Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.
Homer: This is my favorite family tradition, ice cream after a botched recital.
Lisa: Cigarettes? They can kill you! They did a whole episode about it on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Zack tried to impress a girl by smoking, but she went for Cody instead. Ha. Zack's life wasn't so sweet then.
Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
(Homer and Lisa are excited about the latest Angelica Button book.)
Lisa: The last book in the series goes on sale at midnight and we're gonna go stand in line.
Bart: Wait in line for a book? You tell 'em Bart says hey.
Homer: Come on, boy. All the nerds are doing it.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.
(Chazz Busby's TV commercial.)
Chazz Busby: See that? That's talent. Think you got it? You don't. 'Cause only I can teach it and I ain't taught you, so you don't. The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy is coming to Springfield. Auditions are Monday. Callbacks are Tuesday. Wednesday, you see I'm a heartless bastard. Thursday you realize you love me, damn it. Friday, we're closed.
Marge: Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer!
Homer: Go-go or boring?
Chazz Busby: I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show Crap Like This. Ran for five years.
Homer: I can't believe you were smoking. Do you know the "sturgeon" general said you're not supposed to?
Lisa: A "sturgeon" is a fish.
Homer: And a very wise fish he is!
Lisa: So what happened?
Marge: My bosoms grew in and ruined my balance.
Lisa: Really? How?
Marge: They came in one at a time.
Lisa: Mom, do you think mine...
Marge: No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your father's boobs.
Bart: Dad, you never win in a fight against animals. Remember your war with the worms?
Homer: That was not a defeat, that was a phased withdrawl.
Bart: Then why did they made you build that statue? (points at statue of Homer bowing at a worm, titled "Worms are better than me")
Homer: They multiply when I cut them. I can't fight that.
Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
Marge: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
Lisa: Oh! Oh.
Apu: Ugh, you have wasted my time! (menacingly) You have made a very powerless enemy! Good day, and be well.
Homer: Who could have done this?
Bart: Well, something chewed through the cellar door, and the floor is covered with pawprints.
Homer: This can only mean one thing!
(cut to Homer holding up Ned Flanders' sweater)
Homer: Flanders, you ate my jerky!
Ned: As the oak said to the beagle, you're barking up the wrong tree! I spent the whole morning blanking out the "goshes" and "darns" of this Hardy Boys book!
Homer: I know you ate my jerky, just like I ate your earthquake supplies.
Homer: Awww, they're using the jerky to feed their family! Look, there's a Homer, and a Bart, and a Marge and a Lisa! Awww, they even share my views on parenting.
(Homer raccoon strangles Bart raccoon)
(It's windy and Lisa can't breathe the smoke)
Lisa: Oh, what am I doing? I don't need second-hand smoke to do ballet. (Grabs an alight cigarette on the ground) I need first-hand smoke! (Slowly approaches the cigarette to her mouth)
Homer: LISA! Give me that! (grabs the cigarette, stomps on it, pulls a gun and starts shooting the ground) I can't believe how easy it is in this country to get cigarettes. (Puts the gun in his jacket with the other guns and angrily looks at Lisa)
Homer: Because it means so much to your mother, you can keep doing ballet. But you have to stop smoking, including second-hand!
Lisa: That's easy for you to say, you've never had to be thin and focused!
Homer: (eating a hamburger, with mouth full) What'd you say?
Lisa: I'm just saying it's gonna be hard for me to quit, especially before the recital!
Homer: I thought you might have trouble with this. That's why I'm assigning someone to keep watch over you. Someone you'd never expect.