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|The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer||
- Bart: Don't worry dude, we'll hook you up with some tunes.
- All the kids on the bus (except Lisa): Old McDonald had a fart! Fart fart fart fart fart! And on his farm he had a fart! Fart fart fart fart fart!
- Otto: That's not a song! Real songs are about deals with the devil, far-off lands, and where you'd find smoke in relation to water.
- All the kids on the bus (except Lisa): The farts on the bus go round and round! *makes farting noises*
- Otto: Oh wow, this is 90% less funny than you think it is!
- (Homer and Marge are amazed at Fat Tony's home.)
- Marge: Wow, your paintings have brush marks.
- Homer: And your statues have wieners!
- Homer: (Drives up in a highly expensive van)
- Marge: Homer, where'd you get that?
- Homer: (looks embarrassed) Oh, it fell off a truck-truck.
- Bart: (Drives up in a massive car-transporter)
- Marge: Where'd you get that?
- Bart: (looks embarrassed) Oh, it fell off a truck-truck. Truck.
- (A car-transporter twice as large as the one Bart is driving pulls up behind Homer's van and Bart's vehicle.)
- (On the way to school, Otto stops the bus and offers Metallica a ride; their tour bus has broken down.)
- Otto: So what are you waiting for? Hop in.
- James Hetfield: (Chuckles) Hop in what?
- (The school bus takes off with Bart at the wheel.)
- Bart: Look at me, I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus!
- Otto: Oh, man. Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.
- (Hans Moleman slowly drives by in a pickup truck, with Metallica and their gear in the bed of the truck.)
- Kirk Hammett: Hey, loser, we got a ride from a real fan!
- Hans Moleman: I used to sleep with Lars' grandmother.
- Robert Trujillo: Never listen to our music again!
- (Hans Moleman pulls away as Metallica plays an instrumental from the song, "Master of Puppets.")
- (Bart, Legs, and Louie pay a visit to Krusty the Clown at Krusty Burger.)
- Bart: Krusty, Fat Tony hasn't received his weekly payment for keeping McDonald's and Burger King out of town.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, I'm a little short this week. Could I just pay you $5 to keep out Hardee's?
- (Fat Tony drives the school carpool home.)
- Fat Tony: Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
- (Milhouse holds up two binders.)
- Milhouse: Garfield or Love Is...?"
- Fat Tony: Uh, I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.
- (Michael and Fat Tony invite the Simpson family over for dinner.)
- Marge: We'd love to! You know, I've never met your wife.
- Fat Tony: Sadly, my Anna Maria was whacked by natural causes.
- Marge: Oh, you're a widower.
- Fat Tony: I bring flowers to her grave every Sunday.
- Marge: Ooh, flowers every week! I wish I was dead.
- (Homer tastes one of Michael's soufflés.)
- Homer: Mmm. Oh, this must be what angels taste like!
- (Nelson finds out that Michael's father is Fat Tony.)
- Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? (Laughs nervously) Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? (Laughs nervously) Oh, fun is so fun. (Laughs nervously) There is no Mafia! (pulls his shirt over his face.) Columbus Day is better than Christmas.
- Louie: Hey, can we go by the Lexus place? I wanna test drive that new Hybrid.
- Johnny: You are a hybrid. Half idiot, half moron.
- Louie: Whoa! Where did that come from, whoa!
- (In her car, Marge picks up Milhouse for school.)
- Milhouse: I brought my own car seat. Look! (straps himself in.) Hey, Lisa, my safety bar matches your eyes. (laughs)
- Lisa: Eww! There's a triple A battery in my macaroni and cheese.