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|Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge||
- (Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie have met up with Johnny and his goons to go after Homer)
- Fat Tony: Ah, my Joisey muscle. It's so good to see you. Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips?
- Johnny Tightlips: I ain't sayin' nothin'.
- Fat Tony: I understand. So how is your mother?
- Johnny Tightlips: Oo-whee, who says I have a mother?
- [The mobsters are getting shot at]
- Fat Tony: Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?
- Johnny Tightlips: I see a lot of things.
- Fat Tony: You know, you could be a little more helpful.
- Marge: I made you your favorite dinner. All three courses dessert.
- Homer: Even dessert?
- Marge: Dessert is three kinds of dessert.
- Kid: Hey Officer Homer, how'd you get so big and strong.
- Homer: Green vegetables and homework.
- Kid: Aw, shucks!
- Bart: Look at those looters, breaking things, setting fires. They're living my dream and you won't let me join them. Please can I throw one little…
- Homer: No!
- Bart: What if I just burn down a…
- Homer: No!
- Bart: Can I at least…
- Homer: No! I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior.
- Bart: Can I have a beer?
- Homer: Alright, but not the imported.
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge!
- Marge: (to Bart) No beer!
- Homer: You know, I've had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary -- but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
- Homer: (about Maggie) She's just like Clark Kent. When there's lots of excitement, she's nowhere to be found.
- Homer: I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid or corrupt and now I'm gonna get killed for it!
- Homer: Finally, a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people!
- Homer: Yeah, but this town doesn't deserve me. I'm gonna give this badge to the next person I see!
- Chief Wiggum: (walks up and takes badge) Hey, this is funny, 'cause this is how I got the job the first time.
- Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar.
- Mr. Burns: We've siphoned extra power off from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents?
- Ralph: Daddy; how come you're not at work?
- Chief Wiggum: I don't know. How come you're not at school?
- Ralph: My teacher says she's tired of trying.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah well, so am I, Ralphie. So am I.
- Fat Tony: (To Marge) Is your husband home?
- Marge: Fat Tony, how could you do this?
- Fat Tony: Sorry, but this is the business we’ve chosen.
- Marge: But you’re just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype. I mean, you could be a pizza man, organ grinder, a leaning tower maker.... (Hesitates) Did I say “Pizza man?”
- Fat Tony: (Tearfully while shedding a tear) You are listing my broken dreams.
- (He wipes his tear away with a sniffle)