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Chris: Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation. The priorities are always creative and not driven by marketing...
Stewie: Okay, that's enough.

Brian: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
Peter: What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy over somethin' small and stupid.

Lois: Peter, we've been driving all night. Pull over to that gas station. We can use the bathroom and stretch out legs.
Peter: You got it, babe.
Lois: Did you call me babe?
Peter: I did.
Lois: Oh, Peter.
(Peter and Lois start kissing and Meg gets disgusted)
Meg: Ew, Mom.
Peter: You'll never have this, Meg.

Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Steiwe: Springfield, eh? What state?
Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.

Homer: (offscreen) I'll pay for those donuts.
(A man who appears to be Homer at first, but is actually someone who has nothing to do with anything, dramatically reveals himself, stepping out from a dark corner of the room)
Lois: Thank you so much, sir.
Homer-Lookalike: For what? I didn't say anything.
Lois: Oh.
Homer: (offscreen) It was me.
(The real Homer Simpson reveals himself)
Stewie: How come this convenience store has so many shadowy parts?

Peter: Mmmm, yummy. Donut.
Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmmm ... donut.
Peter: Mmmm ... donut.
Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along just okay.

Lois: Oh, thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
Homer: And now this again. You bring home two bands of hippie murderers, and suddenly that's all you're about.

Bart: Got kicked out of camp. I superglued my counselor's butt cheeks together.
Marge: That's terrible. But how did you even get access to his butt cheeks?
Bart: I'm not the only one who got kicked out of camp.

Marge: This is Bart. Honey, your hands are filthy. Go wash up for lunch.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Stewie: Eat my shorts. I love that! Is that a popular expression? Like, "What the Deuce?"
Brian: Probably more popular. Probably... Probably way more popular.

Bart: Hey, do you wanna make a prank phone call?
Stewie: Ooh! Prank phone call!
(phone rings)
Moe: Hello, this is Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Keebum, first name Lee.
Moe: Eh, hang on, let me check. Uh, hey, guys, do I got a Lee Keebum? C'mon look at the stools. Uh, is there a Leigh Kebum? Uh, somebody check the rear. I know I got a Lee Keebum.
Barney: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food.
(Everybody laughs)
Stewie: Oh, my God! That's amazing, that's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want to try.
Bart: Okay.
Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped! Is that...? Is that one?

Meg: Look at all these trophies. There must be like 20 of them.
Lisa: 23, but I'm sure you have a lot of trophies of your own.
Meg: No, I'm not good at anything.
Lisa: Oh, Meg, I'm sure you're good at something. We just have to find out what it is. After all, Nelson Mandella said it's our obligation to shine.
Meg: You mean like my oily face and back?
Lisa: No, maybe don't sit on my bedspread, please. But I mean the light within you that makes you an individual. Meg, you need to know that you matter.
Meg: Really? No one's ever told me I mattered before.
Lisa: That's why you have to say it. So say it.
Meg: I matter.
Lisa: Louder!
Meg: I matter!
Peter: (Offscreen) Shut up, Meg! You don't matter!

Maggie: (pacifier suck)
(Chris sees Maggie's pacifier and yanks it out of her mouth and puts it into his own)
Maggie: Whaaaaaa! Squeeeeaaaal! Whaaaaaa!
(Maggie yanks her passy back from Chris)
Chris: Whaaaaaaaaa!!!
(Maggie gives another passy to Chris)
Chris: (pacifier suck)

Homer: I bet you and me could find your car on our own.
Peter: You think so?
Homer: Yeah, 'cause Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are a great team.
Peter: A greater team than...
Homer: Than...
Peter: Yeah, keep goin'. Than... somethin' else?
Homer: Something else? I don't know what this is.
Peter: Ugh. O-O-Okay, I'll do it. Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are an even greater team than the air force.
(A fantasy of Homer and Peter in the air force begins)
Peter: Hold steady, I've got 'em in my sights.
(Peter shoots down the enemy plane)
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Peter: Yea-heh-heah!
(Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers appears in the plane)
Bob: Yeah, we did it.
Homer: What's he doing here?
Peter: Oh, we gotta carry 'im 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try, and look what happened.
(Cleveland Brown from The Cleveland Show is seen in a crashing plane)
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, nooooo!

Jeremy: Welcome to Krusty Burger, may I take your order?
Chris: Your voice sounds stupid!

Nelson: Hey, loser, I copied off your spelling test and got a D.
(Nelson punches Bart in the stomach)
Nelson: Ha, ha!
Stewie: I say, how long has that boy been treating you like that?
Bart: Uhh. About 24 years.

Homer: Alright, Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we gotta think like a car. So, let's fill up at the gas station.
(Homer and Peter are drinking gasoline from the gas pumps)
Peter: I feel sick.
Homer: Keep drinking. I prepaid 40 bucks!
Peter: Uh, Homer, maybe we're doing this wrong.
(They see a woman putting the gas pump into the hole of the rear of her car)
Peter: Oh, crap.
(Cutaway to a German adult video store called "Video Erötich")
Video Erötich Customer: Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Rough English translation: "Have you got Homer and Peter with a Chevron pump?")
(Clerk points to a shelf of porn videos, with Homer and Peter, with the gas pumps called "Gassensexen")

Marge: Hey, where's Santa's Little Helper? Brian, you took him for a walk, right?
Brian: Uh, yeah, yeah. (chuckles) More-more like he took me for a walk. (chuckles) God, what a what a fun dog. He's in the kitchen right now, totally accounted for.
Chris: (quietly) Shut up.
Brian: I'll, uh I'll go check on him right now and Chris will come with me. But nobody else!
(Brian and Chris go into the kitchen)
Brian: (Offscreen) Ruff! Ruff, ruff! Ah, there he is! (Onscreen) Aw, you like that behind the ear, don't you, boy?
Chris: Uh... Ruff, ruff! I'm another dog in here!
Brian: (quietly): What the hell are you doing?
Chris: (quietly): He's having a doggy playdate.
Brian: How does that help us?
Chris: We're creating a broad story. Also, Matthew McConaughey is in here, too! "All right, all right, all right."
Brian: (Offscreen) No, no, he's-he's not really in here! He's We-we thought it was him, but it was just the oven! (Onscreen; quietly) Now you're just doing voices.
Chris: Jack Nicholson?!

Peter: Now, Homer, thanks for helping me get my car back and to show my appreciation, I got a little something for you. Here you go.
(Peter gives Homer a beer)
Peter: Pawtucket Patriot Ale. The best Quahog has to offer. Always keep an emergency six-pack in my trunk.
Moe: Oh, that's cool. Bringing outside beer into my bar.
Homer: Down the hatch!
(Homer drinks the beer)
Peter: That's pretty good, right?
Homer: No.
Peter: Huh?
Homer: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy rip-off.
Peter: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not a rip-off of Duff. It may have been inspired by Duff, but I-I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe: Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this.
(Moe rips the label off of the beer bottle, revealing it to really be Duff under there)

(Cleveland and Carl are next to each other in court)
Cleveland: You know why they got us sitting next to each other.
Carl: Uh, 'cause we're the two funniest guys in our towns?
Cleveland: Damn right.

Meg: Thanks for being so cool, Lisa. I cut your name in my arm so I'll always remember you.
Lisa: Ugh. Meg, I want you to have this.
(Lisa gives Meg her saxophone)
Meg: Your saxophone?
Lisa: Yes, Meg. When you played the saxophone, I could feel you soul coming out. So, I want you to take this and shine.
Meg: Lisa, no one has ever done anything this nice for me. You're amazing, and I will never be like you. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not talented. I have the same shoe size as Charles Barkley. My prom date was a scarecrow I stole, and he left with someone else. The inside of my hat smells so bad I'm not allowed in most restaurants...
Lisa: Hey, hey! Shut up, Meg.

(Homer attempts to strangle Peter. Peter slaps his face making him let go of his neck. He coughs)
Peter: Ow! What the hell? That really hurts!
Homer: No it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time.
Peter: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
Homer: That's your son!

(Homer starts throwing Emmy awards at Peter)
Peter: Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!

Kodos: Perfect, the earthlings are destroying themselves.
(Roger Smith from American Dad! appears)
Roger: Yeah, it's really great. Isn't it, guys? (to the audience) We went to summer camp together.

Homer: Say hi to Maude Flanders.
Peter: No, you say hi to Muriel Goldman.

Peter: Hey, listen, I... I'm sorry we fought. I just wanted to make you laugh and cry. You see, I'm a Family Guy.
Homer: I understand. I'm a The Simpsons.
Peter: Look, even if we don't work as best pals, I respect you.
Homer: You too. Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other.
Peter: With a pile of garbage between us.
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