Marge: Do you think she could be a professional someday?
Music Teacher: Oh, Lord, no.
Lisa: But I'll practice every day.
Music Teacher: Yeah, well, I'll be frank with you, Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness. It usually comes from the father's side.
Meanwhile, at the Simpson residence, Homer drops a can of beer.
Principal Skinner: Please, please, don't panic! (looks out the window at the students) They can smell fear.
Lisa stealing all of the "Teacher's Editions" exposes a few teachers' lack of education in class. One of the teachers, Mr. Hippie, is in class smoking a cigarette, appearing nervous to his class as he has a lack of education.
Mr. Hippie: Have I ever told any of you about the '60s?
Lisa: Bart, why did you take the blame?
Bart: 'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
Lisa: Oh, Bart.
Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
Mr. Glascock: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
(Bart, Lou, and Eddie drive past a motel)
Lou: Hey Bart, you see that Caddie over there?
Lou: That's Mayor Quimby's car. Tonight his honor is...polling the electorate.
(Inside, Quimby is schmoozing a woman over drinks)
Mayor Quimby: How would you, uh, like a street named after you?
(Bart whistles in awe)
(Bart and the cops drive past Sideshow Mel, who is rollerblading with his dog on a leash. Mel waves to them)
Eddie: (scoffs) I tell ya, they only come out at night.
Mrs. Krabappel: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!
Principal Skinner: (cleaning the Puma Pride statue) Sleek, vigilant puma--Principal of the Mountains.
Principal Skinner: Now, Bart, in light of your recent server to the school I've decided to be lenient. 400 days detention.
Bart: 400 days. I could do that standing on my head.
Skinner: All right, 500 days.
Bart: Ooh! Big man!
Skinner: 600 days.
Bart: Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... (rubs his hands) And I liked it!
Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph: (a gluestick is poking out of his mouth) No, Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover: Good. Now sprinkle the sparkles onto the paper. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it!
Principal Skinner: (to Bart) The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank.
Bart: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Principal Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!
Lisa: Ok, but if you want to hock Skinner off, I suggest you do the one thing he truly believes in!
(Donna and Donna's friend stop upon realizing that Lisa knows more of Skinner's weakness than they do)
Principal Skinner: (sadly looking at the vandalized Puma Pride statue) I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school.