Chief Wiggum: Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Marge: Be careful! These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types!
Bart: Wow, Mom! I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before!
Homer: You've become such a cop! Not that long ago, you were so much more to me! You were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unplugger of hairy clogs!
Marge: I'm still all those things. Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric, and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
Homer: You're cooking what for dinner?
Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy I thought it'd be fun and exciting! You know, like that movie, Spaceballs! Instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy!
Homer: You being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Marge: Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend. So how are you, Ms. Krabappel?
Lisa: Mom, was catching that guy the most exciting thing you've ever done?
Marge: Well, it was pretty exciting. But celery soup's pretty exciting too!
Marge: I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
Seymour Skinner: Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it. I said she was mistaken. We quarreled. Later, as I prepared to bathe I noticed, to my horror, that someone had slashed the pillow.
Marge: Who called the police?
Seymour and Agnes Skinner: We both did.
Lionel Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
Homer: Marge! (Homer is pulled into the treehouse by Herman, Marge pursues)
Bart and Lisa: (watching from the window) Go get him mom!
Marge: Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there. (They groan, turn the light off, but continue to watch)
Herman: Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree. (aims gun at entrance)
Marge: Freeze! Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's treehouse. (knocks Herman over, disarming him)
Homer: Oh, Marge, you saved my life! I'm sorry I teased you. You are a really good cop. I'm proud of you.
Herman: So long, gotta catch the 5:01. (Uses counterfeit jeans to slide down a rope)