|The Bart Wants What it Wants||
- Marge: For God sakes, Homer! Give them back their flame!
- Homer: No! The Olympics have preempted my favorite shows for the last time.
- Bart: You can always find your favorite shows next month.
- Homer: You wait till next month! You wait till next month!
- Marge: (groaning) every four years.
- Lisa: Springfield Preparatory School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
- Homer: But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
- (Homer and Marge are both grunting, trying to pull Lisa away from the gate)
- Lisa: No, I belong here! Please!
- Homer: Don't worry, honey. We can't afford this now, but when it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is. In South Carolina.
- Lisa: Oh! I will not be a Gamecock!
- Homer: You will too!
- Lisa: No!
- Homer: Go Gamecocks!
- (Milhouse and Bart have a fight and disrupt a curling match)
- Female Announcer: Two young Yankee Doodles have turned this match into a dandy.
- Male Announcer: Both our viewers must be thrilled.
- Greta: I'm looking for someone more masculine.
- Milhouse: I told you, I don't know how that scrunchy got in my hair!
- Greta: I can't believe he dumped me!
- Wolfcastle: In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
- Greta: Dad, this isn't a movie!
- Homer: (about Rainer Wolfcastle's SUV) What kind of mileage does it get?
- Rainer Wolfcastle: One highway, zero city.
- Homer: Ouch! I sat on something sharp!
- Rainier Wolfcastle: That's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
- Homer: laughs I have a boil on my ass.
- Homer: (giving Bart advice about women) Never give them nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar, and always get receipts. It makes you look like a business guy.
- Principal Skinner: (meeting with Willie privately in his office) Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-up comedy act tonight. If the students find out I'm performing in floppies, I'll never live it down.
- Willie: I won't tell if ye put me on the guest list.
- Skinner: Alright. (pulls out a notebook and pencil from his coat) Plus one?
- Willie: (lowers his head sadly) Nay.
- (Cut to just outside Skinner's office door, where Bart and Milhouse are eavesdropping.)
- Skinner: (jotting down on his notebook) Now, I'll give you directions starting from the Simpson house.
- Bart: Oh, ho, we are so there.
- Milhouse: Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance tonight?
- Bart: Hmm, yeah. Maybe I should keep my promise.
- Skinner: I just hope the audience is kind, because my material is weak and, uh, and I have that bladder thing.
- Bart: That's it. I'm blowing off the dance. This is the biggest thing that happened to me since chocolate milk!
- Milhouse: They've got chocolate milk now?
- Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America for America Jr.?
- Lisa: (to Principal Skinner as he steals supplies from the private school science room) I know we need school supplies, but this is just stealing.
- Principal Skinner: Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
- Homer: (while giving Bart advice about women) Never give them nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar and always get receipts. It makes you look like a business guy.