(Bart is singing in the school choir, so Marge cannot hear him individually)
Marge: Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.
Bart: (close up, singing) Oh, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got awa—(he is pulled away by Principal Skinner)
Bart: Aw, come on, Dad, this could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us!
Homer: Oh, all right. Who's Tiny Tim?
(Marge shows Homer that the Christmas money jar is empty because of Bart)
Homer: [gasps and screams] Oh! It's true! The jar is empty! Oh, my God! We're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!
Marge: (reads Lisa's letter) Oh, Lisa, you've asked for a pony for the last three years and I keep telling you: Santa can't fit a pony in his sleigh.
Lisa: But I really want one, and I've really, really good this year!.
Marge: Maybe Bart is a little more realistic... (reads Bart's letter). A TATTOO?!
Homer: A WHAT?!?
Bart: Yeah!. They're really cool and they stay with you forever!
Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas!
Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
Bart: All right!
Marge: Alright, kids. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa's workshop in the North Pole.
Bart: Oh, please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.
Marge: (writing) Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all.
Homer: Marge! Haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays...
Marge: [writing] The Simpsons.
Homer: Marge! Where's the extension cord?
Marge: Oh, for heaven's sakes, Homer, it's in the utility drawer.
Homer: Sorry. I'm just a big kid. And I love Christmas so much. [Homer walks to the utility drawer and opens a compartment only to find the lights strangled] D'oh! [growling]
Tattoo Removal Technician: (turning on laser) Now whatever you do, boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.
Bart: Hey, Santa, what's shakin', man?
Homer: (as Santa) What's your name, Bart-ner... er... little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Homer: (annoyed) I'm Jolly ol' Saint Nick.
Bart: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that! (Pulls off Homer's Santa beard, just as their photo is taken)
Bart: Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.
Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!
Clerk: That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.
Homer: (buying a chew toy for Maggie) It says it's for dogs... but she can't read.
Homer: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon... Comet... Cupid... Donna Dixon?
Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes, something to share our love - and frighten prowlers.
Bart: And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.
Homer: (as Santa, while he is walking out of his 'workshop') Hey, little kids! Santa's back! Ho! Ho! (hits his head on the doorway) D'oh! Damn it to---
(The young children gasp)
(Homer falls off the roof while trying to hang Christmas lights)
Homer: Alright, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!
(Marge turns on the Christmas lights, and the results are less than spectacular. One bulb even blows out.)
Homer: Well, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it?