Wiggum: [on-screen] If you've committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.
[Homer clicks "No".]
Wiggum: You have chosen 'No', meaning that you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. [An image of a paddy wagon with a flashing siren appears in the corner of the screen.]
Homer: [indignantly] Hey!!
Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt. [Images of the items with the SPD logo appear, surrounding Wiggum's face.] You have the right to remain fabulous! [The flashing words "NOW 80% OFF" appear on the screen.]
Homer: No one can silence me but me!
Fake Homer: That arranged can be.
Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.
Homer: Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret?
Homer: Not even a little one?
Homer: What if I just whisper it?
Moe: No, I tells ya!
Homer: Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
Lisa: Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea! I'll just make up some news!
Lisa: Ugh, at least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that!
(Mr. X reports that Apu's bagels are really old donuts)
Chief Wiggum: In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every donut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city. And some coffee. (He takes a sip of coffee from a foam cup on the lectern.)
Leader: As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
Homer: (Taking his face out of ice cream with needles sticking out) I'm sorry, what?
(Next scene at the Simpson house)
Fake Homer: (Speaking with a German accent) Marge, honey, Fraulein, I'm home!
Marge: You're not my husband!
Fake Homer: Ja, please forgive my unexplained two week absence. To make it up to you we will go out to dinner at a sensibly-priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.
Marge: Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
Skinner: Our mayor’s corrupted. Mr. X has done this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling.
Agnes: (Off-screen) Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Skinner: (calmly) No, mother.
Agnes: You sissy.
Comic Book Guy: (looking at computer) Let's see here: "X-Rated Girls", already bookmarked, "Dial X for Sex"..."Mr. X"? Hmm. Should I cross the final frontier?
(Mr. X page loads)
Comic Book Guy: What's this? (clicks on "Quimby's Dirty Pool" link) Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!