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Simpson Tide |
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- Mr. Burns: How could you be so irresponsible?
- Homer: I-It's my first day.
- Mr. Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well. Carry on.
- Smithers: Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson, and he's been working here for 10 years.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
- Homer: It's my first day.
- Mr. Burns: [Chuckling] Well, why didn't you sa- Oh! You're fired!
- Homer: You know, Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country. Maybe it's time I gave something back.
- Lisa: Are you thinking of joining the naval reserve?
- Homer: Would you be proud of me?
- Lisa: Yeah, sort of.
- Homer: Then I will do it!
- Homer: There's a question that's crossed out.
- Clerk: Well, due to a recent presidential order we're not allowed to ask that particular question.
- Homer: Oh, I think I can make it out. "Are you a homosex-"
- Clerk: Oh, for God's sake, don't answer that. I could go to jail.
- Homer: But I'm not a homosex-
- Clerk: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA... I am not listening! (He exits.)
- Homer: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay.
- Homer: You know, Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country and later I'm going to get Gilligan's autograph.
- Lisa: I'm so proud of you, Homie!
- Homer: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! (laughs)
- Grampa: My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!
- Ralph: (while wearing an earring) My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two owies!
- Sergeant: (to Homer) All right, Simpson, you don't like me and I don't like you.
- Homer: I like you.
- Sergeant: All right, you like me, but I don't like you.
- Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me!
- Homer: (to Moe) Damage report, Mr. Moe.
- Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
- Homer: Enough of what's out! What's in?
- Moe: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
- Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
- Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
- Barney: Where you going?
- Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
- Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!
- Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!
- Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey! I'm in too!
- Male Asian: Di di mau! Di di mau!
- Moe: I'm sorry, guys. We're shutting down for a while. Sorry.
- Female Officer: (to Homer) Fifteen seconds to collision! We need a decision.
- Homer: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
- Captain Tennille: (while in the torpedo tube) Don't fire the torpedoes!
- Homer: Fire the torpedoes!
- Lisa: Be careful, Dad.
- Homer: Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. (begins imagining) Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
- Captain Tenille: Tell me, young man. What do you want out of life?
- Homer: I want peas.
- Captain Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
- Homer: (attempting unsuccessfully to reach a pot of peas) Oh! Uh-huh.
- Captain Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
- Homer: (eating peas from a butter knife) With a knife!
- Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet. Oh, Simpson! You're like the son I never had.
- Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
- Lenin: (upon being revived) Must crush capitalism!
- Barney: Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak. It's filling up with a clear, nonalcoholic liquid.
- Homer: You mean water?
- Barney: Yeah, that's it.
- Homer: You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable."
- Lisa: (to Homer) I think you're a hero, Dad!
- Homer: Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart. (to Bart) Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring. It saved us all.
- Bart: Hey, can I get a tattoo that says "Bite Me"? You never know when it might come in handy!
- Homer: I don't think so, son.
- Bart: King Cobra?
- Homer: No.
- Bart: Weapons-grade plutonium?
- Homer: Ask your mother.
- Bart: Knock-out drops?
- Homer: No.
- Bart: Ninja death stars?
- Homer: Maybe for Christmas.