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The Way We Was |
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- Homer: Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt your eyes.
- Bart: It will not.
- Homer: [makes a fist] Yes, it will.
- [the TV's image is shaky]
- Bart: Hey, what gives?
- Lisa: Dad! Do something!
- Homer: Alright, alright. Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery!
- [he hits the TV and the picture becomes fuzzy]
- Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
- Homer: Shut up, boy. [fiddles with the back of the TV] Cheap Chinese TV, why did I ever buy it? [lifts up VCR, while still fiddling with the TV] Is that better?
- Bart and Lisa: NO!
- Homer: Stupid... [the picture becomes staticky] How's this?
- Bart and Lisa: [both scream]
- Homer: Oh, no. Okay, just everybody remain calm. [he hits the TV again, causing the picture to disappear; the TV dies]
- Bart and Lisa: [both scream louder]
- Bart: Hey everybody, If you look real close, you can kinda make him out!
- Homer: Hey yeah… yeah! I think I can!
- Marge: I think this is sick… they're staring at a dot!
- Homer: She's right! She's right! [sobbing] Oh I miss TV, dear God! Just give me one channel.
- Bart: I'm living it, but I ain't loving it.
- Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
- Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
- Barney: [school bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop!
- Homer: But... we're early for lunch! Let's go grab a burger.
- Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound.
- Homer: It's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
- Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra; it burns up]
- Kim: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
- Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
- Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me?
- Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!
- Barney: Oh, shot down again.
- Homer: So, uh, what are you in for?
- Marge: I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand...
- Homer: Well, I'm here for being me. Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
- Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
- Homer: I haven't seen you in school before.
- Teacher: Okay, Simpson.
- Homer: What?
- Teacher: You just bought yourself another day of detention.
- Homer: Maybe we should get together sometime.
- Teacher: Two days!
- Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
- Homer: I'm Homer
- Teacher: Three days!
- Homer: J.
- Teacher: Four days!
- Homer: Simpson.
- Teacher: Five days!
- Homer: It was worth it!
- Teacher: Six days! Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!
- Homer: Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.
- Guidance Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
- Homer: Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night.
- Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
- Mrs. Blumenstein: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
- Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
- Mrs. Blumenstein: Yes.
- Homer: I'll take THAT, you DING POT! Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
- Mrs. Blumenstein: This year's topic is "Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered to 55 miles per hour."
- Homer: 55? That's ridiculous! Sure, it'll save a few lives, but millions will be late!
- Artie Ziff: Our current speed limit is an anachronism.
- Homer: (Is looking in a dictionary while constantly saying "Ignoramus")
- Artie Ziff: The fatuity-- (Is getting tired of Homer saying "Ignoramus") Will you shut up?
- Homer: Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me--
- Artie Ziff: Ignoramus?
- Homer: Ignoramus! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it?
- Artie Ziff: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
- Homer: Not to me there isn't, you ignoramus.
- Mrs. Blumenstein: Homer?
- Artie Ziff: You're the ignoramus.
- Homer: No you are.
- Mrs. Blumenstein: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
- Homer: With pleasure. (Everyone gasps as Homer moons the class.)
- Bart: ¡Ay, caramba! (Marge groans)
- (Principal Dondelinger catches Homer and Barney smoking in the restroom.)
- Principal Dondelinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield's answer to "Cheech and Chong." Allow me, gentlemen. (grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet.) You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.
- Homer and Barney: 3:00, old building, room 106.
- Bart: Great story. [bangs TV] Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV] Work, damn you.
- Homer: Bart! Pay attention, you may be telling this to your own son if something breaks.
- Marge: Maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.
- Bart: Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay?
- Mrs. Bouvier: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
- Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
- Mrs. Bouvier: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
- Selma: [when Homer arrives to pick up Marge] Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
- Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.
- Artie: Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you.
- [Marge finds Homer sitting on the stairs crying.]
- Marge: Homer?
- Homer: [sniffles] What?
- Marge: [sits down beside him] Why are you doing this? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?
- Homer: [Sniffles; his voice breaks as he talks] Because I'm... sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of other thoughts in there... some things says 'yes', some things says 'no'. But this time, there's only yes! How can the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
- Marge: [Looks down] Hm... I don't know... But it is. [walks away]
- Limo Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo?
- Homer: Inspiration Point.
- Limo Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
- Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands, not so much for myself, but I am so respected, It would damage the town to hear it. Good night?
- Marge: Yeah, right!
- Marge: When I got home I realized who I should have gone to the prom with.
- Homer: Who? (realizes) Oh.
- Marge: Hi, prom date.
- Homer: Marge, pour vous.
- Marge: Why so glum?
- Homer: I've got a problem. As soon as you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go! (Fades back to the present) And I never have... [Lisa smiles, Bart makes gagging noises]