Marge: You're missing The Itchy & Scratchy Show. Don't you like it anymore?
Lisa: [reading the back of a Frosty Krusty Flakes cereal box] Sure, we love it. But how can we watch T.V. when it's so beautiful out?
Bart: Well, yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too, but God knows we don't need to see you every day.
Marge: An occasional hug is all I ask. [hugs him]
Bart: Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep.
Marge: I do!
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings. Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. [his finger follows the ratings graph, which plummets at 4:20]
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that's what I thought at first, but then... Hey, shut up!
Roger Myers Jr.: But "Itchy & Scratchy" is critically acclaimed!
Krusty: ACCLAIMED!? [spits] I oughta replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where the robots that turn into... blingwads!
[At the Springfield Mall, Marge is shopping with Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.]
Marge: I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department.
Bart: Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?
Marge: Mmm... okay, just be careful.
[Bart and Lisa run away happily. Before long, they encounter a guy who speaks to them]
Man: Would you kids like to come with me?
Bart: [simultaneously with Lisa] Sounds good to me! Let's go!
Lisa: [simultaneously with Bart] Okay! Guess so.
[At a cartoon focus group study]
Man: We want you to tell us what you think. And, be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you. [chuckles]
[a sneezing sound comes from a huge mirror set along a wall of the room; the mirror shakes]
Lisa: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Man: Ah, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror, y'know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing, or coughing, or talking softly.
Lisa: [suspiciously] Hmm... [the focus group guy surreptitiously gives a thumbs-up to the mirror]
Man: You each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph: [knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Man: Please refrain from tasting the knob.
Man: How many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?
Kids: [clamoring] Oh, yeah! I would! Great idea! Yeah, that's it!
Man: And who would like to see them do just the opposite -- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
Kids: [clamoring] Me! Yeah! Oh, cool! Yeah, that's what I want!
Man: So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots?
Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching.
Roger Myers Jr. [turns on the light in the observation booth, making himself visible to the kids]: You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids; 'cause you're stupid! [sticks his face to the window, deforming his nose] Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! [turns the lights out]
Ralph: [starts crying, turns the knob to the left] Mommy!
Lisa: Umm... excuse me, there is nothing wrong with "Itchy & Scratchy," but after so many years, the characters lose something of their impact.
Roger Myers Jr.: That's it. That's it, little girl! You've saved "Itchy & Scratchy"!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save "Itchy & Scratchy."
[At "Itchy & Scratchy, Intl," Roger Myers Jr. has called a meeting of the writers along with Krusty and a lady from the network. ]
Roger Myers Jr.: I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to! [writers look at each other, uncertain]
Oakley: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain't art, it's business!
Krusty: Whaddya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
Roger Myers Jr.: No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog. [to the writers] D-O-G.
Weinstein: Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
Network Executive Lady: In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.
Oakley: You mean Cerberus?
Network Executive Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
Network Executive Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
George Meyer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Roger Myers Jr.: Oh, yes.
Bart: Hey, Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy & Scratchy! Poochie the dog?!
Lisa: Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
Roy: Yo, yo! How's it hangin', everybody?!
Marge: Morning, Roy!
Homer: Yeah. Hi, Roy.
Otto: Whoa-ho! A talking dog! [chuckles] What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that?
Cohen: We were eating rotisserie chicken.
Otto: Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog!
Roger Myers Jr.: You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap!
Troy McClure: Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rocking dog! Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp".
Roger Myers Jr.: You're even better than this guy! [to Otto] Take a hike, you bum.
Homer: Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog!
Roger Myers Jr.: Now, that's just bad. You've got no attitude, you're barely outrageous, and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face. Next!
Homer: (angry) Oh, no attitude, eh?! Not in your face, huh?! Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
Roger Myers Jr.: That's it! That's the Poochie attitude, do that again!
Homer: Huh? I can't, I don't remember what I did.
Roger Myers Jr.: Then you don't get the job. Next!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, I don't get the job, do I? We-ell boo-hoo! I don't get to be a cartoon dog!
Roger Myers Jr.: That's it, you've got the job!
Homer: (still sarcastic) Oh, now I've got the job, huh? (realizes) Oh, thank you
Homer: How'd you get to be so good?
June Bellamy: Oh, just experience I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [does Road Runner's voice] Meep!
Homer: You mean "Meep-meep?"
June: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
Homer: Will this episode be going to air live?
June: No, Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
Doug: Hi, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes that same rib twice in succession yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we, to believe that this is some sort of a, a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
Database: Excuse me, Mr. Simpson, on the "Itchy & Scratchy" CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without a wizard's key?
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
June: You're a lifesaver, Homer, I can't deal with these hardcore fans!
Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl. What are you, blind?
Krusty: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. (Pictures on a man on the moon appear in the background) 1969: Man walks on the moon. (picture of astronaut playing golf on the moon) 1971: Man walks on the moon… again. Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.
(The "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie" theme song)
They fight! And bite!
Poochie: And bark!
They fight and bite and bite!
Poochie: And bark!
Fight bite bark!
Poochie: Woof woof woof!
The Itchy and Scratchy (and Poochie) Show!
Itchy: Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend Poochie!
Scratchy: What's that name again? I forgot.
Scratchy: Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
Itchy: He's totally in my face.
The name's Poochie D.
And I rock the telly.
I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli.
I'm the Kung-Fu hippie, from Gangsta City.
I'm a rappin' surfer.
You the fool I pity.
Milhouse: When are they going to get to the fireworks factory? [starts sobbing]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet! You're missing the jokes!
Poochie: [hands out his hand to Scratchy for a high-five] Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters. [Scratchy extends his arm -- Poochie withdraws his] NOT! Hey, kids, always recycle... [screams] to the extreme! Bust it! [he drives away in the sunset, past the fireworks factory]
[About the new and improved "Itchy & Scratchy" show]
Nelson: Ugh, that stunk!
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah. You should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... you got a beautiful home here.
Homer: So, it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes, we can. [they rush upstairs, quickly followed by three bangs of slammed doors]
Lisa: You can't be cool just by spouting off a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
Bart: Don't have a cow, Lis!
Marge: Bart's right. Let's none of us have a cow.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Krusty: What the hell happened?!
Network Executive Lady: I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
Krusty: You've gotta stop this thing! [crying] Please! I'm getting egged on the street! Do something! Do something! [crying]
(Homer pitches some suggestions for the "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show.)
Homer: One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie"? Three--
Roger Myers Jr.: Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.
Homer: Then they said they were going to kill Poochie off!
Bart: [joyfully] Really?! [fakes sadness] Oh, how terrible.
Lisa: Yes. Terrible.
Marge: It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... um... yak in heat!
Homer: I won't let them treat Poochie like dirt anymore just because he's the new guy.
Roy: Right on, Mr. S!
Homer: Put a sock in it, Roy.
June: [in Itchy's voice] Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Homer: [in Poochie's voice] Yes, I certainly do! [normal voice] Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog that nobody wanted, I know we can make them laugh and cry until we grow old together.
Homer: Now kids, I know you loved the old Poochie, but the new one is going to be better than 10 Super Bowls! I don't want to oversell it, judge for yourselves.
(In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.)
Scratchy: Well, look who's here!
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! (his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying…) I have to go now. My planet needs me.
(The animation cell with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.)
Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa: Uh, I guess...
Krusty: Poochie's dead! [laughs] [children in the audience cheer loudly] Well kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit the Poochie will never, ever, ever return!
Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
Bart: Tough break, Dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years.
Roy: Good news, everybody. I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Marge: Oh, then I guess this is good-bye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years.
Homer: Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live and learn.
[As Bart and Lisa watch the old "Itchy & Scratchy" on TV]
Bart: It's back to the basics, classic "Itchy & Scratchy."
Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years. [they both stare at the tube for a while]
Bart: What else is on? [Lisa changes the channel and the screen goes to static]