Luigi: Don't-a-worry. Let-a my cooking cheer you up-a.
(he goes off-screen, into the kitchen)
Luigi: Hey Salvatore! Get the ugly kid a platter of red crap-a!
Principal Skinner: (over the phone) I know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony holiday. I mean, it sounds so made-up: Yom kip-pur!
(After Bart watches the clips of the home video)
Bart: Ha ha ha ha. They're going to eat this up at show and tell.
Marge: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely. Come on, have a sense of humor about yourself. (watches the clip of himself on the toilet saying "I'm a big boy today," then Lisa laughs) Uhhhh… I gotta find somethin' else quick.
Bart: Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse: A walking clock?
Nelson: A walking clock!
Martin: I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart: What?.....No, it's my dog.
Mrs. Krabappel: (looking at Santa's Little Helper) Oh, he is a gem! Here boy. (kisses) Would you like these cookies Martin made for me?
Martin: My raisin roundies!
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
Principal Skinner: Willie, go into the vent and get him.
Groundskeeper Willie: What? Have you gone waxy in your peaster? I cannot fit in tha' wee vent, you croquet-playing mint muncher.
Principal Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you...you guff-speaking work-slacker.
Groundskeeper Willie: Ooh, good comeback.
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it! I have HAD IT with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
Principal Skinner: Oh, now! I really think the children's appearance...
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble! [Santa's Little Helper falls into his arms from the vent] Why, looking into this lovable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven.
[Groundskeeper Willie falls from the vent]
Groundskeeper Willie: Make way for Willie! [lands on Superintendent Chalmers] I said make way for Willie, you bloated gasbag!
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour...
Principal Skinner: Hmmm?
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did...did you just call me a liar? (Chalmers stands up)
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. ... That's much worse. ... HIC!
(Leopold approaches the podium and the students gasp at his threatening presence)
Leopold: All right you little punks, prick up your freakin' ears, because I'm only gonna say this once! From now on, things are gonna be very, very different around here... (the students gasp, and he quickly changes to a cheerful demeanor) ...with your new principal, Ned Flanders!
Flanders: Well, tippety-top of the A.M. to every-good-body here. As chairman of the PTA, I am de-diddley-lighted to take over here and I think I can put the "pal" back in "principal."
(The kids cheer)
Superintendent Chalmers: And I'll put the "super" back in "superintendent"!
(The kids stare blankly)
Flanders: Bart, I've barely been here a good solid week, and you've been sent to my office 11 times. And now that I have peanut butter cups, you seem to be getting in trouble every hour.
Bart: [through a full mouth of peanut butter cups] Must have been a coincidence.
Flanders: Uh, anyhoo, Bart, you're going to have to be punished. This isn't some sort of clubhouse. [Bart holds up an empty glass and rattles it] Oh, sorry. Were you drinking Slice or Yoo Hoo?
Principal Skinner: [laughing hard] Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention and put the whole school on the honor system?
Bart: [laughs] Yeah. And the teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge! [laughs]
Principal Skinner: [chuckles] Oh, ho ho, that place must be falling apart. Oh, mercy. Nobody's mentioned me, have they?
Bart: Er, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria, but they might have been saying "skimmed milk."
Principal Skinner: Well, maybe it was for the best. Now I finally have time to do what I've always wanted - write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park, where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Clone-o-Saurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, Sir! First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this... [minutes later, still livid at Skinner's idea] ...on the best-seller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover has... [yet another few minutes later] ...ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR MOVIES OF ALL TIME, SIR! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?[pauses, then calms down] I mean thank you, come again.
Lunchlady Doris: More testicles mean more iron.
Bart: C'mon Chalmie, you've fired Skinner for less than this.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it. It's a hell of a toboggan ride.
Flanders [over the P.A.]: Well, cockily-doodily-do, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another school day.
Superintendent Chalmers: Thank the Lor- "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer, a prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish! Flanders is history!
(Bart is looking at pictures of Skinner in the army)
Lisa: Wow, I never taught Principal Skinner could become any more of a square but there's the proof.
Bart: It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with one eyebrow.