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Homer at the Bat
Separate Vocations
Dog of Death
Lisa: Dear Log: This will be my last entry. For you were a journal of my hopes and dreams, and now I have none.

Dr. Pryor: Here's your scientifically selected career.
Janey: Architect.
Chuck: Insurance salesman.
Ralph: Salmon gutter?
Milhouse: Military strongman!
Martin: (talking to himself while crossing his fingers) Systems analyst. Systems analyst.
Dr. Pryor: Systems analyst.
Martin: All right!
Lisa: Homemaker?
Dr. Pryor: Mm-hm. It's like a mommy.
Bart: Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered.
Dr. Pryor: I am going to be blunt with you, Bart. Before this test, I was thinking you would become a drifter.
Bart: Wow, a drifter!
Bart imagines himself as a full-grown man. He is scruffy, unkempt, and smoking a cigarette while trying to hitchhike in the rain.
Bart: ('talking to himself) That lousy sheriff thinks he can banish me from his town? Well, I ought to go back and teach him a lesson about the right to travel!

Lisa: Can you tell me if I have what it takes to be a blues musician?
Music Teacher: Sure can. Show me your chops.
Lisa plays a saxophone solo for a music teacher.
Music Teacher: Uh-huh. Yeah. Cool.
Marge: So, you think she has talent?
Music Teacher: Sure.
Marge: Do you think she could be a professional someday?
Music Teacher: Oh, Lord, no.
Lisa: But I'll practice every day.
Music Teacher: Yeah, well, I'll be frank with you, Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness. It usually comes from the father's side.
Meanwhile, at the Simpson residence, Homer drops a can of beer.
Homer: (talking to himself) D'oh! Stupid fingers!

Principal Skinner: Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every "Teacher's Edition" in this school.
Teacher #1: What do we do?
Mrs. Krabappel: Declare a snow day!
Black Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication tables?
Principal Skinner: Please, please, don't panic! (looks out the window at the students) They can smell fear.

Lisa stealing all of the "Teacher's Editions" exposes a few teachers' lack of education in class. One of the teachers, Mr. Hippie, is in class smoking a cigarette, appearing nervous to his class as he has a lack of education.
Mr. Hippie: Have I ever told any of you about the '60s?

Lisa: Bart, why did you take the blame?
Bart: 'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
Lisa: Oh, Bart.

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Mr. Glascock: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.

(Bart, Lou, and Eddie drive past a motel)
Lou: Hey Bart, you see that Caddie over there?
Bart: Uh-huh.
Lou: That's Mayor Quimby's car. Tonight his honor is...polling the electorate.
(Inside, Quimby is schmoozing a woman over drinks)
Mayor Quimby: How would you, uh, like a street named after you?
(Bart whistles in awe)

(Bart and the cops drive past Sideshow Mel, who is rollerblading with his dog on a leash. Mel waves to them)
Eddie: (scoffs) I tell ya, they only come out at night.

Mrs. Krabappel: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!

Principal Skinner: (cleaning the Puma Pride statue) Sleek, vigilant puma--Principal of the Mountains.

Principal Skinner: Now, Bart, in light of your recent server to the school I've decided to be lenient. 400 days detention.
Bart: 400 days. I could do that standing on my head.
Skinner: All right, 500 days.
Bart: Ooh! Big man!
Skinner: 600 days.
Bart: Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... (rubs his hands) And I liked it!

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie!

Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph: (a gluestick is poking out of his mouth) No, Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover: Good. Now sprinkle the sparkles onto the paper. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it!

Principal Skinner: (to Bart) The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank.

Bart: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Principal Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!

Lisa: Ok, but if you want to hock Skinner off, I suggest you do the one thing he truly believes in!
(Donna and Donna's friend stop upon realizing that Lisa knows more of Skinner's weakness than they do)

Principal Skinner: (sadly looking at the vandalized Puma Pride statue) I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school.
Groundskeeper Willie: (from outside) Get yer hands off me!
Principal Skinner: God, I could really use a half day...
(Skinner walks outside to find Eddie and Lou putting Groundskeeper Willie in handcuffs.)
Groundskeeper Willie: Think ye're big men with yer handcuffs and blasted tasers!
Bart: Get him out of here.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll get ye, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!

Miss Hoover: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'?
Lisa: I don't know. You?
(The class laughs with Lisa)
Miss Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... (flips to the answers) The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
Lisa: Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.

Mrs. Krabappel: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day, Martin will be teaching this class.
Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
Mrs. Krabappel: Just do it, brainiac!

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Skinner: Let's move.

(Lisa is sent to Skinner's office by Miss Hoover.)
Skinner: I have never seen a good student take such a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?
Lisa: What do you got?

Lisa: (serving detention with clapping erasers clean) Stupid Hoover, she wouldn't be so smart without her teacher's edition!
(Lisa gets an idea and steals Hoover's Teachers Edition as well as many others and hides them in her locker! She walks away snickering as the teachers' lack of education is exposed.

Season 2 Season 3 Quotes Season 4
Stark Raving DadMr. Lisa Goes to WashingtonWhen Flanders FailedBart the MurdererHomer DefinedLike Father, Like ClownTreehouse of Horror IILisa's PonySaturdays of ThunderFlaming Moe'sBurns Verkaufen der KraftwerkI Married MargeRadio BartLisa the GreekHomer AloneBart the LoverHomer at the BatSeparate VocationsDog of DeathColonel HomerBlack WidowerThe Otto ShowBart's Friend Falls in LoveBrother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?