Simpsons Wiki

Welcome to the Simpsons Wiki! If you want to help us in this wiki, sign up or sign in to get started. Otherwise, enjoy this wiki!

READ MORE

Simpsons Wiki
Simpsons Wiki
Advertisement
Simpsons Wiki
Episode
References
Gags
Appearances
Gallery
Quotes
Credits
Marge vs. the Monorail
Selma's Choice
Brother from the Same Planet
Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens (over a shot of Duff Gardens), where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore! (over a shot of Lou the cop arresting Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney as he waves to the camera).

(as Homer, Bart, and Lisa are changing for Duff Gardens)
Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa: We're under six.
Homer: And I'm a college student!

Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Bart: Gladys, Gladys... about yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead...
Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
Lisa: We understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: (whining) But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Bart and Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..
Bart: Which old witch?
Homer: The wicked witch!
Marge: Homer!

Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: (out loud) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: Homer! That's very rude of you.
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!

Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Bart: Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me!
Homer: Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining!

[Cut to Lisa being so smushed up against the window that she can't even speak.]


Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)

Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: MR. HUTZ!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

Aunt Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]

Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
Selma: Patty. I want a baby.
(Maggie immediately wakes up, quickly sucks on her pacifier as if to say, "Uh-oh!", and tries open the car door to escape. When that doesn't work, she presses her face and hands on the car window).

Hans Moleman: R, Q, G, question mark, smiley face.
Selma: Next. (notices his driver's licence bio) Wait a minute. It says here, you're single.
Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?
(Selma and Hans Moleman are having a date and Hans is reading the menu)
Hans Moleman: Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman.
Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir.
Hans Moleman: Very good.
[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
Hans Moleman: I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
Selma: Use your imagination. (She repeatedly bats her eyes at him)
Hans Moleman: (tries to give her a kiss)
Selma: (Imagines herself married to Hans and their kids bumping into each other and one of them falling out of the apartment)
Selma: Ugh. Get out of my car. [drives off]
Hans Moleman: (Looks to the house he is at) This isn't my house.

Marge: Selma! You're back already?
Selma: Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.

Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.

Bart: [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, great, Dad's dead.

Marge: Have you been eating that sandwich again?
Homer: Sand... wich.
[Flashback at the company picnic...]
Carl: Jeez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
Homer: [pats the sandwich] I'll give it a good home.
[Homer sits on the couch, eating the hoagie, which is about 5 feet long.]
Marge: You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Homer: Two more feet and I can fit in the fridge.
[In the kitchen, Marge holds up a molded sandwich with tiny mushrooms on it.]
Marge: Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away.
Homer: Suggestion noted. [continues eating it]
[Later, Homer holds up a molded sandwich.]
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: Yes. [Marge throws the molded sandwich into the bin as he grows sick] Oh.

Marge: [to Selma] We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.
Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
Selma: That's the spirit.

Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.

Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
Lisa: This is a disgrace.
Selma: Hey, anything this bad has to be educational.

Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]
Selma: [with a sensual husky voice] You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
Selma: [normal voice] I said, take off those damn glasses!

Bart: Hey, Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa: [looking at the horrible brown "water" the boat is floating on] I'm not sure that is water.
Bart: Chicken. [begins to cluck like a chicken]
Lisa: Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT! QUIT IT!
Selma: Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
[Lisa complies. She immediately begins to experience hallucinations.]
Animatronics: Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you/I'll have a Duff... ["Duff" echoes]
Lisa: They're all around me. No way out! [laughs] No way out, I tell you!
Selma: [looking absolutely nightmarish to Lisa] What's wrong? You just put your head right here.
[Unfortunately, her kindness backfires, as her shoulder appears to have grown a monstrous mouth to the hallucinating Lisa.]
Lisa: [screams and tries to attack Bart and Selma with an oar]

Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Lisa: (having hallucinations and seeing everything blurry) Whoa, I can see the music!

Selma: [looking at Surly] Can't you do something?
Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy, Surly!
Selma: Mmm. Sorry, Surly.
Surly: Shut up.

Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.

Officer: [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
Employee: Give her this [gives two pills to Selma], and this [gives her two more pills] and then, these [gives her a bunch of pills]
Selma: Thank you, doctor.
Employee: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

Homer: Come to Homercles!
Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!
Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]

Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]

Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.
Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.


Season 3 Season 4 Quotes Season 5
Kamp KrustyA Streetcar Named MargeHomer the HereticLisa the Beauty QueenTreehouse of Horror IIIItchy & Scratchy: The MovieMarge Gets a JobNew Kid on the BlockMr. PlowLisa's First WordHomer's Triple BypassMarge vs. the MonorailSelma's ChoiceBrother from the Same PlanetI Love LisaDufflessLast Exit to SpringfieldSo It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip ShowThe FrontWhacking DayMarge in ChainsKrusty Gets Kancelled
Advertisement