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The Otto Show |
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- Homer: I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts and it never hurt me.
- (Marge's voice has been drowned out by a prolonged beep)
- Homer: I hear you. come on boy!
- Skinner: Let me in! Let me IN!
- Ralph: He steps on the clutch, and the toilet goes flush! Hail to the--
- Skinner: SHUT UP!!!
- (Otto's residence. He cannot open his front door, oblivious to his surrounding.)
- Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
- Otto: Hey landlord, some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an evicti
- Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
- Otto: You? But, why?
- Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
- Otto: Well, can I at least get my stuff?
- Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Psycho magazines.
- Otto: (astonished) Wow... I had mustard?
- Marge: Otto, you can't watch TV all day.
- Otto: You're right. I should do some reading. You got any "Where's Waldo" books?
- Marge: No.
- Otto: How 'bout anything written from the vampire's point of view?
- Marge: No.
- Otto: How 'bout anything where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?
- Marge: Otto, I think you should get a job.
- Otto: The only job I was good at was driving a bus, and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.
- Marge: So get that piece of paper!
- Otto: I tried. Oh, Lord, how I did try!
(Otto stops.)
- Homer's Head: I want some peanuts.
- Homer: That's better.
- Patty: My name is Patty. I will be testing you. When you're doing good, I use the green pen. When you're doing bad I use the red pen. Any questions?
- Otto: Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open minded.
- Patty drops green pen.
- Patty: I won't be needing this.
- Homer: Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!



- Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
- Otto: Wow! What's the catch?
- Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
- Marge: What conversation?
- Bart: (on tape) Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants? (impression of Marge) He sure can!
- Homer: Marge! What were you thinking?
- Marge: That's not my voice!
- Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
- Marge: I know we didn't ask for this Homer, but doesn't the Bible say "Whatsoever you do unto the least of my brothers, that you do unto Me?"
- Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say "Thou shalt not take...moochers into thine...hut."
- (Otto is preparing for his driver's test)
- Otto: "Alcohol increases your ability to drive" (turns the pages of his study guide): "False"?! Aw, man!

- Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good real fast, or POW!
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
- (Principal Skinner's office; Otto is under arrest for reckless driving.)
- Skinner: Oh, it's a miracle no one was hurt!
- Otto: Oh, I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality!
- Lou: Let’s see your license, pal.
- Otto: No can do. Never got one.
- [Skinner palms his forehead]
- Otto: But if you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. [Checks his undies] Oh wait, these aren't mine.
- Skinner: Well, that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
- Otto: Who's gonna drive the bus?!
- Skinner: I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. [Stands up] I think I can handle it.
- Nelson: Hey Simpson, what are you trying to play?
- Bart: Polly-Wally-Doodle.
- Nelson: Oh yeah, well it sounds Polly-Wally-Crappy.
- Martin: Although I'm sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus-mates, I
- Otto: Uh oh, better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
- Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
- Otto: Uh, well, then just try to go limp.
- Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but...I'll do it!

- Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
- Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
- Otto: I don't know about this, Bart dude. Your dad's right, I am a bum.
- Bart: He didn't call you a bum. He called you a sponge.
- Otto: SPONGE?! (Punches wall) I'll show him what this sponge can do!

- Spinal Tap: I just walked out there and there’s puddles of water all over the freakin’ stage.
- Rock Fan: Huh, I don’t want to lie to you boys. Six days a week this place is a hockey rink.
- Spinal Tap: Yeah, well this is a rock concert, not the bleeding...splish splash show.
- (Homer is waiting outside to use the bathroom)
- Homer: Open up! Open up! I gotta go, and no foolin'!
- (Otto comes out of the bathroom)
- Otto: Hey, Poppin' Fresh! (pokes Homer's belly): Uh, you're supposed to giggle.
- (Homer growls angrily)
- Kent Brockman: Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute." So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporter’s opinion, the answer, sadly, is 'yes'.
- Bart: Mom, I want to be a rockstar.
- Marge: Hmmmmm we'll discuss it later. Is Milhouse okay?
- Homer: Uh, I'll be right back....
- Milhouse: (at the arena lying under a pile of folding chairs) Help! Help!
- Homer [singing as the SWAT Team has gathered outside the arena to dispel the riot]: There was a little Spanish flea. A record star he thought he'd be. He heard of singers like Beatles, The Chipmunks he'd seen on TV. Why not a little Spanish flea? And so he hid inside a dog...
- Marge: I don't understand. Why don't you stay with your parents?
- Otto: Oh, The Admiral and I don't get along.
- Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go.
- Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not going to work for you.
- Homer: Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating, collect-call-getting sponge! I want you out of my house!
- Bart: Rough day, Apu? Help me a Squishee and don't spare the syrup.
- Apu: Oh, perhaps you would like to try an experimental flavor of my own concoction. A delicious Chutney Squishee.
- Bart: Oh... okay. (slurps, then stops as he finds it disgusting)
- Apu: You can really taste the chutney!
- Bart: I didn't know you could play the guitar, Otto Mann.
- Otto: Hey, that's all I ever did in high school. My old man said I was wasting my time and I'd never amount to anything. (laughs, then stops when he realizes that his father may have had a good point)
- Homer: Boy, some of the best times I’ve ever had were in the back seat of a car.
- (Otto returns to take his driver's test, energized by the anger that came with realizing that Homer called him a "sponge" and not a "bum")
- Patty: Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Washout.
- Otto: I want to take the test again!
- Patty: Why?
- Otto: So I can staple my license on Homer Simpson's big bald head!
- Patty: (changes her demeanor upon hearing this) Really! (hands Otto the test paper): Well, here's your written test. (whispering): I'll getcha started: B, C, D, A, B...
- (During the driving test:)
- Otto: Homer had a piece of food stuck to his face for three days!
- (Patty laughs)
- Otto: And it wasn't little either, it was a chicken wing!
- Patty: (Laughing.) Wing!