Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! (starts crying)
(Homer, Lenny, and Barney start crying as well)
Carl: (to the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.
(At the end of the episode)
Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though. When my face was crushed, why'd it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some third face that was different? It don't make no... (the end credits begin to roll.)
Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly-ugly.
Actor: [to the producer] But I've been playing Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years! It's time I got a raise.
Producer: Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
Actor: And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
Moe: [pushes the actor aside] Remember me? 25 years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow.
Producer: I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
Moe: Really? You mean it?
Actor: But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows, that's going to ... [realizes] Oh. [he takes off his eye patch, hands it to Moe, and walks off the set]
Lisa: I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. Tad Winslow.
Marge: Well, I'm going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that girl next door?
Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.
Homer: (reading the "It's Never End" storylines) Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results.
[Scene cuts to the Simpson home, where Marge and the kids watch the show]
Bart: What's Dad doing on the show?
Marge: Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt. [writes down "Sexy Results" on her notepad]
Producer: (to Moe and Homer) What the hell are you two doing?
Moe: Sticking it to you for killing off my character. [he and Homer high-five each other]
Producer: You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
Producer: [holds up the script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
Homer: (Drinks his Duff Beer) You can really taste the goat.