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- (Apu is preparing a hangman's noose)
- Apu: "Over, under, round and round so your feet won't touch the ground." (He throws the noose rope over a pipe) "Now, let's see what awaits me in the next life." (He looks over a reincarnation chart) "First I was a tiger, a snake, a Clod, a goat with a hat, then me." (Looks at his next incarnations) "Hoo, a tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels! It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes."
- Homer: (to Apu) "I saw you and that Squishee Lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits!"
- (At the Civil War re-enactment)
- Principal Skinner: "Hey you dead people, stop playing cards! And Stonewall Jackson, stop rollerblading!"
- Disco Stu: "The south will boogie again!"
- Manjula: "Not tonight. I said, not tonight! Wait, something's wrong, why aren't you pressuring me for sex."
- Apu: "Oh I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you."
- Manjula: "Okay buster, what is going on."
- Apu: "Nothing. How could you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh I'm so angry I could just fall asleep."
- Homer: "Nothing, nothing, there's nothing eating me up inside."
- (Homer's eyeball is twitching and moving all over the place)
- Marge: "Oh, it must be something big. Something you did? Something you saw." (gasps) "Apu is having an affair?"
- Homer: "I know! Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula is just going to die."
- Homer: "The Squishee Lady! Oh my god. I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor."
- Squishee Lady: "Go ahead."
- Homer: "Grape."
- Apu: "Please, could you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move. Look."
- Moe: "C'mon!"
Template:Season 13 Q