Bart: Yeah, you always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me!
Marge: Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
Homer: Yeah, like which kid's their favorite. (whispering) It's Lisa.
Young Comic Book Guy: And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed!
(Moe is trying stealing a man's watch, but the man sees him.)
Moe: Oh, I wasn't trying to steal your watch. I--I--I was just coming on to you.
Man at Bar: Okay, let's go back to my place.
Moe: Oh, boy.
(The Simpsons are all huddled up near the fireplace.)
Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you just paid the heating bill!
Homer: I thought global warming would take care of it is. Al Gore can't do anything right.
Homer: You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?
Marge: I did tell you.
Homer: I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.
Homer: (narrating) I had finally realized every rock star's dream. Hating being famous.
Marge: Did you know that every U.S. president has been a straight white man?
Homer: Even Walt Disney?
Homer: He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.
Homer: You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...
Marge: I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.
Marge: (gasps as she bursts into Homer's mansion) Oh, my god, you're a junkie!
Homer: (moaning) I need it...
Marge: I'm getting you off this stuff!
Homer: But I need it!
Marge: No, you don't!
(Back to the present)
Marge: Unfortunately, as I later learned, that wasn't heroin. It was insulin. Homer really did need those injections.
Homer: I had become diabetic from drinking too many Frappuccinos.
Marge: There is a part of our past that we haven't told you kids about. A turbulent part.
Bart: Come on. More turbulent than now?
Lisa: We're in every kind of therapy!
Homer: Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.
Bart: The '90s? Never heard of it.
[When Marge enters Professor Stephan's library]
Marge: Have you really read all these books?
Professor Stephan: Morally, I couldn't display them on my shelves if I hadn't. But I watch sports as well, just like a regular man. [turns on the TV to a football game] Good goddess! The Patriots are deep in Redskin territory. This isn't entertainment, it's genocide! [sobs]