The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

◄ The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

The Principal and the Pauper ►

Moe: The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

(The men at the bar cheer and hi-five.)

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is, we gotta start having designated drivers.

(The men at the bar groan)

Moe: We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg.

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(After Homer destroys the car boot)

Homer: Hehe, Homer one. New York nothin'. (Steps on destroyed car boot) D'oh!

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Bart: That took too long. How come we had to transfer in Atlanta twice?

Lisa: I just say we should have paid the extra $1.50 and got a bus with restrooms!

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Marge: We'll meet you in Central Park at 5:00.

Homer: Okay, but not a minute later. Once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy. (looks at person on street) I'm on to you!

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Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to be driving around in a car you built yourself.

Homer: (Building a car out of a mattress) Okay, Marge, either you can stand there and complain, or you can get started knitting me those seatbelts.

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Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.

Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

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Barney: I can't. I'm the designated driver.

Duffman: Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver system. Now, who wants to party?!

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Homer: Alright New York, I'm comin' back! But you're not gettin' this! (throws his wallet into the fireplace)

Lisa: Dad, our baby pictures were in there!

Homer: Don't you start!

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Bart: (at top of the Statue of Liberty) Hey, immigrants! Beat it! Country's full!

Sailor: OK people, you heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

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Lisa: (At a butcher's shop) Mom, are those rabbits dead?

Marge: No, no, Lisa they're just sleeping, upside down…and inside out.

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Lisa: Here's a better idea. You give me your address and I'll write to you.

Bum: OK. Send it to Jesus, uh, care of the Pentagon.

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Lisa: (reading the letter from New York) Dear motorist, your vehicle is illegally parked in the burrough of Manhattan.

Homer: My vehicle!

Lisa: If you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours, your car will be thrown into the East River at your expense.

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Homer: Now remember, criminals prey on small town folk like us. So if anybody asks, we're sophisticated millionaires from the Ozarks.

Marge: Homer, you're scaring the children.

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Fireworks Store Owner: (after Bart sets off some fireworks) Oh, no! Chinese fire drill! Serious this time!

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[While watching the "Kickin' It" musical]

Bart: When I grow up, I want to be in the Betty Ford Center.

Marge: You better start saving now. It's very expensive.

Lisa: Shh. They're strapping down Liza Minelli.

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Taxi Driver: (to Homer when he's driving his car with the boot on) Get off the road, you freakin' maniac!

Bicyclist: (being dragged by taxi driver) Yeah, you jackass!

Homer: Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!

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Homer: And that's when the C.H.U.D.'s came at me.

Marge: (to Homer) Of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.'s.

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(Homer tries to take off the parking boot from his car's wheel with his teeth)

Tower One Worker: Hey, When you're done with that, l got something up here you can bite on!!

Tower Two Worker: Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag!! (to Homer) Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot! Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One!

Tower One Worker: That's it! l'm comin' over there!!

Tower Two Worker: Yeah!? Why don't you come over here! l got something for you!

Tower One Resident: Shut up, both of youse!!

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Homer: Uh oh! It's getting dark! Well that's it! I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!

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(Homer telephones the phone number on the boot)

Female Voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plead "not guilty," press "1" now. (Homer presses "1") Thank you. Your plea has been...

Deep Male Voice: Rejected.

Female Voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...

Deep Male Voice: Large lateness penalty.

Female Voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 AM and 5:00 PM for parking officer Steve...

Deep Male Voice: Grabowski.

(Homer hangs up and sits down on the engine hood of his car)

Homer: They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00? That's... how many hours? (checks his wrist watch) Ten, eleven, denominator... Oh, where's Lisa when you need her?