Gil: You know, I used to be the buyer for the whole chain-- 71 stores! You heard of the A&P? Well, we used to be the J&G. [sings] You like what you see at the J&G, they used to be three, but we lost the 'Z' and-
Shauna [annoyed]: If I make out with you, will you shut up?
Gil: Ah, give it a shot. [Shauna kisses Gil] You know, we used to give out gray stamps. Remember green stamps? Ours was gray.
Marge: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
Bart: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.
(Lisa and Tumi are in Lisa's room.)
Lisa: It's so much fun to finally have a friend who likes the NPR show, Wait! Wait! Don't tell me, as much as I do.
PETER SAGAL: So, Carl Kasell, how did the House Minority Whip do on our news quiz?
CARL KASELL: Well, Peter, he got two out of three right, so he wins me recording his outgoing message.
MAN: Oh, that's okay. Really. No, no, no. Please don't.
CARL KASELL: It's not optional.
(Lisa and Tumi giggle.)
(Marge is painting the ceiling.)
Homer: See, Marge? Problems will work themselves out if you just leave them alone.
(Lisa and Tumi are in the kitchen.)
Lisa: (to Tumi) Want some more smoothie?
Tumi: As long as you load up on the kale and chia! (Lisa fills her glass with smoothie and Tumi takes a sip)
Bart: (spying on them) No one likes veggie smoothies that much. Or at all! Hmm... Something's fishy about that girl, and I'm gonna follow her till I find out what!
Bart: Hmm... I think I'll need you back at headquarters manning the phones!
Milhouse: Great! What do I say?
Bart: Just let them ring.
Milhouse: Got it!
(Bart enters Lisa's bedroom)
Lisa: What do you want?
Bart: I've got two things for you. This envelope will change your life for the low, low price of five dollars, and I'll throw in a piece of great advice. Tempted?
(Lisa gives five dollars to Bart)
Lisa: What's the advice?
Bart: Don't open the envelope. (laughs and runs off)
Lisa: Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
(Lisa looks at the pictures.)
Lisa: (gasps) Mom paid her to be my friend? (starts crying)
(Bart comes back.)
Bart: That's mine. It's for my library card. (runs off)
(Lisa starts sulking in sadness.)
(Lisa enters the kitchen to question Marge about her "friendship")
Lisa: (to Santa's Little Helper) You don't wanna be here! (The dog leaves and Homer enters the kitchen.) Neither do you! (Homer leaves and Lisa stares at Maggie, who jumps with her chair to another room.) Mom, how could you pay someone to be my friend? (groans) Answer me!
Marge: I wouldn't say I paid someone to be your friend. I just gave her money for records and ice cream.
Homer: (From other room) You gave away ice cream?!
Lisa: I would have found a friend eventually. You couldn't wait a damn decade until I got into college! (runs off crying)
Marge: Lisa, Lisa wait! (Lisa passes crying in front of Homer)
Homer: (to Marge) I'm sorry she rejected your "I'm sorry" cake, but in a way I'm not. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like cake.
Abe: Marge, don't feel bad. You did what any parent would do.
Marge: No, I think I went too far.
Abe: Let me tell you a little story about a chubby, unpopular boy named Homer.
Homer: Is that the boy you named after me after?
Abe: It is you, you ingit!
Abe: Little Homer had a devil of a time making friends. No one wanted to come visit him. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I paid a couple of boys, Lenny and Carl, to make my Homer feel loved. A relationship I continued to this day.
Homer: You pay Lenny and Carl to be my friends?!
Abe: Yes, but Barney's yours for nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, that makes me feel better. (Lisa unlocks her door.) Lisa's door is unlocked!
(Marge goes upstairs.)
Homer: Dad, is that story really true?
Abe: (laughs) I wouldn't pay ten cents to a lion to stop him from eating you!
(Homer starts moaning.)
(Marge enters Lisa's room. Lisa has a sad look on her face, but as soon as she sees her mother through the reflection window, it turns angry again.
Lisa:: (still angry) I'm gonna tell every psychiatrist I ever go to what you did.
Marge: Oh, my God. Every mother's greatest fear!
(Marge starts crying again.)
Lisa: (begin Lisa's thoughts) Wow! What unimaginable power. I could use this to get anything I want. But, right now, all I want is for my mom to stop crying. (starts crying; end Lisa's thoughts) Mom, stop, stop, stop! I'm sorry.
Marge is still sobbing.
Lisa: Please stop.
Marge sucks in her own snot.
Marge: Aw, you're not mad anymore?
Lisa: I'm fine. Fine. Funny, but, hurting your feelings made me feel better.
Marge: Try to forget that.
Lisa: But when I grow up, I'll find other weird kids and we will have the most intense relationships ever. And I'll always love you Mom.