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The Dad Who Knew Too Little |
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- (Lisa asks Homer for the diary she just saw on TV on her birthday)
- Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
- Lisa: Just give me the friggin' toy.
- Dexter Colt: You know, Homer. Ever since I first met you, I always knew I would kill you in a hall of mirrors.
- Homer: How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.
- Groundskeeper Willie: (notices Dexter Colt looking in Lisa's Locker) Hey! That's not yer locker!
- Dexter Colt: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Movin' on. (leaves, whistling innocently)
- Elliott Gould: Krustofski!
- Krusty: Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor, Elliott Gould!
- Elliott Gould: Your monkey bit my kid again!
- Krusty : Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion...
- [Mr. Teeny looks on, grinning sheepishly]
- Elliott Gould: Say hello to Bob. And Carol. And Ted. And Alice. [punctuates each name with a punch or kick to Krusty as Mr. Teeny continues grinning]
- Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is...PHONIES? I thought she loved them!
- Brandine: Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
- Cletus: Duly not
- Marge: Okay Bart and me
- Marge: Okay Lisa, now open the present from your father and me. (Poles Homer with her arm and Homer gives the present to her).
- Lisa: I wonder what this could be!
- Homer: I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- Lisa: Could it be some kind of book?
- Homer: Well, Yes and no. (Lisa opens the present revealing to be a cassette tape) Mostly no!
- (The family watches the video Homer bought for Lisa. Lisa exits a saloon.)
- Narrator: Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff...
- Homer's voice: Lisa Simpson.
- Narrator: I sure am hungry for my favorite food:
- Homer's voice: McNuggets.
- Lisa: I don't like McNuggets, I'm a vegetarian!
- Homer: Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present. (The camera turns and reveals her other present to be a roast chicken)
- (A cowboy on a horse approaches "Lisa" in the video)
- Narrator: Why, it's my best friend:
- Homer's voice: Maggie!
- Lisa: Huh?
- (Another cowboy exits the saloon in the video)
- Cowboy 2: Bad news, Sheriff...
- Homer's voice: Lisa Simpson.
- Cowboy 2: Some Indians took all the...
- Homer's voice: McNuggets! Mmm... McNuggets... (Groans happily)
- Narrator: I'll get those no-good Indians. Just as sure as my favorite book is
- Homer's voice: Magazines! (Falls asleep and snores)
- Bart's voice: Wake up, Dad!
- Homer's voice: (Wakes up) Wai..Wha...? (Lisa turns the TV off)
- Lisa: Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend! (Cries) You don't know anything about me! (Runs to her room while sobbing)