: Bart (telling a scary story) ...and that's how much money college will cost for Maggie.
: No... no... NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien.
Bart: And if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the FOX network.
Bart and Homer laugh.
Bart: They'll buy anything!
Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming too.
Bart and Homer laugh even harder than before.
: All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up!
Lisa Homer: Lis, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday Night Crap-O-Rama.
: La la, la la la la Mr. Burns (skips off into the woods)
: The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
Mr Burns: Yes, and now that I'm back to normal I don't bring you peace and love I bring you hate and...
Dr Nick: Time for a booster! (Jabs needle in Burns)
Mr Burns: (in happy state) Good morning starshine, the earth says hello...
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M... They all wind up the same color in the end.
Homer: Oh, Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. (pause) Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer."
Marge: I don't believe you, Homer.
Homer: You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.
Marge: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
Homer: Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night, like Urkel!
: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass... I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Chief Wiggum Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
(Homer leaves, and an arsonist enters.)
Arsonist: I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
: Have you been drinking?
Marge Homer: No! Well, ten beers.
: I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
: I'm Leonard Nimoy, goodnight, and keep watching the skis! ... I mean, skies.
: What's the point of this experiment?
Mulder : No point, I just thought he could stand to lose some weight.
Scully Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic!
Scully: (mesmerized voice) Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
Mulder: Look at this Scully. There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Dr. Nick Rivera: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...
(exhibiting a swirling mechanical device)
Dr. Nick Rivera: ...till I jam this down your throat!
Homer: I don't see any Homer is a Dope t-shirts anywhere, Lisa.
Store guy: Those were sold out five minutes ago.
Scully: This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes-or-no questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. [lie detector explodes]
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