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Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em |
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- Marge: Bart, here's a letter from your school.
- Bart: A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge! I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.
- Marge: Someone at your school has a life-threatening peanut allergy.
- Bart: Cool! Who is it?
- Marge: Ah, the letter doesn't say. But from now on, no peanut products are allowed on school property.(examines Bart's lunch box.) Hmm, let's see what you've got. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, trail mix, starring peanuts. Good grief, more peanuts!
- (Marge holds up a copy of "Good Grief, More Peanuts" by Charles M. Schultz.)
- (Marge hides as Kent Brockman inspects the gazebo she built.)
- Kent Brockman: Mm-mmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
- Homer: Listen, what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
- Kent Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin...for your manhood.
- (Homer shrieks)
- Kent Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
- Homer: Uh, like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
- Kent Brockman: Well said! Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
- Willie: Okay, give me all your peanuts, Goobers, and Fluffer Nutters.
- Bart: Oh, why should we have to give up our salty snacks just to keep one allergic kid from exploding? Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
- Milhouse: It's not me, I swear. I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears. (Milhouse sobs and his own tears appears) Oh, no. Call my allergist... and my optometrist.
- (the children laughs)
- Bart: Willie, you can tell me. Who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?
- Willie: I'll never say his name.
- Bart: "His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude.
- Willie: Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a man or a woman these days.
- Bart: Hmm.
- (A depressed Homer watches as his scaled down model of "The Zoominator" roller coaster crumbles and burns.)
- Lisa: Dad, here's a thought. If you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
- Homer: Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
- Lisa: I'd like a daddy who lived in the real world!
- Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
- (Principal Skinner finally stands up to Bart's peanut threats.)
- Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
- (Principal Skinner holds up a stick with a shrimp attached to it.)
- Bart: No! I'm allergic!
- (Bart holds up his stick with a peanut attached to it.)
- Principal Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
- Bart: No one teaches me history!
- (At the video arcade in the Springfield Mall, Bart plays a parody of Asteroids called "Triangle Wars.")
- Bart: What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What's does this button do? (presses the "Hyperspace" button.) (moans) Now my ship is pooping more triangles. (The video game emits an electronic chime.) Oh, no. I won a free game.
- (With the use of peanuts as a threat, Bart forces Skinner to do things against his will at the Comic Book store.)
- Principal Skinner: (clears throat) Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
- Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your kryptonite.
- Principal Skinner: Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
- Comic Book Guy: I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh. Ha, ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
- Principal Skinner: Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
- Comic Book Guy: Perhaps. But for now you may suckle your Baggins.
- (Comic Book Guy hands a Bilbo Baggins doll to Principal Skinner.)
- (Marge shows up at Krusty the Clown's doorstep to build him a hot tub.)
- Krusty the Clown: A lady carpenter? I don't know. What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't fallin' for that again.
- (Marge goes on a carpentry binge, and builds all sorts of crafts.)
- Lisa: Wow, Mom, you made all this?
- Bart: It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry!
- Marge: Aww, what sweet blasphemy.
- (With the use of peanuts as a threat, Bart forces Skinner to read something over the PA system while the other students listen.)
- Principal Skinner: "I'm a cootie eater. I've been one all my life. I like the cooties so much. I have a cootie wife."
- (The other students laugh hysterically.)