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The Great Louse Detective
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- Chief Wiggum: Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
- Homer: Triple? No, definitely no.
- Chief Wiggum: Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.
- Marge: (hopeful) Paris?
- Chief Wiggum: No, no, not Paris.
- Marge: (downminded) I'm never gonna go to Paris.
- (Homer notices Rainier Wolfcastle in the steam room, totally naked.)
- Homer: (thinking) Oh, my God, a naked celebrity, be cool, don't stare at his famous wang...
- Rainier Wolfcastle: Ha ha ha, go ahead, look, the whole world already saw it on Nudist Camp Commandant. (standing up) I WORE NOTHING!!
- (The Simpsons are in Campbell's Chunky Soup Maximum Security Prison)
- Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
- Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.
- Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.
- Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Sideshow Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
- Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Bob!
- Chief Wiggum: If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job.
- Lou: You're living the dream.
- Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!
- Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids.
- Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
- Homer: I'm a people person... who drinks.
- (while Apu and Sideshow Bob reminisce about Bob's attempt to frame Krusty for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart)
- Homer: If you two hens are finished "clucking", I would like to buy the latest issue of "Jugs & Ammo".
- Moe: (after beating up a Homer dummy) Now who's the sociopath, huh?
- (The Homer decoy results in Moe, Patty, Selma, Willie and Reverend Lovejoy attacking it.)
- Marge: These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead, they just want him to suffer.
- (The real Homer tackles the decoy)
- Homer: (To the decoy) Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer! Hehehehehe!
- Sideshow Bob: None of this seems odd to you.
- Marge: Meh.
Jester: (Knocks on door) Homer Simpson?
Homer: Right here.
(Door opens, Revelers enter living room, as When the Saints Go Marching In is played)
Jester: Youāve been elected King of Mardi Gras!
Homer: Woo Hoo! good things do happen to bad people.
Marge: Honey the King of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day. Youāll be a sitting duck!
Homer: Marge, youāre embarrassing me in front of the drag queen.
- (Sideshow Bob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer)
- Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these. (shows votes with all the same handwriting)
- Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.
- (Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.)
- Lisa: (gasps) Dad's heading for the Swordfish Museum!
- Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.
- Homer: Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?
- Frank Grimes, Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?
- Lisa: Dad! I figured it out! (opens a piece of paper) The murderer is--
- Homer: We know! Frank Grimes Junior!
- Lisa: Huh? (looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man") Precisely. (crumples the paper and kicks it away)
- Bart: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
- Homer:: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children.
- Bart: (singing) You've grown accustomed to my face...
- Sideshow Bob: This isn't a duet.
- Bart: Sorry.
