Troy McClure: "Spinoff!" Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. [begins walking] You may remember me from such TV spinoffs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "AfterMannix." I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television with a real treat for "Simpsons" fans if any because tonight we present, "The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase!"
Troy McClure: The Fox Network needs 35 shows to fill a few holes in their programming lineup. [presents a schedule chart that's actually more holes than lineup] That's a pretty daunting task -- and the producers weren't up to it. Instead, they churned out three "Simpsons" spinoffs, transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations. First up, a gritty crime drama starring Springfield's beloved Police Chief Wiggum. Keep at least one eye open because his best friends, the Simpsons, just might pop in to wish him luck. Let's us wish him luck too. Good luck, Wiggum! [salutes]
Chief Wiggum: Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls. Two, I suppose.
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You wear 'em until you learn, son.
Principal Skinner: Looks like you got an enemy, Chief. You know, folks here don't much care for law and order types.
Chief Wiggum: [picks the skull up with a pencil] Is that right? Maybe they'll change their minds once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor. [puts the skull on his desk, dumps two fistfuls of pencils in the eye sockets, and leans back to admire his decorating skills]
Chief Wiggum: So Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window. What's the word on the streets?
Principal Skinner: Well, to be honest Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years. Although according to an article I read in "Parade" magazine...
Chief Wiggum: Uh-huh.
Principal Skinner: ... a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.
Chief Wiggum: "Big Daddy," eh? Well, he won't feel so big if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P. I. again. Which I sincerely doubt he will.
Principal Skinner: Big Daddy's trademark calling card -- it's right here inside the skull.
Chief Wiggum: [shakes the card out of the skull] Looks like we got our first case ever, Skinny Boy. And this time, it's personal.
Announcer: "Chief Wiggum, P. I." will return... right now!
Chief Wiggum: [picking up the phone] Who is this?
Principal Skinner: It's me, chief. I'm on the other extension.
Big Daddy: Now you listen up, mon ami, and you listen good, hear? The name's Daddy, Charles Daddy.
Chief Wiggum: Big Daddy! What have you done with my boy, Daddy?
Big Daddy: Ah, the boy is fine...so far. I taught him to play the spoons. [Ralph blissfully tries to play the spoons with his nose] If you ever want to see that boy again, I suggest you leave town today, hear? [hangs up]
Chief Wiggum: [hangs up] Sounds like there was some kind of party going on in the background. Are there any parties today, Skinner?
Principal Skinner: Eh. Not really a party town. Though if I remember correctly they occasionally a function called Marty's ... something.
Chief Wiggum: Well, if it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges!
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop!
Chief Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of 6 and 10, thinning hair?
Ralph: Look, Big Daddy, it's regular daddy.
Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
Big Daddy: Welcome to my maison, Chief. I've been expecting you.
Chief Wiggum: Is that so, Big Daddy? Well expect this: [draws gun] The arrest of you, by me. Big Daddy: New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting.
Principal Skinner: Oh yeah? That makes two of us.
Big Daddy: You know, boys, there's an old saying down on the bayou that, uh, blah! [throws Ralph at Wiggum and Skinner]
Principal Skinner: [about Big Daddy] He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, let him go. I have the feeling we'll meet again, each and every week. Always in more sexy and exciting ways.
Ralph: Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.
Principal Skinner: Better start eating, kid.
Chief Wiggum: Start eating! [laughs]
Ralph: I didn't mean it that way. [laughs]
Troy McClure: Oh, hi! Welcome back to our spinoff showcase. Could "The Simpsons" ever have maintained its popularity without Moe the bartender? Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom. But don't panic, he's taking a familiar sidekick with him. And his best friend Homer might just stop by to wish him luck. Let's take a peek!
Barney: [finishing up his beer] Well, I gotta go. I got a date with the lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things. [leaves]
Moe: She told me she was washing her hair tonight. [sighs] I'm so desperately lonely.
Grampa: [voice only] Ah, quit your bellyaching, you big loser.
Moe: Who said that?
Grampa: I did! It's me, Abe Simpson.
Moe: But you're d-d-d-dead!
Grampa: I died, but I've came back as your love-testing machine. I'm the Love-matic Grampa!
Grampa: Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love.
Grampa: Yeah, "All's Quiet on The Western Front."
(An Audience says "Ooh!")
Moe: Ah, kiss my dish rag.
(The audience laughs)
Grampa: See, that's your problem. You're a crab. Ladies like sweet talkers.
Moe: I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.
Grampa: Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.
(Homer enters the bar)
Homer: Hmm, greetings!
(The audience laughs and applauds)
Grampa: Son, it's me! I floated up toward Heaven but got lost along the way.
Homer: Dad, is that really you?
Grampa: Darn tootin', you lousy fink! You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son---
(Homer pulls the love tester's plug)
Homer: (leaving) Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
(Moe plugs Grampa back in)
Grampa: That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.
Moe: Sorry, Grampa, but I gotta stash ya in the bathroom so Betty won't get wise to us. [sets Grampa up between two urinals, and plugs him in]
Grampa: This is not the evening I envisioned.
Moe: Oh, jeez, she just got here. Gimme some advice, quick!
Grampa: What the...? You know, just be sweet, pour on the honey, you know...
Moe: Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. Ain't sunshine pretty, ain't flowers stupid, I got you. [heads out to meet Betty]
Grampa: [sighs] I've suffered so long, why can't I die?
Moe: You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. It's just so rare and refreshing.
Betty: So Moe, tell me a little about yourself.
Moe: Myself? Uh, uh, Geez. Um, I gotta go to the can again.
Moe: I got the runs.
[Moe sees Kearney and Dolph beating up the Love Tester]
Moe: Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone!
Kearney: It said I was gay! [Kearney and Dolph run off]
Moe: [setting up Grampa, and re-plugging him in] You all right, Grampa?
Grampa: [dazed] ... oh, Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do ...
Moe: Will you quit your clowning? I need help, here.
Grampa: [still dazed] Tell her her rump's as big as the Queen's, and twice as fragrant.
Moe: [doubtful] Okay.
[a few seconds later]
Moe: You are absolutely, positively, the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met! [pounds on Grampa]
Betty: [walks in] What is going on in here?
Moe: Um, uh, oh, oh, I might as well come clean with you. I ain't too good at talking to women and I really wanted to do you, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my friend's dead father.
Betty: [angry] Why, you conniving, devious, monstrous, despicable, [impressed] sweet little angel!
Moe: But, Betty, if you'd just give me a chance ...Whaat?
Troy McClure: Welcome back! I'm talking with the curator of the museum of TV and Television, Mr. John Winslow. [John Winslow is about to say something, but McClure gets up and leaves] In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance and refused to participate. But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice! Show us what you got, TV!
Kent Brockman: Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield, it's "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour!" featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers... [dancers dance onstage] ... and the Springfield Baggy-Pants Players ... [their photo spins onscreen] ... and now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word, "cancelled," the Simpsons!
"The Simpsons' Family Smile-Time Variety Hour" Theme Song
Family: [singing] Come along and bring the family, Come along and join the fun, Come along and join the family Join the family...Simpson! Roll Call!
Marge: Remember me, my name is Marge, [strokes hair] The TV mom whose hair is large! [holds up Maggie, who sucks her pacifier twice]
Bart: Step back, mom, it's Bart's turn now! Eat my shorts, don't have a cow!
"Lisa": I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde, and stunning! Sophomore prom queen five years running! Go-o-o-o, Lisa! [jumps and shakes her pom-poms, like a cheerleader]
[The theme song halts when Homer doesn't appear]
Bart: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa. [whistles to call the orchestra's attention] Stop the music. [they do] Where's Dad? [the Simpsons begin to look]
"Lisa": Here he is! [points to the orchestra pit, where Homer is curled up]
Homer: I'm hiding from t-t-t-the ghost!
Marge: Ghost? What ghost?
Homer: B-b-before the show you said we were having a special ghost tonight.
Marge: I said we were having a special guest tonight, Mr. Tim Conway!
Homer: What's a Tim Conway?
Tim Conway: [walks onstage] Oh, about 120 pounds.
[The song continues]
Family: [singing] It's the Simpsons Family Smile Time Variety Hooooour!
[During the "Beaver Family" skit]
Bart: Hey, could you two close the dam door?
Bart: But that's where we live. A dam.
Hans Moleman: A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [a flower wilts]
Tim Conway: [in his skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.
[The Simpsons are in a big bed]
Marge: Well, it's time to say goodnight.
Homer: I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.
Tim Conway: [pops up from under the covers] I'm still here. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.
Marge: [laughs] He's just kidding. We'd like to thank Fox and the good people at Budget Lodge. Homer: Well, that's all the time we have. So this is the Simpson family saying, as you walk down that road of life ...
Bart: Hitchhike, it's faster.
Everyone but Bart: Ba-a-r-rt!
Marge: We're like this all the time! [The Simpsons have a pillow fight and Tim Conway sneaks away.]
Troy McClure: That's it for our spinoff showcase. But what about the show that started it all? How do you keep "The Simpsons" fresh and funny after eight long years? Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. [McClure pushes a button on the remote, and we see a still shot of Homer turning Lisa into a frog] [mock-spooky] Magic powers! [McClure cycles through three pictures of Selma marrying Apu, the Bee Guy, and Itchy] Wedding after wedding after wedding. [McClure pushes the button again, and we see Bart confronting two thinly disguised variations of himself] And did someone say, "long-lost triplets?" [cut to a shot of the Simpsons] So join America's favorite TV family, [an alien appears, floating above the family] and a tiny green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer can see, on Fox this fall. It'll be out of this world! Right, Ozmodiar?