Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
Bart: Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days.
Marge: Uh huh, that explains the flags. What about the dog food?
Bart: My theory is, Skinner likes dog food.
Marge [annoyed murmur]: Let's bake him a cake.
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls! Mmm... [Homer eats the meatballs made of dog food]
Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.
Homer: [In his mind, after Skinner says he's a fraud] Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.
Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
Skinner/Armin: But they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Real Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp I was sold to China for slave labor. Since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Huhan.
Marge: That's not a funny story.
Real Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.
Chalmers: Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal?
Real Skinner: Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified.
Chalmers: Good enough.
Skinner/Armin: (regarding Agnes) Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me.
Real Skinner: That's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin.
Skinner/Armin: They gave me a choice — jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Now of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.
Real Skinner: I must say, in many ways Springfield really beats the old slave-labor camp.
Skinner/Armin: (in monotonous voice) Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capitol City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six. Count 'em. Six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and catcalls. Yowza, yowza.
Homer: Hey everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back and he's gonna take over the school again!
[the crowd chatters with surprise at seeing Skinner/Armin return to Springfield]
Mayor Quimby: Now hold on, Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
Homer: All right, all right, so he's a fraud. I don't care, his mom doesn't care, do any of you care?
[he crowd mutters amongst themselves]
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner, this is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life for you people! Aren't I at least entitled to a little dignity?