I never should've bought this button! Can I have my three dollars back?
- Apu: Store credit only.
- Homer: This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history!
- Lisa: Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.
- Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
- Lisa: That's the homeowner tax.
- Nelson: Hey, German boy! Go back to Germania!
- Uter: I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student!
- Principal Skinner: Young man, the only thing we exchanged for you is our national dignity.
- Groundskeeper Willie: You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie!
- Principal Skinner: Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size!
- Homer: Hello, Selma? Selma, my dear. How are ya? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
- Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love. Possibly once more for money.
- Abe: Hey, the government don't control the sky! What if you lived in a balloon?
- Abe: My father would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.
- Secretary: Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
- Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
- Secretary: Uh, yes, it does.
- Principal Skinner: I phoned ahead!
- Homer: We're here, we're queer, we don't want any more bears!
- Angry mob: We're here, we're queer, we don't want any more bears!
- Lenny: (to Homer) Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Were did you learn it?
- Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.
- Mayor Quimby: Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder?
- Secretary: Dumber, sir.
- Moe: Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!
- Moe: You know what really aggravateses me is them immigants. They want all the benefits of living in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
- Homer: Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.
- Barney: Yeah! (incomprehensible murmuring)
- Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn!
- Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And, really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.
- Apu: Oh, you are one of the good ones.
- Marge: Apu, the vote on Proposition 24 is on Tuesday. You'll have to pass the test before then.
- Apu: Oh, no. That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history.
- Homer: Oh, it can't be that many.
- Kearney: Uh, good evening, um, young man. My name is Charles Norwood. Furthermore to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my adultivity.
- Apu: Hmm. Hey, Kearney, this fake I.D., it is truly excellent. Say, if you tell me where you obtained it I will overlook the ice cream sandwiches concealed in your armpits, eh?
- Kearney: Deal.
- Apu is attempting to act American.
- Apu: Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging?
- Homer: Low and lazy. So- Hey. Say something again.
- Apu: Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.
- Homer: Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
- Apu: Oh, yeah. What was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes?... Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir!
- Apu: Who am I kidding? I am no citizen. This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap, $2,000 forgery!
- Homer: Please identify this object.
- Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year.
- Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck. But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?
- Apu: Because this particular flag is ridiculously out-of-date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state, but before Arizona did.
- Homer: Uh... partial credit.
- Apu: Executive, legislative, and... judicial.
- Homer: No, no and no. [Sighs] Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.
- Man: Alright, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
- Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-
- Man: Hey, hey!
- Apu: Yeah?
- Man: Just say slavery.
- Apu: Slavery it is, sir.
- Chief Wiggum: Here's the order of deportations. First you'll be rounding up your tired, then your poor, then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [Upon being deported] Ach. Ingrates...
- Lisa: You know, Apu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except Native Americans.
- Homer: Yeah. Native Americans like us.
- Lisa: No, I mean American Indians.
- Apu: Like me.
- Lisa: No, I mean...