Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
Principal Charming
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Homer: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: (counts on his fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
Marge: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week?
Homer: Marge, I'm only human!

Lisa: Aunt Selma?
Selma: [grunts]
Lisa: Do you think you'll ever get married?
Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
Lisa: No.
Selma: [grunts]
Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an 8-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.

Homer: Which one's Selma again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
Principal Skinner: (yells) THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!
Bart: Uh-oh.
Principal Skinner: The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty Board of Education out of retirement. (sighs) Call your father immediately.
Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer...Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Ah, come on, come on! One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer: (laughing) Don’t look at me! (laughs)
Moe: Oh, no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Principal Skinner: You’ll do what, young man?!
Moe: What? What? Wait. Who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!
Moe: Whoa. Whoa. Sorry, Principal Skinner. Sorry. It’s a bad connection, I think. Gah, it’s for you. I think Bart’s in trouble again.
Homer: D’oh! (Cut to principal's office) What's he done now?

Bart: [grumbling while re-sodding the field, one seed at a time] Oh, stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me... [stops as he meets Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner]
Groundskeeper Willie: [debut lines] Save yer strength, lad. Heh. There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet. [leaves, chuckling]

Principal Skinner: [to Patty] So, see me again tomorrow?
Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
Patty: Hi-ya!

Principal Skinner: [to Bart] I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.

Selma: [to Bart] What did you learn in school today?
Bart: Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
Selma: [after a moment of silence] Hmm. Thanks, kid. You made my day.

Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (sees a full pitcher of beer) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!

Principal Skinner: Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!

Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3
Bart Gets an "F"Simpson and DelilahTreehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every FishDancin' HomerDead Putting SocietyBart vs. ThanksgivingBart the DaredevilItchy & Scratchy & MargeBart Gets Hit by a CarOne Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue FishThe Way We WasHomer vs. Lisa and the 8th CommandmentPrincipal CharmingOh Brother, Where Art Thou?Bart's Dog Gets an FOld MoneyBrush with GreatnessLisa's SubstituteThe War of the SimpsonsThree Men and a Comic BookBlood Feud
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