Simpsons Wiki
Treehouse of Horror XII
The Parent Rap
Homer the Moe
Homer: Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600.
Moe: Really?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: (points a gun at Homer) All right, hand 'em over.
Homer: Moe, what the...
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

Homer: Say, is that our house!?
Bart: I don't think our house has a steeple.
Homer: Oh yeah. I forget things sometimes.

Judge Harm: Grand theft auto?
Bart: It was an accident, ma'am!
Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting!
Homer: (angrily) What did she say about cupcakes?

Bart [to Ned]: You there! Put your hands up!
Ned: Me? Okay.
Bart: Now, drop your pants!
Ned: But my hands are up!
Bart: Hula out of them!
Ned: Alright, officer. [hulas out of his pants]

Judge Harm: Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H.
Bart: I'm a latchkey kid.
Lisa: You are not!
Bart: Yes I am!

Bart: Come on, Dad. I got to go to the bathroom.
Homer: Oh, I just got comfortable! Use the bottle.
Marge: No, I don't want you using the bottle. That's what hobos do.
Bart: Come on, Homer!
Homer: No!
Bart: Mom!
Marge: Aw geez, Homer, just take him to the bathroom.
Homer: Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!

Bart: The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity?
Homer: (laughs) Ah, son, you know that's none of your business.

[When Homer is being fitted for the tether]
Officer: Sir, you are not a size 4.
Homer: I used to be! (starts crying)

Judge Harm: You have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision!
Homer: I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair?
Judge Harm: Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.
Homer: It won't?

Homer: I love our court days.
Marge: It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.

Milhouse: If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast.
Bart: Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste.
Milhouse: Ew, saltines!

Judge Harm: (to Bart) According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?
Homer: Uh, your honor? I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Price Patrol.
Judge Harm: You abandoned your son to win forty dollars!?
Homer: And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion (takes out the medallion) Cool.
Judge Harm: And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
Homer: Your honor, if I may sing a little bit of, "Don't Fear The Reaper", I think you'll agree that--
Judge Harm: I'm familiar with B.O.C.!

(Homer, who's tethered to Bart, enters Moe's.)
Moe: Hey, hey, no kids in the bar!
Homer: Since when?
Moe: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.

[Lisa comments on Homer being tethered to Bart]
Lisa: Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman.
[Scene shows Bill Clinton trying to put mail in the Simpsons' mailbox]
Bill Clinton: Dang magazines!

Judge Harm: That quilt was made by my grandmother Catherine!
Homer: So... it cost you nothin'.
Judge Harm: Shut. Up. You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm going to have you two locked up until frogs do fractions.
Bart: Your Honor, may I say something?
Judge Harm: Well, it is highly unorthodox, so no.
Bart: Please, your Honor?
Judge Harm: Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind of me when I was a little boy.
Bart: Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it will be because of my Mom and Dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will.
Lisa: [tearfully] That's my brother.
Snake: Did she say she used to be a dude?

Kirk Van Houten: Judge, please don't send my boy to juvie. He's just weak, both morally and in the upper body.

Judge Harm: I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
Homer: Tethered?
Judge Harm: Tethered. Report to room 5.
Homer: Room 5?

[Marge has cut the tether and triggered the alarm and Judge Harm's image appears out of the tether]
Judge Harm: That's right it's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics.
Homer: Hey, hey, hey, h-how about that? Huh, huh?
Judge Harm: Quiet, tubsy. You violated my order.
Homer: But Constance, it only happened because..
Judge Harm: Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway.

Milhouse: [to Bart] If we're late for school, we'll miss our free Federal breakfast.
Bart: Big deal, it's just saltines and fig paste.
Milhouse: Ew, saltines?

Coach [at the "Promising Young Athletes Picnic"]: And that's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy?

Chief Wiggum: [after he catches Bart and Milhouse in the police cruiser] All right, you two are under arrest for joyriding. You have the right to remain, um, uh ... [looks at the teleprompter] silent? That doesn't sound right.

[When Homer goes to school with Bart]
Mrs. Krabappel: Today, we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives.
Homer: Bor-ring!
Mrs. Krabappel: Mr. Simpson, I'm trying to teach.
Homer: Come on, these kids are never going to use that stuff.
Mrs. Krabappel: Will you please just go back to sleep?
Homer: Fine. [curls up on the floor and starts snoring. Bart puts one of his sneakers in Homer's mouth to muffle his snoring]
Mrs. Krabappel: All right, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
Homer: [stars screaming in his sleep]
Mrs. Krabappel: What's wrong with him now, Bart?
Bart: Night terrors, ma'am.
Homer: [in his sleep] [screams] Cobras!

[When the Simpsons watch Channel 6 News]
Kent Brockman: There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: Punish the parents.
Homer: Yeah, it's about time. [looks at the tether on him] Oh.
Judge Harm: Kids are running wild, Kent, and I blame Mr. and Mrs. Never-spank.
Kent Brockman: [looks to the camera] Uh, oh, we'll have to bleep their names.
Judge Harm: You'll bleep nothing! Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope! [holds up a tether and snaps it]
Marge: Well, you can tell she's never had kids. Look how high and firm her breasts are.
Lisa: Granted, but you gotta admit constant supervision has been good for Bart. He might even make the honor roll if Dad can control his night terrors.
Homer: Well, that's a pretty big "if," honey.

[When Marge and Homer are trying to make love]
Bart: Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework.
Homer: Uh, son, it's a little chilly. Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head. [wraps the blanket around Bart’s head]
Marge: Oh, Homey, no; we can't.
Homer: Well, what's the…what's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that animal channel.
Marge: I don't want him to see us ... expressing our love.
Homer: Why not? Kids are very visual these days.

Judge Harm: [to Homer and Marge] You two need to wake up and smell the java. And the first step is to admit that you're bad parents.
Homer: I admit it.
Marge: Homer, no, we're not bad parents.
Judge Harm: Yes you are.
Marge: No we're not. And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully.
Judge Harm: You do, huh?
Marge: You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids.
Homer: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately.
Marge: I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents, and there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiberoptics to make me say we are.
Judge Harm: [contemplating] Hmm ...
[Scene shows Homer and Marge walking out of the courtroom with wooden stocks on their necks and hands]
Marge: She's such a butthole.

[Lisa watches Homer and Marge try to wash the dishes and then turns to Bart, who’s watching wrestling on TV and drinking soda]
Lisa: Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble, yet Mom and Dad are being punished?
Bart: No, it's terrible. [loudly slurps his soda]
Lisa: Well, why don't you do something about it?
Bart: After wrestling.
TV Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing. Dr. Bonebreak just married Rumblelina, and they're already whaling on each other! [the TV shows a wrestling couple attacking each other with folding chairs]
Lisa: When are you going to start taking responsibility for your actions?
Bart: If I felt like it.
Lisa: You're not even listening.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Ugh! [walks off]

Homer: [to Marge] You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say, "bad." It could be, "negligent," or, "unfit," or, "drugged-up" ...
Marge: I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle, and I need you to support me in this. [Homer and Marge look at each other]
Homer: You're right. It's time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.

[Homer and Marge look for Judge Harm's house]
Homer: This address must be wrong.
Marge: No. No, there it is. [points to a houseboat docked behind a chain-link fence]
Homer: She lives in a houseboat!? Wow, she's so cool!
Marge: We hate her, Homer.
Homer: I know, I know, fight the power. [puts his fist up]

Judge Snyder: Well, I'm back from vacation.
Judge Harm: But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official.
Judge Snyder: Sorry, I've already put my clown down. [indicates his clown figurine]
Judge Harm: But I was just going to…
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.

Marge: [to the family] All right, we got lucky that time, but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year.

Season 12 Season 13 Quotes Season 14
Treehouse of Horror XIIThe Parent RapHomer the MoeA Hunka Hunka Burns in LoveThe Blunder YearsShe of Little FaithBrawl in the FamilySweets and Sour MargeJaws Wired ShutHalf-Decent ProposalThe Bart Wants What it WantsThe Lastest Gun in the WestThe Old Man and the KeyTales from the Public DomainBlame it on LisaWeekend at Burnsie'sGump RoastI Am Furious (Yellow)The Sweetest ApuLittle Girl in the Big TenThe Frying GamePoppa's Got a Brand New Badge