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- Krusty: "And now for our parody of Mad About You entitled, "Mad About Shoe".
- (goes to a bed with a giant shoe in it)
- Hey baby, let's kiss, no tongue.
- (audience boos)
- Ugh, You're not going to like our N.Y.P.D Shoe sketch... it's pretty much the same thing."
- (During the Krusty Komedy Klassic: Krusty steps out onstage. Three white "K"s are behind him)
- Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and -- [notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him]: "KKK"? That's not good. [audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him]
- Krusty: And now, Gerald Ford!
- (Gerald Ford appears)
- Gerald Ford: Thank you for having me, Krusty.
- (Ford gives speech while Krusty makes faces behind him and crawl repeats "BORING!")
- Gerald Ford: Now I would like to speak about something that is very important. The Boy Scouts of America have been molding men for generations but their membership has declined in recent years. I encourage all boys to consider...
- (Gerald Ford sees Krusty making faces)
- Gerald Ford: What are you doing?
- Krusty: Thank you for coming. All the good presidents were busy! So, how are things with Nancy?
- Gerald Ford: Betty!
- TV Announcer: And now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson in his short lived stint replacing Andy Griffith on The Andy Griffith Show.
- Don Knotts: Where's Otis? He not in his cell.
- Charles Bronson: I shot him.
- Don Knotts: Well that's just... you WHAT?!
- Charles Bronson: Now I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It-Shop...to fix Emmett.
- Shary Bobbins: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
- Homer: Did you say Mary Pop—?
- Shary Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.
- Homer: Who was your last employer?
- Shary Bobbins: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
- Homer: Marge, do we know them?
- Shary Bobbins: No.
- Homer: Come on, isn't he that guy I bowl with? The black guy?
- Marge: That's Carl.
- Homer: Oh, yeah. So you worked for Carl, eh?
- Ned: Hi-diddly-ho, Shary Bobbins!
- Snake: Yo, Shary Bobbins!
- Nelson: I picked you some posies, Shary Bobbins.
- Shary Bobbins: Oh, thank you, Nelson. (kisses him on the forehead)
- Nelson: (blushing) Aw, geez!
- Seymour Skinner: (ringing his bell) Boy for sale, boy for sale.
- Jimbo Jones: Is it legal, man?
- Seymour: Only here and Mississippi.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!
- Shary Bobbins: It's good to see you, Willie.
- Willie: That's not what you said the first time you saw me!
- Quentin Tarantino: (following his Itchy & Scratchy cartoon) What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society. You know, it's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.
- Pennyfeather: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny.
- Marge: Pleased to meet you.
- Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag! [starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig] You're phony! Fakey, phony broad! [runs after her] Gimme those!
- Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
- Homer: Sorry.
- Marge: Hello, I'm Marge
- [Homer growls and jumps after her]
- Kearney: I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids and if they get out of line (hits his fist in his hand) pow!
- Homer: I like him.
- Kearney: Thanks and where do you keep the liqueur?
- Homer: I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.
- Marge: I'm sorry young man, but you're not what we're looking for.
- Kearney:(muttering) You tell me you blue-haired witch.
- Marge: I heard that!