: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: Homer (counts on his fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week?
Marge : Marge, I'm only human!
: Aunt Selma?
Lisa : [grunts]
Selma : Do you think you'll ever get married?
Lisa : Selma [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
Lisa : Selma [grunts]
: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an 8-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
: Which one's Selma again?
Homer : She's the one who likes Marge Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Homer : It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
Principal Skinner : Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
Bart : Principal Skinner (yells)
THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS! : Uh-oh.
Bart : The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty Board of Education out of retirement. Principal Skinner (sighs) Call your father immediately.
: Hello, is Homer there?
Bart : Homer who?
Moe : Homer...Sexual.
Bart : Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Ah, come on, come on! One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Moe : Homer (laughing) Don’t look at me! (laughs)
: Oh, no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Moe : You’ll do what, young man?!
Principal Skinner : What? What? Wait. Who is this?
Moe : I think the real question is who is this, Principal Skinner
AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?! : Whoa. Whoa. Sorry, Principal Skinner. Sorry. It’s a bad connection, I think. Gah, it’s for you. I think Bart’s in trouble again.
Moe : Homer D’oh! (Cut to principal's office) What's he done now?
: Bart [grumbling while re-sodding the field, one seed at a time] Oh, stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me... [stops as he meets Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner]
: Groundskeeper Willie [debut lines] Save yer strength, lad. Heh. There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet. [leaves, chuckling]
: Principal Skinner [to Patty] So, see me again tomorrow?
: Patty [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
: Then the day after that.
Principal Skinner : Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
Patty : The day after that, then.
Principal Skinner : Seymour, you're touching me.
Patty : Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
Principal Skinner : Hi-ya!
: Principal Skinner [to Bart] I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
: It's your funeral, Seymour.
: Selma [to Bart] What did you learn in school today?
: Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
Bart : Selma [after a moment of silence] Hmm. Thanks, kid. You made my day.
: She broke my heart, Moe. Barney (Sobs)
: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Moe : Barney (sees a full pitcher of beer) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
: Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!
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