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The Wandering Juvie |
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- Homer: It's not all your fault. All these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim. Of you!
- Mayor Quimby: [To a young woman he is with] Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Young Woman: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
- Mayor Quimby: [horrified with self] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
- Homer: I believe that children are our future... unless we stop them now!
- Chief Wiggum: Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes, cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. You'll have great bod though, and a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool.
- Gina: There's something I have to tell you guys.
- Officer Lou: I... look, my fly is down 'cause it's broken, okay?
- Gina: No, it's something else.
- Ralph Wiggum: [to Marge while she's crying] Your eyes need diapers.
- Chief Wiggum: [to himself] "Your eyes need di-" [and then to Ralph after finding it amusing] That's a good one, Ralphie.
- The Warden: Welcome aboard!
- [he holds out a nightstick]
- Warden: This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
- Homer: When does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Gina: I'm Gina. Touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring.
- (Bart and Gina are fighting)
- Bart: You're such a psycho!
- Gina: Mama's boy!
- Bart: Future skank!
- Gina: Family Guy!
- Warden: Study show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to foxtrot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.
- Inmate: Who conducted this study?
- Warden: The institute of Shut Your Fat Face! Now pair up!
- Warden: [to Bart and Gina] You two will dance and you will like it! Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it! Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward! So help me, God! [shakes fist]
- (The prison janitor tries to close a window to prevent Bart and Gina from escaping, but fails)
- Warden: Can't you go any faster?
- Janitor: Well... I can close it faster, or, I can close it right.
- Warden: Can't you do both?
- Janitor: Talk to the union!
- (At the Juvenile Correction Center)
- Warden: Welcome back, Gina. I've got a few new cell mates for you.
- Gina: That's cool. I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no-one watching. (she gasps at a family and smiles)
- Bart: I thought you might wanna have a nice family dinner.
- Marge: We're having Make-Your-Own Taco night.
- Homer: Gina thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas.
- Lisa: And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
- Gina: (annoyed) Who is this nerd?!
- Lisa: (scared) Taco please.
- Warden: Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich ... turn on "Will & Grace" ... and cry myself to sleep. (He braces himself against the cell door.)
- Marge: Hmm. Would you like to join us?
- Warden: Didn't you hear me?! I've got an evening planned! (He slams the door shut)
- Lisa: You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His action out was probably caused by negative reinforcement.
- (Lisa, Marge, and Maggie glare at Homer)
- Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! (leaves for a moment and looks back at them) Hmph! (leaves and looks back at them again) Hmph! (leaves)