|| The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
- Homer: They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some...unpleasantness. I can never go back.
- Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.
- (Homer, when he realizes that Thomas Edison was the one who invented the chair with hinged legs)
- Homer: Oh, damn it!
- (Bart, visiting Homer in the basement)
- Bart: Hey Dad, heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!
- Marge: Alright already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot. Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison.
- Homer: Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge. He was a shameless self-promoter.
- Homer: You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.
- Marge: Oh?
- Homer: You look at this table and what do you see? Just a table. Now a creative person like me looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things, but no tables.
- Marge: Homer, that's not a table. That's our dryer.
- Marge: Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.
- Homer: I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em.
- Marge: (groans)
- Homer: Okay, we own 'em.
- (Kent Brockman, delivering his nightly broadcast)
- Kent: Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.
- Homer: Marge, that's it! That's why I haven't done anything with my life! I need to be more like Thomas Edison!
- Marge: Whatever.
- Homer: And I'm starting right now! No more damn pajamas!
- (Homer gets out of bed, takes off his pajamas, and throws them out the window. Homer stands naked, calling out)
- Homer: From this day forward, I am an inventor!
- (A man walking his dog calls up to Homer)
- Man: Do us a favor. Invent yourself some underpants.
- (Homer sits at a card table in the basement, smoking a cigar, trying to think of inventions)
- Lisa: You started smoking, Dad?
- Homer: Yes, Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day.
- (Bart holds up Homer's empty notepad)
- Bart: Yeah, he invented stuff, too.
- Homer: Shut up.
- Marge: Homer, all these inventions, they're...
- Homer: Yes?
- Marge: Oh... They're not very...
- Homer: Yes? Yes? Yes?
- Marge" They're terrible.
- Marge: I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular inventions are awful and no one in their right mind would buy them, or accept them as gifts.
- Homer: How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting, only to realize you're not wearing makeup?
- Marge: That's every woman's nightmare!
- Homer: That's boring. You're boring everybody! Quit boring everyone!
- (Homer's make-up gun has covered Marge's face with messy, clown-like make-up)
- Marge: Homer, you've got it set on whore!
- (Homer reveals his toilet recliner chair)
- Bart: Gangway, gotta poop!
- Marge: No, Bart!
- Homer: We'll stop off at the da Vinci museum on the way home.
- Bart: Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.
- Homer: Oh. Well then, we'll take it out on Eli Whitney.
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