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Chief Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. (checks it and sees that there are 75 messages) Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? (deletes them)

Chief Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. (flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin dressed like a hippie, with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth) While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. (lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich; the crowd gasps) That's right, she's got the (air quotes) munchies for a California Cheeseburger.

"Sand" movie narrator: So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields, think where we'd be without sand!
"Sand" movie choir: Sand! Sand! Sand! (The film shows a graphic of sand falling into spelling "The End" as a trumpet fanfare plays.)
Miss Hoover: (turning on the lights) OK, that was the "Sand" movie. (Moves over to the projector, which has the "Sand" movie reel still spinning) Now it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie. (Takes the reel of film off the projector and puts it under the projector's table)
Lisa: Oh. (raises her hand) Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?
Miss Hoover: (uninterested) Probably. (Switches the lights off, switches on the projector and leans back against the wall. The new movie is "The Moon of Earth", a black and white thing that clearly looks quite bad.)
(The graphic reads "MONOTONE PICTURES Presents". There is a small copyright symbol 1952 in the lower right corner.)
(The graphic now shows a picture of the moon with a rocket next to it. The title reads "The Moon of Earth".)
Narrator: (The graphic now shows a model of the Moon, twitching from side to side, hanging from a very visible piece of string.) The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? (The filmstrip now shows a man seated at a desk with a microphone on it. There is a 44-star US flag on the wall behind him, and he is surrounded by journalists in hats. One is shown to be carrying a camera.) Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
Adlai Stevenson: (into microphone) I have no objection to man walking on the moon. (The journalists produce cameras and photograph Stevenson, whilst others scribble about what he has said, to great clamour.)
Narrator: (as the camera pans over a city that really looks like something out of Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers. Outside, we see a boy and a girl throwing a ball between each other, a woman using a one-armed bandit from a row of them, and a man sitting by a lunar crater, fishing.) By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. (The fishing father winds his rod in, drawing out a woman in a skimpy alien costume that seems typical of the period; she winks at the camera as he looks excited, also looking at the camera. The screen now shows a graph, comparing the gravities of planet Earth and the Moon; it shows that if one weighs 175lbs on Earth, they would weigh 25lbs on the Moon. It is copyrighted 1952, property of the U.S. Department of the Moon) Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth. (Now we see a fat boy, sitting at a kitchen table, working his way through a pie.) Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet! (The fat boy stops eating, hears and looks sad. Now we see the moon again.) The moon belongs to America (The moon is overlaid by an American flag; the film wobbles for a second, indicating a possible problem with the projector, before it stabilises and the moon vanishes), and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. (The camera pans out to show three men in spacesuits, which look fake, like period science fiction costumes.) Will you be among them? (A trumpet is played over a graphic of a planet with "The End" written on it. The picture then breaks, before quickly scrolling "Moon of Earth", scrawled on by the producers. Even though the film has finished, the projector is still running. Lisa turns around, wondering why the projector is still running.)
Ralph: (raises his hand) Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
Lisa: (as the lights turn on; it shows that Miss Hoover is nowhere to be seen) Where's Miss Hoover?
Janey: (as the blind is drawn; looks out the window) Hey, her car's gone.
Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.

(in Principal Skinner's office)
Lisa: (to Principal Skinner, who is digging through a filing cabinet) It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of (looks irked) magazine time. (defeatedly) I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: (sits down at his desk; seeming uninterested) Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
(Lisa groans.)

Bart: (on megaphones) Testing. (Echoing)

(At the Simpson house, in the aftermath of Bart's megaphone prank)
Homer: (yelling over the loud ringing) You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: (to Chief Wiggum) When do you expect the ringing will stop?!
Chief Wiggum: (looks at his watch) In about 10 to 15 seconds!
Marge: I certainly hope so! (The ringing stops abruptly, and Marge realizes she's still yelling and puts her hand to her mouth) Ooh! That's better. (Maggie, who just used two pacifiers as earplugs, takes them off, and shows an expression of relief.)
Marge: (to Bart) Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: (remorsefully) I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did. (starts to leave)
Homer: (stops him) Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
Bart: You're the boss. (heads to the garage)

Chief Wiggum: Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. (smugly) Now he owns and operates a famous cave.

Bart: (chokes) Military school?! You lied to me!
Homer: (chuckles) Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, (sternly) "military school".

Marge: It certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart: Freak-outs?

(When the commandant shows the Simpsons a classroom)
Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Bart: Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
Homer: Let go of my leg.
Bart: (madly) No!
Homer: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
Lisa: And so am I. (everyone else gasps) This school has everything I ever wanted.
Marge: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
Bart: No jail can hold me. (runs off, only to be returned by the school M.P.s a few seconds later)

Commandant: (to Lisa) Let's go over this one more time just to make sure I understand the situation. (Clears Throat) You're a girl.
Lisa: Yes.
Commandant: Oh, gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. (Clears Throat) You're a girl!?
Lisa: All I want is a chance to prove myself.
Commandant: Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Hmm... but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days! After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard! (he salutes her and she salutes him back)

Marge: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
Bart: I want to quit and come home! (pause) I want to quit and come home!
Marge: (kissing him goodbye) Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

Commandant: (marching down the bed row) Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so there are going to be a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
Franklin: (in a very effeminate voice) Well, we'll see about that.
Commandant: Second of all, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L.
Cadet: Company L? But they smell!
Commandant: (annoyed) Yes, we've all heard the chant... Now fall out!

Cadet: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
Lisa: Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
(The cadets talk amongst themselves)
Cadet: No.

Bart: Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I believe in!

Instructor (to Bart): Since you've already attended public school, we're assuming you've already had experience with small arms. So, we're gonna give you something... a little more advanced. (Hands Bart a grenade launcher)
Bart: Wow.
(Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last rocket flies off into the distance)
Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
Bart: (slyly) Did I?
(Cut to Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car.)
Nelson: (from the school's second floor window) Ha ha!

Commandant: Lights out! (The lights go out and a thump is heard) Ow! Damn it! Lights on! Lights on! (The lights come on, showing that the Commandant has walked into a foot locker which is now skewwhiff. The Commandant himself is hopping on his right foot, showing that he caught his left foot on the foot locker.) Lights out, lights out. (The lights go out as he hops out through the door.)

Lisa: Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Bart: But if you quit, it would be like an expert knot-tyer quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
Lisa: Why did you say that?
Bart: I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'll stick by you.
Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
Bart: Then I'll stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that...
Lisa: (annoyed) Will you stop looking at your feet!?

Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
Bart: (to Lisa; quietly) My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

Lisa: (reading a note from Bart) "Meet me at "the Eliminator" after lights out. P.S., (face falls) The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Ohhh ... (holds her tray up just in time to deflect meatballs coming at her.)

Lisa: (On "The Eliminator") If only I was back in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on! Oh, God, I'm delirious.

(After conquering "The Eliminator.")
Lisa: You thought I couldn't do it but I could, I did, and I could do it again! Let's do it again!

Cadet #2: We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.
Leader: But graduation's in 3 hours.
Anderson: We'd better go change!

Homer: Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
Bart: Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
Marge: Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence.
Homer: Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence.


Season 7 Season 8 Quotes Season 9
Treehouse of Horror VIIYou Only Move TwiceThe Homer They FallBurns, Baby BurnsBart After DarkA Milhouse DividedLisa's Date with DensityHurricane NeddyEl Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)The Springfield FilesThe Twisted World of Marge SimpsonMountain of MadnessSimpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-ciousThe Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie ShowHomer's PhobiaBrother from Another SeriesMy Sister, My SitterHomer vs. the Eighteenth AmendmentGrade School ConfidentialThe Canine MutinyThe Old Man and the LisaIn Marge We TrustHomer's EnemyThe Simpsons Spin-Off ShowcaseThe Secret War of Lisa Simpson
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