Marge: I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, but first I want you to put the kids to bed.
Homer: (reading The Wizard of Oz) Everything after the tornado was a dream. The end!
Lenny: The only reason Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in on our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders, you know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown!
Boston fan 1: That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.
Moe: Ugh! Boston fans. In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.
Lenny: Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule- breaking cranberry squeezers!
Boston fan 2: We don't cheat! We won twelve division titles in ten years, fair and square!
Boston fan 1: You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings! (they start kissing their hands)
Homer: You're the one who's jealous. I only wish I could be as jealous as you!
Boston fan 1: Geez Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store. I hate this town!
Jay: So don't I. Friggin' doorknobs. (they laugh)
Boston fan 1: Automatic! (they kiss their hands again)
Announcer: Once again, the Americans found a way to win! (chuckles) that'll put a smile on Coach Bonderchuck's face!
Homer: You cheated!
Boston fan 1: Did not! You got to cover the mascot! Use your noggin, play smart. Flappy's on the roster!
All Boston fans: On the roster! On the roster! On the roster!
Homer: The next Boston fan I see, I'm just gonna lose it. Lose it so hard, and... (sees Bart wearing a Boston Americans' cap) What the!? What is... How could... That hat!! Your head! That team... My son!! (passes out)
Bart: Hey Dad! Caught the game last night. Tough loss for your guys. Guess we just wanted it more.
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, am I in the right house? Because no one in my house would ever be caught dead wearing Boston Americans gear! Dead!
Bart: I feel you, Homer. Sucks to be a loser. Unlike the six-time Mega Bowl champion Boston Americans! (kisses his hand) Ring ring ring!
Homer: (outraged) Give me that hat!
Homer: Look around, son. This is your hometown! And the Springfield Atoms are your hometown team since 2003, when we stole them in the middle of the night from Portland. What kind of life can you have here as a Boston fan? See?
Apu: Why are you wearing that Boston hat? This is Atoms country, bro!
Sideshow Mel: I would pluck out my own eyes if I did not have a call-back for a Web-only Olive Garden commercial!
Bart: They're just trying to hat shame me! Face it Dad. Boston is the Bart Simpson of cities. All those awesome Southies in The Departed, (chuckles) those are my people!
Homer: People? The dog and the baby are your people.
Bart: It all goes back to the Boston Tea Party, a prank so kick-ass it started a country!
Homer: (stops the car) Come on pal, what do you say? Just lose the hat, for your old man.
Bart: Nope! I think I'll stick with the bad boys.
Homer: Bart, you're my son. There's no neck tattoo so crass, no gender reassignment too ambiguous that I would not love you. Which is why I must show you the error of your ways, even if it means dragging this family all the way to hell. (puts airplane tickets to Boston on the table)
Marge: A vacation to Boston?
Homer: No, not a va-cation. A hate-cation! Where you experience the worst a place has to offer and then say "Told ya!"
Lisa: Hate-watching, hate-voting and now a hate-cation? Why can't everyone just enjoy things they like?
Homer: Because things you like don't fill you with delicious, delicious rage!
Bart: I'm gonna love this trip. I'm gonna love it right in your face!
Homer: That's it, build it up in your head! High hopes just make the hate-cation stronger!
Marge: You're crazy. Boston can't be that bad!
(the Family is stuck in traffic inside a tunnel)
Homer: I've never loved hating anything so much!
Townie: (cuts Homer off) Move your garbage car! I got to get to the packy before the B's drop puck! (throws a cup of coffee inside the Simpsons' car)
Homer: (to Bart) Told ya!
(a cart full of Bobbleheads fell on top of Homer)
Marge: The vibrations are killing him!
Bostonian 1: Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm a doctor!
Bostonian 2: I'm also a doctor, kid.
Marge: Hmm. So many doctors!
Bostonian 1: He'll be fine, ma'am. And because of our state's super-socialized health care, no matter how much your husband abuses his body, someone else will pay for it.
Marge: What a relief for women with hot-tempered, accident-prone husbands.
Bostonian 1: Oh ya, we got a whole surgical center for injuries from falling off icy roofs and gutters.
Homer and Marge: Ooh!
Marge: People are so fit here. Everyone looks like they're in a financial services ad. Free sunscreen!? So progressive! (to a random Bostonian) Do you vaccinate your children?
Bostonian 3: Of course!
Marge: But not stupid progressive!
Marge: (visiting MIT) So much education. If they did a Real Housewives here, it would be a total snooze.
Lisa: Ah... It's like heaven for people who don't believe in heaven.
Homer: What the crap is this BS?
Bart: What? I thought you'd want to try candlepin bowling.
(Homer tries playing candlepin bowling) None of the usual pain in my knees, back, wrist, shoulder, neck, and chest! (he tries again but leaves onepin standing) One pin standing. Story of my life.
Bostonian 4: Whoa there, pal. Don't forget your third ball.
Homer: Hold on, wait. Wait. Hold on. Wait. (brief silence) What?
Bostonian 4: This is candlepin bowling. You get three!
(Homer throws the third ball and takes down the remaining pin)
Homer: Three balls. I see it all so clearly now!
Bart: What Dad? What is it
Homer: This regional bowling with its one extra roll has knocked my misguided hate into the gutter! (kisses the ball) I like Boston!
Bart: Dad, you and me are real father-son Southies now! Just like Ben and Casey Affleck!
Homer: Son, show me everything this town has to offer!
Homer: You know, for a cake, this Boston cream pie isn't so bad!
Marge: (looking at the kids sleeping) Look at them. So innocent.
Homer: Not Bart, but go on.
Marge: Homer, I never dared dream about living somewhere that values education, with great health care, and everyone's outdoorsy but still pallid. If it weren't crazy, I'd say we should be raising our kids here. But no, no, no. That's crazy!
Homer: Is it?
Marge: (gasps) But I never thought you, of all people...
Homer: Honey, this could be the chance we never thought we'd get. The chance to knock down all of life's pins.
Marge: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Homer: I am. Fate is offering us a third ball.
Marge: Do you mean it? Are we going to move to Boston?
Homer: I knew I didn't pay this month's mortgage for a reason! (Bart and Lisa hi-five each other)
Bart: Whoa! I got to get one of those "X" necklaces to kiss!
Bart: Now to get sent to detention. That's where I'll meet my future bank-robbing crew. (he throws a bag of marbles and slingshots it in mid-air, scattering them all over the classroom and making the teacher fall) Ha! How do you like them marbles?
Teacher: Bart, we have a place for kids like you.
Bart: Bring it on.
Lisa: I've never felt more like I fit in! People think Boston's all Southies and hooligans. But it's really teachers, Ph.D. students, doctors, innovators, philanthropists! It's like living in a giant classroom, and every day is a new test!
Bart: Oh, Pauly, if you could have known that Boston was gonna turn out so wussy, you never would have warned anybody. (Bart starts hallucinating and sees Lisa's face on the statue)
Lisa: Listen my brother, and you shall see, this is a town not for you, but for me!
Bart: Hey, but what about Grampa? He lives a thousand miles away!
Homer: Great point. Nobody tell him where we went!
Lisa: No one likes feeling out of place. That's how I felt back in Springfield. But I sucked it up for eight years! (threatens Bart with a pair of shears) Now it's your turn.
Bart: It's time for me to ship out of Boston!
Homer: Ooh, a parade!
Bart: Not just any parade.
Homer: The Boston Americans?
Bart: It's a state holiday because the league overturned the coach's suspension for using magnets to affect the coin toss. Pretty cool way to celebrate our new hometown, right Dad?
Homer: (forced) As a Bostonian, I definitely support my team.
Lisa: You did this on purpose! My future is at stake.
Bart: So don't is mine.
Homer: Stupid cheaters! You cheat, you flip out when people say you cheat, and everybody knows you're nothing but a big bunch of cheaters!!
Marge: You made us leave that lovely city rather than just put on a stupid hat! It wasn't even fitted!
Homer: (sighs) I just couldn't wear the hat.
Marge: Well, I'm still mad at you! I never even got to experience one of those Boston winters everyone raves about!
Homer: Come on baby, we could never escape our problems by moving somewhere else. Our problems are who we are, not where we are.
Marge: Well... Maybe. The traffic was pretty annoying.
Homer: Not to mention the unspoken racism.
Marge: It wasn't that unspoken.
(Bart is eating breakfast with a Springfied Atoms' cap)
Homer: At least someone in this family is happy about where they came from. (Lisa enters the room)
Marge: Oh, don't worry Lisa. You'll get back to Boston someday.
Lisa: What are you talking about? I never left! I'm in Boston now.